Monthly Archives: May 2012

The Tractor.

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While we were eating lunch today, how do I say this nicely…

Joe passed a little gas.

In hopes that Dot didn’t hear it (since her bad ear was nearest to the event) I pretended like I didn’t notice.

Apparently Joe needed some recognition in that moment, because he giggled and said, “Yoo-hoo!”

Dot looked up at him: “What do you need Joe?”

Joe grinned from ear to ear and said, “Did you hear that Dot?”

Dot craned her head to look outside the window: “Was that the tractor?”

Joe, still grinning from ear to ear shook his head “No”.

Dot said (and I wanted to die laughing): “It sounded like James (their son) just started up the tractor…”

I was trying so hard not to meet Joe’s eyes, but then I thought better of it and tried not to smile when I gave him a look that said: “Don’t do it…!”

Joe was practically bouncing on his chair with excitement when he said, “Nope. It wasn’t no tractor…”

I practically buried my head in my bowl of soup at this point to keep from laughing. It was too late to stop him.

Joe:  “Wanna know what it was Dorothy?” Joe was smiling so big when Dot looked at him that I’m pretty sure she figured it out before he announced proudly: “It was a FART!”

It took everything that I had in me to keep my taco soup from shooting out of my nose, but I managed to hold it in.

“Oh Joe…” Dot shook her head in disapproval and went right back to her lunch.  Joe started laughing so hard that his whole body was shaking, but once he realized that Dot was determined to have no reaction to what he just said, he quietly went back to eating his soup.

Of course, just when I thought I was safe, Joe made eye contact with me and winked.

I quickly excused myself from the table, and headed to the bathroom where I could shut the door and double over with laughter. Once I composed myself I walked back to the table.

Joe was sitting there with the proudest look on his smiling face. “See Dot? That girl thought it was funny…!”

Dot made a noise that was something between a grunt and a chuckle before she said, “Joe, just stop playing around and eat your soup!”

Mario Andretti vs The Buick.

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Joe, Dot and I were all loaded up in their old Buick and headed to the local meat market this afternoon so that Dot could “stock up”.

We got a few blocks away when the car started shaking.

I said, “Do you guys feel that?  It feels like we have a flat tire…”  So I pulled the car over to the side of the road to look at the tires.

They all appeared to be fine, but I suggested that we head back to the house to be on the safe side.  Dot agreed and said that there was a local mechanic that she could call to come check it out.

Joe just didn’t seem to understand what was going on at all and when we returned to the house he said, “Well that was just a big, fat waste of time!”

Dot and I just ignored him because it doesn’t do any good to explain things when he gets in his moods, but I smiled at him because smiles always seem to calm him down.  It worked because he met my smile with a grin from ear to ear.

The mechanic arrived 15 minutes later, and as he was driving the Buick slowly down the driveway one of the front tires completely blew out.  Joe, Dot and I were standing outside when it happened and it startled us.  We all jumped, and Dot sounded like it was the end of the world when she shouted, “Oh my Good Lord!!”

Joe thought it was hilarious and started giggling.

Dot sounded annoyed when she said: “What is SO funny?”

Joe shouted so that the mechanic could hear him as he was getting out of the Buick:  “YUP!  IT WAS THE TIRES ALRIGHT!”  T

he mechanic and I cracked up.  Dot rolled her eyes.

When the mechanic walked over to us to explain what he would do next, Joe motioned for the guy to come and speak to him privately and the mechanic humored him.

Joe turned his back away from Dot and I, but he was speaking loudly enough for us to hear when he said:  “I’ll tell you what happened.  That girl over there (he pointed directly at me with his thumb and even nodded his head in my direction)…well she’s the CRAZIEST driver you ever SAW!”

The mechanic looked over at me and I winked at him (I’m a terrible winker so it most likely resembled a facial twitch that made me look crazy).  “SHE was driving AT LEAST a hundred miles an hour.  You’d think she was Mario Andretti or something!  And that…THAT is when the tire blew up.”  He widened his eyes for dramatic effect when he said, “We’re lucky to be alive.”

Dot just shook her head and said, “Oh Joe…”

 

Skip to the Cookie.

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Dot: “Joe, eat your sandwich!”

Joe: (stares at sandwich in silence.)

Dot: “It’s grilled cheese – your favorite!”

Joe in quiet defiance:  “I don’t want to…”

Dot: “If you eat your sandwich I’ll let Whitney give you a cookie for dessert.”

Joe grinned:  “How ’bout we just skip to the cookie right now?”

Dot: “Just eat your sandwich!”

This goes on for 10 more minutes, until I say, “Dot, he did eat most of his soup…”

Dot looked into his soup bowl:  “Oh alright then. Take his sandwich away and give him half a cookie.”

Joe downed his cookie while grinning at Dot the whole time.

Dot: “Too bad you only got half of a cookie…”

Joe winked at me:  “Half of a cookie is better than no cookie at all!”

Cinderella.

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I gave Joe his pill first thing this morning and explained to him that he would have to wait thirty minutes before he eats anything.

Joe: “Well that’s a funny thing…”

Me: “Yeah well, it strengthens your bones so it’s important. At least you only have to take it once a week.”

Joe: “What happens if I don’t wait thirty minutes? Will I turn into a pumpkin?”

Monster Cookies.

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I made a batch of Monster cookies today and I gave one to Joe and Dot while they were still warm; fresh out of the oven.

Dot took her first bite, and while her mouth was still full she said:  “People would die for this!”

With melted chocolate all over his face, Joe said: “What’s that you say Dot? Someone died?”

Dot finished chewing and said: “No, I said that someone could die from eating these cookies because they’re SO GOOD!”

While looking suspiciously at his cookie, Joe said, “Are they poisoned?!”

Dot rolled her eyes and said, “Never mind. Just let me enjoy my cookie.”

Joe looked at his cookie, then looked at me, then back to his cookie and said: “Oh to hell with it. That’s not such a bad way to go…”

Then he took a huge bite and gave me the sweetest chocolatey grin.