The Mack Truck.

Lois the FinThis afternoon, Lois woke herself up from her nap with the most gigantic fart I’ve ever heard.This is what happened next:Lois: “Who is making all of the racket in there!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Lois, you can go back to sleep.”

Lois: “How the HELL do you expect me to go back to sleep when you’re making so much racket that it sounds like someone’s driving a Mack Truck through my living room?!”

Me: “Lois, do you want to know the truth about what woke you up?”

Lois: “Of course I want to know the truth and I demand an apology as well!”

Me: “Okay then, but you’re not going to like it…”

Lois: “Just tell me for heaven’s sake!”

Me: “You passed gas while you were sleeping and woke yourself up.”

Lois: “You mean…I’m the one who was making all the racket?!”

Me: “Yes it was you.”

Lois thought about it for a second and laughed: “Boy, that was a doozy!”

Me: “It was pretty impressive all right.”

Lois: “I guess I’m the one who owes you an apology!”

Me: “Oh it’s okay Lois, I’ve heard worse. I have brothers.”

Wolves.

Lois the FinLois wandered around the house for two hours tonight searching for her crazy cat that completely ignores her. Of course she was wearing nothing but her little pink t-shirt, a pair of saggy Depends and her favorite fuzzy boot slippers.I tried to suggest that she at least wear her bathrobe and her response was: “Do you want me to die of heat stroke or something?!” It was in the 80’s outside today so I could see her point.

I tried to reason with her about flashing the neighbors and her response was: “I ain’t showin’ em nothin they haven’t seen before!”

That is also true.

Two hours later…

Lois: “I can’t find Baby!”

Me: “I know Lois, I’m sorry. I’m sure she’ll turn up soon.”

Lois: “Well the wolves probably got her.”

Me: “I’m sure she’s fine.”

Lois: “Oh no, those wolves gobbled her up! Either that or the coyotes…”

Me: “I’m sure she’s out there somewhere. I saw her at lunchtime.”

Lois: “Did she eat?”

Me: “Yes, she ate some of her soft food.”

Lois: “Oh good! I’m glad Baby got one last, tasty meal before the wild animals ate her for a snack.”

Baby came in an hour later for dinner. She waited until Lois stopped calling for her and then she creeped in and ate her food.

I guess the wolves will have to prey on some other old lady’s cat tonight…

Blankets.

JoeNow that Joe has become incredibly over-confident in his walking abilities, the caregiver’s bed has been moved into his bedroom in hopes of preventing more falls.

When I was tucking Joe into bed tonight, I made the following error:

Me: “Are you warm enough? Do you think you need another blanket?”

Joe: “I think I’m okay for right now.”

Me: “Okay, but if you get too cold just let me know.”

Joe: “Where will I find you?”

Me: “I’ll be sleeping in the bed next to you…”

Clearly I did not think that through. Yes, my bed is next to Joe’s bed, but they are on opposite walls with a good amount of space in between them.

Joe grinned from ear to ear, scooted as far over in his bed as he could, and then patted the mattress space beside him.

Joe: “If you’re sleeping next to me, then there won’t be any need for more blankets. I’ll keep you plenty warm…”

The Rewards of Good Behavior.

JoeJoe and I were watching TV tonight when Dot went into her bedroom to start getting ready for bed.

Joe:  “Where’s Dot?”

Me:  “She’s getting ready for bed.”

Joe:  “Maybe I should go join her…”

Me:  “You think so huh?”

Joe:  “I don’t think she’d be opposed to me breaking into the bedroom.”

Me:  “Well, I don’t know about that.”

Joe laughed:  “Well I know about that, and I don’t think that she’ll have any reason to send me away.”

Me:  “You feel like you paid your dues today huh?”

Joe:  “Yep.  I was mostly good, and I was only ornery a couple of times, so that all evens out in my favor.”

Me:  “You’ve got a good point there.”

Joe:  “Although there’s a risk that she might see me breaking into her room as me being ornery…”

Me:  “That’s true, and that would tip the scales back a bit.”

Joe:  “Let me tell you something:  There’s a fine-line between me and that bed, and I have to tread it very carefully.”

Me:  “I’m sure you’re right about that, Joe.”

Mystery Perfume.

joe_dotI walked into the living room after getting the laundry going and I noticed the smell of perfume.  Joe and Dot were sitting together on the couch.

Me:  “Wow, it smells good in here!  Are you wearing perfume today Dot?”

Dot:  “No I’m not wearing perfume…Oh I know what it is!  I had a big BM in the bathroom so I sprayed some of my cheap perfume in there to cover up the smell.”

Joe and I looked at each other and started to laugh.

Joe:  “Your shit smells like a rose, Dot!”

Dot laughed:  “I always told you that girls aren’t stinky like boys.”

Joe:  “Well I’ll be darned!  I guess you were right after all!”

Meryl Streep.

UnknownI watched, “The Devil Wears Prada” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, once I was able to convince Dot that it was not actually about the Devil.The magic word was “Meryl Streep“.

Dot:  “Oh I’ll watch anything with Meryl Streep in it!  She’s wonderful!  I’m just surprised that she’d be in a movie about the devil, but if anyone can make a devil movie good,  it’s her!”

Me:  “It’s not about the devil at all, I promise.  It’s a comedy!”

Dot looked skeptical but she went with it.

When the movie ended I asked Dot what she thought about it (Joe slept through the entire thing).

Dot:  “All I know is that I’d never want to live in a big city because people just get run over by cars all the time!”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess that’s true…”  (I think there is one scene in the entire movie where someone gets hit by a car.)

Dot:  “And I’m sort of disappointed that Meryl Streep had such a small role.”

Me:  “Well actually, she was one of the main characters.”

Dot:  “She was?  Which one was she?”

Me:  “She was the mean boss with the silver hair.”

Dot:  “Ohhhhhh!  I was just so busy looking for the devil that I guess I must’ve missed her.  And what does Prada mean…?”

Me:  “Prada is a very expensive brand of clothing.  So….how can i explain this…?  The title of the movie refers to the lead actress’s temptation to trade her soul for wealth and fashion and it also is implying that Meryl Streep’s character is an evil temptress.  Does any of that make sense?”

Dot:  “So…Meryl Streep was the DEVIL?!”

Me:  “Um…sort of?”

Dot shrugged her shoulders and sighed:  “Boy I totally didn’t see that coming!”

Chinese Food.

JoeI decided to make some fried rice and orange chicken for dinner tonight.  I wasn’t sure how it would go over with Joe, but I knew that Dot would love it.

Dot:  “Oh boy!  What a treat!  Is this Chinese food??”

Me:  “Yep, it is.  I thought it’d be nice to have something different.”

Joe:  “Chinese?  What’s Chinese?”

Dot:  “Your dinner.  It’s Chinese food.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “It came all the way from China?”

Dot:  “Do you think that Whitney went all the way to China to get our dinner?”

Joe laughed:  “Well if she did she was sure quick!”

Me:  “It’s just the name for this style of food.”

Joe:  “Oh okay.”

Dot:  “Do you like it Joe?  It’s good, isn’t it?!”

Joe:  “I don’t know.  I haven’t even tried it yet.”

Dot:  “So try it!”

Joe:  “I’m getting’ to it.  I never ate this kind of fancy food before…”

Dot:  “Oh you have too!  We’ve gone out to Chinese restaurants before.”

Joe:  “I ain’t never been to China.  I know that for a fact!”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Me:  “Hey Joe, it’s really not all that fancy.  It’s just rice and chicken.”

Joe:  “Oh, is that what it is?!  Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Me:  “Well I guess I should’ve just said that in the first place, huh?”

Joe:  “One thing that I’ve learned in my life is that there’s no point in puttin’ fancy names on things.  I mean, for instance, shit is shit.  There’s really no way to fancy it up.”

Me:  “You are exactly right, Joe.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Apparently Dot didn’t hear a word we said when she asked, “How do you like your Chinese food, Joe?”

Joe:  “What’s Chinese about my food…?”

Prisoner of War.

Lois the FinLois always has to check the basement before bed to make sure that everything’s locked up, etc. This process can take anywhere from one to three hours. Thankfully she is usually happy to wander around by herself with her flashlight, but some nights (like tonight) she requires our assistance with checking and rechecking and rechecking (repeat 500 times) the locks. These are the nights that you wonder what you could have possibly done in a former life to deserve this special kind of hell.

And as if things weren’t terrible enough, Lois insisted that I follow behind her as we went up the stairs, because she had the flashlight and she was worried that I might fall. So she took the steps, verrrry slowly, one at a time, and each step was aided by the abrupt force of her bullet-like farts. By the third step, I couldn’t take it anymore.

Me: “Lois, you go on ahead without me. I’ll be up in a minute.”

Lois: “Oh no, it will be much safer if you follow behind me. I’d feel terrible if you had a fall!”

Me: “I just figured that it might be a good idea to check the locks a few hundred more times.”

Lois: “Oh, good idea. Here, I’ll let you take the flashlight so that you can see what you’re doing.”

Mind you, there are about 6 lights that are left on in the basement for her crazy cat all night long, but Lois is blind as a bat.

Me: “Thank you, Lois. The flashlight really does help.”

Lois made her way up the stairs slowly but surely, with the aid of her rapid-fire farts. The sound echoed through the basement and for a moment I felt like a prisoner of war.

And she never even said “excuse me”. Not even once.

Frisky, the Sleepy Cat.

Lois the FinMy client, Lois, is very confused tonight. First she was calling me Caroline and then I was Caroline’s friend, and for about an hour she thought I was her sister, Thelma (who has been dead for more than a decade).

I tried to remind her who I really am, but it just wasn’t working so rather than confusing her more than she already was, I just went along with it.

Her questions had more to do with my (Caroline’s/Thelma’s) pet/pets than anything else.

Lois: “How is your cat doing, Caroline? You know, the one that sleeps all the time?”

Me: “Oh he’s doing great!”

Lois: “What was his name again?”

Me: “Um…(reading cat food bag)…Frisky.”

Lois laughed: “Frisky is a funny name for a cat who sleeps all the time.”

Me: “Yeah haha I guess you’re right.”

Lois: “How old is he now?”

Me: “Um…he’s around 10 or so?”

Lois laughed: “Oh no! He’s gotta be much older than that! I’m surprised that he’s even still alive! Are you sure he’s not dead?”

Me: “Well now that you mention it, he is sleeping even more than usual…I guess I’d better check to make sure he’s breathing when I get home.”

Lois: “Yeah you’d better check because pretty soon he’ll really start stinking up the place!”

Grey Hair.

joe_dotAs we were all sitting together eating lunch the other day, I told Joe and Dot that I recently discovered my first grey hair.

Me:  “I was getting a haircut and when I looked down on my cape I noticed a patch of grey hair, so of course I had to stop at Fred Meyer on my way home so that I could buy a new hair color right away!”

Joe and Dot laughed.

Dot said, “When I first started turning grey I would pluck the grey hairs out with tweezers.”

Joe:  “Well you’d better not tweeze out your grey hairs now!  You’d have to pluck off your whole head!”

Dot:  “So would you!”

Joe:  “Men don’t have to cover their grey.  It just makes them look more distinguished.”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Me:  “Some men do color their hair nowadays.  There is even an entire section of hair color just for men at the store.”

Joe:  “Is that right?”

Me:  “Yep.”

Dot:  “I saw an old geezer downtown one time who had jet black hair and it just didn’t look right at all.  Especially since his eyebrows were grey.  I thought that was very suspicious.”

Joe:  “Well what was he supposed to do?  Pluck out his eyebrows?!”