You know that movie where Billy Bob Thornton plays that guy who growls, “MmmmHmmm” all the time? Sling Blade I think it’s called. Well, I swear to you that Lois sounds just like him when she gets really into a conversation. It cracks me up so bad when she does it.
For instance, after dinner the other night we began to talk about the different kinds of foods that people eat around the world. Lois loves to ask me questions about all of the places that I’ve traveled, so I told her a few stories about the cuisine in Thailand and Nepal, and to make the conversation even more interesting, I asked her if she’s ever heard of Andrew Zimmern. Of course she’d never heard of him, so I began to tell her about how he has this show where all he does is travel all over the world and eat the craziest foods that he can find.
Me: “I saw this one episode where he went into this candy store, but it wasn’t regular candy, it was like candied bugs and stuff. Like, chocolate covered grasshoppers and cinnamon cockroaches…”
Me: “And I saw this other episode where he was eating rotten tofu…”
Then out of the blue she asked: “Does he ever eat crabs?”
Me: “Well, yeah he eats crab. But crab isn’t exactly a strange food…”
Lois suddenly got very serious: “Didn’t your mom ever tell you about CRAB?!”
I was a bit started at her change in volume: “No, I can’t say that she ever did…”
Lois: “Well just think about it! If somebody dies and ends up in the water somehow, their bodies just float to the bottom of the sea and then those crabs crawl all over them and EAT THEIR GUTS OUT!”
That was not at all what I was expecting to hear, so I just looked at her; totally shocked.
Lois nodded her head: “MmmmHmm.”
Me: “Wow…well, I guess I’d never actually thought of that…”
Lois: “So when you eat crab, you’re actually eating PEOPLE!”
Me: “So if people eat crab then they’re almost like….”
Lois: “Cannibals. MmmHmm.”
Me: “Wow. I have to say, I may never eat crabs again!”
Lois crossed her arms: “MmmHmm.”
Later in the day, Lois got to talking about all of the blackberry bushes in her backyard. She told me that she used to make cobblers and pies, but now that she’s gotten older she doesn’t bother with them anymore.
Lois: “Well see, I’d be afraid that I might go back there to pick berries and then…well what if I fell down?!”
Me: “Yeah, that wouldn’t be good if you fell down back there.”
Lois: “No one would even hear me all the way back there! And I’d get all tangled up in the blackberry bushes…”
Me: “And you know the worst part?”
Lois was intrigued.
Me: “Well see, you could fall down back there, and then you would get all tangled up in the blackberries, and then a bunch of crabs could come along…”
Lois just about died laughing.
Me: “…and then they would…EAT YOUR GUTS OUT!”
Lois just about fell out of her chair at that point. After we’d laughed about it for a few minutes she got all serious again.
Lois: “And that is why it is too dangerous for me to pick those blackberries out there in my backyard.”
Me: “I see.”