Whitney’s Here…

Lois the FinI love it when I show up for work and the other caregiver says, “I’m going home now, Lois. Whitney’s here!”

Lois: “Who’s here?”

Me: “I’m here, Lois. It’s me, Whitney…”

Lois: “Oh Whitney! You’re the one that I like! You can tell that other lady to hit the road now.”

Other Caregiver: “Well I guess that’s my cue to leave…”

Hospice.

Went outside for a walk with my new client this morning (60 years old, dying of lung cancer) and the neighbor next door waved and hollered, “Hey Donna! How are you doing today?”

Donna:  “Well…not so good Bob…I’m on hospice now.”

Bob:   “Oh good for you!   You must be feeling better then huh…?”

FYI:  Hospice means that the doctor has given you 3 months or less to live…

Farm Chores.

JoeAt about 2am, Joe hollered out:  “Hey!  What are you doing over there?!”

I was sound asleep in the bed on the other side of the bedroom, and he about scared me half to death:  “I’m just sleeping, Joe.”

Joe:  “Well what are you doing sleeping when the cows need to be milked?”

Me:  “I thought it was your turn to milk the cows.”

Joe:  “The HELL it is!  It’s YOUR turn!  I have to feed the hogs.”

Me:  “Will you trade me?  How about I’ll feed the hogs if you’ll milk the cows, since I’ve never milked a cow before…?”

Joe:  “You’ve NEVER milked a cow?  Well alright…I guess I can trade with you.  But just this once!”

Me:  “Thanks Joe, you’re a lifesaver!”

I waited for a couple of minutes and then I said:  “Okay, I’m all done feeding the hogs so I guess I’ll go back to sleep now okay?”

Joe:  “You’re already done?  Boy, you really half-assed it, didn’t ya?”

Me:  “I suppose I did.”

Joe:  “Well, tomorrow’s a new day.”

Me:  “It sure is.  Goodnight Joe.”

Joe:  “Yeah, goodnight.”

Ketchup.

JoeI take great pride in making a super healthy dinner that’s delicious enough that even Joe will eat it. Turkey burgers with sautéed onions, mushrooms, red & orange peppers mixed in, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and brown rice. Once it was all covered in Heinz Ketchup, Joe woofed it down like a champ!

Night Lights.

Lois the FinLois has little night lights plugged in all over her house so that she can see to get to the bathroom during the night.  Tonight she asked me to change the bulb in one of them because it had burned out.

At the same time that I was kneeling down to change the bulb, Lois turned to shuffle her way to the bathroom, and without any warning whatsoever, she began to expel what would end up being a minute and a half rocket-launcher of a fart.  She actually appeared to be hydro-planing down the hall in her fuzzy pink bathrobe.

Note to self:  Always make sure that Lois is at least 20 feet away from your person before you even think about crouching down to change a night light bulb

Joe’s Favorite Word.

JoeHow to tell when Joe is in a bad mood:

Dot: “Did you like that?”

Joe: “What?”

Dot: “Your ice cream! Was it good?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why didn’t you like it?”

Joe: “It tasted like shit!”

Dot: “Oh it did not! You love ice cream!”

Joe: “Have you tasted it?”

Dot: “Yes, it’s chocolate ice cream.”

Joe: “It’s a pile of shit!”

Dot: “Do you like the singing on the show?”

(We’re watching “The Voice“)

Joe: “What show?”

Dot: “The one on TV. It’s a singing show. Do you like the girl who’s singing?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why not?”

Joe: “Cuz she sounds like shit.”

Dot: “Oh no she doesn’t.”

Joe: “How do you know what shit sounds like?”

Dot: “How do YOU know what it sounds like?”

Joe: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

Dot: “Where do you want to go?”

Joe: “Take a shit.”

Me: “Hey Joe, is shit your favorite word tonight?”

Joe looked right at me and then tapped Dot on the shoulder.

Dot: “What?”

Joe: “Who is that girl over there?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She’s going to take you to the bathroom now.”

Joe: “What for?”

Dot: “So you can take a shit!”

Joe: “I don’t need any girl to help me take a shit!”

Dot: “Yes you do! Last time you went to the bathroom by yourself you fell right on your face!”

Joe looked around the room and he appeared bewildered: “What the HELL is going on around here?!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Joe, you’re safe at home.”

Joe looked at me like I was crazy and shouted: “BULLSHIT!

Looks like it’s going to be another long night…