Monthly Archives: October 2012

The Shrinking Jacket.

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I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight; enough that people are beginning to notice and make comments which is always nice.  When I got to work this morning, Dot and Joe were sitting at the kitchen table finishing their breakfast.

Dot said, “Whoa somebody is looking smaller!”

I was thrilled with the compliment of course, so I told her that I was so excited because the jacket that I wearing (of course I modeled it for them) was way too small for me this time last year, and when I tried it on last week I was amazed because I could actually zip it up.  (I had never been able to zip it before; I always had to wear it open.)

Dot:  “Well that’s just great!  We are so proud of you, aren’t we Joe?”

Joe looked up from his coffee at me for a moment:  “Who are we proud of…?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of Whitney!”

Joe:  “Who’s Whitney?”

Dot pointed at me.  I smiled and waved.

Joe grinned back:  “What are we proud of HER for?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of her for being able to fit into her jacket!”

Joe looked at me:  “What happened?  Did your jacket shrink?”

I laughed and said:  “Nope, I’m the one who shrunk.”

Joe:  “Oh, well I was just wondering because there’s something funny going on around here with the dryer.  My shirts all seem to be shrinking!”  Joe pointed at his long sleeved t-shirt that was fitting very snug over his middle, “SEE?!”

Dot was about to say something to him (about how much ice cream he’s been eating I’m sure) and I interrupted her to say, “Well, I’ll be sure not to put my jacket in the dryer here then!”

Joe:  “Yeah, that’s probably smart.  You wouldn’t want it to go and shrink on you.”  He went on to mutter under his breath, “goddamned dryer” before he went back to reading his newspaper and drinking his coffee.

 

 

Lois's Cake Theory.

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When I came back to the house after church this morning, Lois was waiting for me at the door.

Lois:  “Did they serve refreshments at your church today?”

Me:  “Yep, they always offer coffee and treats after the service.”

Lois gave me a sly grin:  “Did they serve Devil’s Food or Angel’s Food cake?”

I grinned back at her because I could tell that she’d been waiting all morning to lay this joke on me:  “Nope, I don’t think so…”

Lois:  “Oh that’s too bad, cuz you can tell a lot about a person by which of those cakes is their favorite!”

Me:  “Is that so?  Which one is your favorite then?”

Lois:  “Well don’t be silly, Devil’s Food of course!”

I laughed:  “And what does that say about you?”

Lois thought about it really seriously for a minute:  “It says that I love chocolate.”

Me:  “Is that all?”

Lois looked confused, like she was forgetting something:  “Yep, I think that about sums it up…”

I tried to help her remember her joke by giving her a hint:  “Nothing about devils or angels or heaven or hell?”

Lois looked at me like I was crazy:  “Well don’t be silly!  It’s only cake!”

Emmy Speech.

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I totally impressed Lois with my athletic ability this afternoon.  She was trying to pick up her slice of pizza with her fork, and somehow managed to instead use her fork as a launching device.

I heard her say, “Oh no!” and before my brain could even comprehend what was happening, both of my hands shot up in the air to catch the flying pizza.  The look on Lois’s face was priceless.  We looked at each other, looked at the rescued pizza, and then cracked up laughing.

Lois:  “That was really amazing!”

Me:  “I know!  We couldn’t have planned that out better if we tried!”

Lois looked at me with great admiration:  “I mean, WOW!  You were so fast!”

I felt like I was making an acceptance speech for an Emmy at that point:  “Well, I’ve been told that I have pretty good hand/eye coordination.  Plus, pizza is my favorite food so, I’m not sure if my act of heroism had to do more with reflexes or my love of pepperoni…”

Lois:  “Well, I think that you should at least try out for a sports team because that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!”

Me:  “Well thank you, Lois, I’ll keep that in mind…”

With that, we both went back to happily eating our lunch.

Skinny Jeans.

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Dot often wears extremely bright, verging on neon colored, denim jeans that she mixes and matches her flowery shirts with.  She takes extra special care to hand wash these pants and hang them up to dry in the doorway of her bedroom.

A couple of weeks ago, I could hear Joe rummaging around downstairs in the middle of the night.  I looked at the clock and it said 1:15am and I had an “uh-oh” kind of premonition.  I got out of bed and turned the lights on so that I wouldn’t take a tumble.  When I was about halfway down the stairs, I saw this bright flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye.  I called out, “Joe?  Is that you…?”

Joe:  “I can’t get these damned pants to button!”

I rushed down the stairs quickly so that I could see what in the world he was talking about.  If only I could’ve taken a picture at that moment, so that you could see what was standing in front of me.

There was Joe, standing there in his white undershirt, work boots, and hat…and if that wasn’t strange enough, he had also somehow managed to cram his lower body into a pair of Dot’s bright yellow jeans!

They were skin tight and he looked like he was going to suffocate when he sucked in his belly to try to button them.  As I stood there mesmerized by the scene, he actually hopped not once, but twice, in order to get them buttoned and zipped successfully.  When he finally let himself breathe again, his belly puffed out to full capacity and pooched out like a basketball over his toothpick legs that were stuffed into neon yellow skinny jeans.  I couldn’t even help myself from laughing.

Me:  “Joe!  What in the world are you doing wearing a pair of Dot’s pants?”

Joe looked down at his neon yellow ensemble and then looked back up at me with a big grin:  “Are these Dot’s pants?”

Me:  “Yes, they’re definitely Dot’s pants!”

Joe:  “Well no wonder they’re so goddamned tight!”

Me:  “Yeah, no wonder!”

Joe cracked himself up and we laughed together for a bit.  Dot woke up momentarily and asked us what was so funny.

Me:  “Just take a look at Joe’s outfit, Dot.”

Dot peeked her eyes open just enough to look at Joe for a second and said, “Hey, those are MY pants!”

Joe giggled:  “Yeah, and you know what?  You can’t tell me that I can’t have ice cream anymore, Dot…”

Dot:  “Why is that?”

Joe put his hands on his waist, which only served to emphasize he protruding belly as he proudly announced, “If I can fit my ass into YOUR pants, then YOU’RE the one who shouldn’t be eating so much ice cream!”

Dot just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Joe:  “Well I told her, didn’t I…?”

I smiled at him:  “Yep, you sure did, now how about I help you get out of those uncomfortable jeans so that you can get some sleep huh?”

Joe looked at me and chuckled:  “Well you can go back to bed if you want, but I’m on my way to work!”

Realizing that this was quickly turning into a long night, I tried to reason with him:  “But Joe, you can’t go to work in Dot’s pants…”

Joe looked down at his legs again:  “Well why the hell not?  I’ll be a lot safer in these britches because they’re bright enough to stop traffic!”

He had a good point there…

Squirrels.

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Lois and I were watching the news the other night (well, I was watching and Lois was only listening because she’s blind) and the subject of gay marriage came up.

During the commercial Lois said, “Humans are funny, funny critters…”

Me:  “What do you mean, Lois?”

Lois:  “Well, I mean, for instance – animals could give a rat’s ass if girls married girls and boys married boys, so long as everyone shares their food!”

Me:  “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right about that.”

To prove her point even further, Lois added, “Take squirrels for example.  They wouldn’t care if their squirrel neighbors were attracted to the other same-sex squirrels.  So long as everyone shares their nuts!”

I couldn’t help but laugh:  “You might want to come up with a better example than squirrels…”

Lois:  “Why?  Squirrels are the perfect example!”

Me:  “Well…I mean, maybe you should think of an animal that eats something besides nuts…”

Lois thought about it for a minute and then just howled with laughter.

Lois:  “Well, all I was trying to say is that humans are funny critters…whether they share their nuts or not!”

Spaceship.

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Joe needs a lot of proof today that he is, in fact, in his own home. So I showed him the large, framed wedding photo of he and Dot.

Joe: “Well you could’ve just made a copy of that and hung it in here pretty easy…”

I helped him to get dressed then and took him outside to show him the address on his mailbox.

Joe: “Well, that’s my address all right, but this sure as hell isn’t my house!”

I pointed out that his family name was actually hanging from a hook above the front door.

Joe: “What the hell are those folks doing putting MY name on the WRONG house?!”

I was starting to run out of ideas, so I just redirected him back into the kitchen where Dot, and his breakfast, were waiting for him.

Joe walked through the door and he was very surprised to see Dot sitting there.

Joe: “Hi Dot! Where’d you come from?!”

Dot: “Good morning, Joe.”

I finally convinced Joe to sit down and start eating his breakfast.

Joe said, with a mouthful of Cheerios, “What I just can’t figure out is, if this is my house, the house that I built with my own two hands…why can’t I recognize it?!”

Dot: “Oh Joe, just eat your breakfast!”

Joe was getting frustrated: “Can someone at least tell me how the HELL I got here?!”

I laughed and said, “Well I’m not sure what to tell you, Joe. Maybe you dreamed that a spaceship dropped you off here!”

Joe just about fell out of his chair laughing: “Oh no, it was nothing that extravagant! Bart must’ve dropped me off in his Chevy.”

I poured him a hot cup of coffee and that’s when he noticed his favorite mug.

Joe chuckled: “Well, this MUST be my house because my NAME is on my coffee cup!”

Why didn’t I think of that?!

Heart Melter.

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When I woke Joe up this morning he was feeling very confused.

Me: “Good morning, Joe. It’s time for breakfast!”

Joe just about shot out of bed: “Oh, thank God you’re here! I’m lost!”

I gave him a big smile: “You’re not lost Joe. You’re at home, safe and cozy in your warm bed.”

Joe looked up at me with the sweetest grin: “You know what? I don’t even know your name, and I don’t have a clue where I am right now, but there’s something about your smile that makes me feel right at home.”

Chocolate.

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When I finished cleaning up after lunch, I noticed that Joe was a bit teary-eyed.  I sat next to him on the couch and rubbed his back a little bit while I asked him what was on his mind.

Joe:  “Well, I just realized that I haven’t seen my Mom and Dad in a really long time and I think that they might be dead…”

Dot walked into the room then and Joe asked her, “Hey Dot, are my parents dead?”

Dot:  “Yeah, they died a long time ago.”

Joe:  “Is that right?!  How’d that happen?”

Dot:  “They got old.”

Joe:  “Oh.  Well that sounds about right.”

Dot went into the kitchen then and Joe started crying big, alligator tears.

I started to rub his back again and I said, “I’m sorry that you’re so sad today, Joe.”

Joe:  “I’m not really sad so much as…I just feel lost.  Totally lost.”

Me:  “It’s going to be okay Joe, you’re safe and sound in your own home and you’ve got Dot around to keep you company.  You have nothing to worry about.  Nothing at all.”

Joe started to relax a little bit then and I gave him a Kleenex to wipe his eyes and nose.

Me:  “Is there anything that I can do to make you feel a bit better?”

Joe shrugged.

Me:  “I think I know something that might do the trick…”

Joe:  “You do?”

Me:  “Yep, just wait here a second.”

I went into the kitchen to see if there were any cookies in the cookie jar, but it was empty.  However, I noticed that there was a bag of fun size Snickers bars so I quickly grabbed one before Dot turned around.  Dot was busy writing out a birthday card at the kitchen table.

Joe was still pretty teary when I returned, so I hid the Snickers bar behind my back.

Joe wiped his nose again:  “What do you got there?”

Me:  “What?  Where?”

Joe:  “Behind your back.  What’s that behind your back?!”

His eyes got big when I showed him the candy bar.

Joe:  “Who is that for?!”

I smiled:  “It’s for you of course!  I thought that it might make you feel better.”

Joe:  “Well, I don’t know if it’s gonna help…but I’ll try it.”

I took off the wrapper for him and he took a big bite.

Me:  “How are you doing now…any better?”

Joe was still chewing on his chocolate bar when he said, “Yeah!  I DO feel better!”

I patted him on the back:  “Oh good, Joe, I’m so glad that you’re feeling better.”

Joe:  “What did you put in this?”

Me:  “In the candy bar?”

Joe:  “Yeah, why did it make me feel better?”

Me:  “Because it’s made of chocolate…and full of love.”

Joe grinned:  “I thought so!”

Cereal!

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I took Dot to her hearing aid appointment today because they are still trying to adjust it to the right volume for her.  First it was too loud, now it’s too quiet.  Of course Joe came along as well, and he was just full of piss and vinegar today.

Joe:  “Where are we going, Dot?”

Dot:  “To the doctor.”

Joe:  “Why?  What’s wrong with you?”

Dot:  “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I just need the lady to fix my hearing aid.”

Joe:  “You’ve got a hearing aid?  When did that happen?”

Dot:  “A few weeks ago.  You’ve been to the last two appointments with me.”

Joe:  “I have?  But there’s nothing wrong with my hearing, Dot.”

Dot:  “You came with ME to MY appointment.”

Joe mumbled:  “Well you don’t have to shout at me Dot.  I’m not deaf like you.”

Dot:  “Huh?”

Joe laughed and winked at me:  “Exactly.”

Once we got to the doctor’s office, the hearing aid doctor had Joe sit in the room near Dot, and I chose to stand near the doorway so that no one could escape.  The doctor got everything set up on the computer and hooked Dot’s hearing aid up to it so that she could see the volume levels on the screen.

Joe started to say something and Dot said, “You SHUSH now!  She’s working!”

Joe closed his mouth real quick and chuckled at me.

When the doctor asked Dot what the problems were with her hearing aid, Dot said that she has a really hard time hearing Joe because he talks so quietly.  The doctor said, “Well good, since we have your husband in the room with us, we have ourselves a live guinea pig…”

Joe:  “Guinea pig?  Well I don’t know about that…”

The doctor smiled:  “It’s just an expression.”

Joe grinned:  “Oh.  Well that’s alright then.”

The doctor fiddled with some stuff on the computer and then softly said, “Sally sells seashells by the seashore.”

Doctor:  “Did you hear that, Dot?”

Joe:  “Yeah, I heard it…”

Dot:  “Shush now, she’s not talking to you!  Yeah I kinda heard it, but it wasn’t very clear…”

The doctor fiddled with the computer a bit more and then asked me to say something to Dot.

Me:  “Nice weather we’re having today, huh Dot?”

Dot:  “Yep.  I heard that.”

Joe said loudly, while he relaxed in his chair and crossed his legs:  “Well the sun’s shinin’ so I can’t complain!”

Dot rolled her eyes and the doctor and I smiled at each other.

Doctor:  Okay, Joe.  Now I want you to say something to Dot.”

Joe:  “Ok (giggles) well…what should I say?”

Dot:  “I kinda heard that…”

Joe looked kind of nervous to be put on the spot so the doctor asked him a couple of questions:

Doctor:  “What did you have for breakfast today, Joe?”

Joe giggled:  “I can’t remember…”

Doctor:  “Okay, um…Do you have any pets?”

Joe:  “Well let’s see.  I’m not entirely sure, but I think I might have a dog…”

Doctor:  “Dot, could you hear any of that?”

Dot:  “Well, I could read his lips pretty well, but I didn’t hear much.”

Doctor:  “Can I get you to talk again, Joe?”

Joe giggled nervously.  I looked at the doctor and said, “Can I help a bit?”  She looked relieved and nodded her head.

Me:  “Hey Joe, what was that thing that you learned in school?  That phrase that you had to type over and over again in typewriting class…?

Joe beamed with pride when he recited:  “Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country!”

Dot:  “I heard that!”

Doctor:  “Good!  Great job, Joe!”

Joe chuckled:  “Well at least I was good for somethin’!  Aren’t you glad you brought me along now, Dot?”

Dot rolled her eyes and reminded him:  “Shush now!”

Joe was defiant:  “Well I was only doing what the doctor asked me to!”

Dot:  “Yeah, but now your part is done.”

Joe:  “Well she wasn’t clear about that part…”

The doctor quickly changed the subject.

Doctor:  “Okay, Dot, now I’m going to adjust the levels for what you hear, when you hear yourself speak.  So I need you to talk for me…”

Dot giggled nervously.

Doctor:  “Who is the President of the United States?”

Dot beamed:  “The President of the United States is Barack Obama.”  Dot looked at the doctor and told her, “That kind of sounds kind of like I’m in a wind tunnel…”

The doctor fiddled around again:  “Okay, now tell me what year we’re living in…?”

Dot:  “We are living in the year 2012.”  Dot smiled that time and added, “There, that’s better I think…”

Joe:  “Hey that’s just not fair!”

Doctor:  “What’s not fair, Joe?”

Joe:  “You asked Dot all of the easy questions, and you asked me the hard ones.  That’s just plain not fair at all…”

Doctor:  “Okay, Joe.  Who is the President of the United States?”

Joe almost jumped out of seat with excitement when he answered:  “CEREAL!!”

Miracle Bra.

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Joe and Dot just watched an entire half hour infomercial about the “Miracle Bra”.

I kept trying to explain to Dot that it was a whole show, but she was like, “No, it’s just a commercial…”

The explanation of an infomercial would have been lost at that moment, so I didn’t even try.

One thing’s for sure:  Joe wasn’t complaining!

Of course the whole point of the infomercial was to make every other bra look like the worst bra ever, so when they would bring out a new girl acting all uncomfortable in her bra with lop-sided boobs, Joe’s eyes would get big and he’d say things like:

“Uh-oh, there must be something wrong with that bra too!”

“Oh and there’s another one…”

“Boy, there sure are a lot of awful bras out there!”

Dorothy:  “Gosh, this is the longest commercial I’ve ever seen!”