The Leaky Pipe.

JoeI took Joe to the bathroom so that he could do a “stand up job”. I have to hold him up so that he doesn’t fall during the process, and when I didn’t hear anymore tinkle sounds I asked him if he was all finished.

Joe:  “It seems like it’s done draining, as far as I can tell…”

About the time he finished his sentence, I heard some more tinkle sounds.

Joe:  “Whoops!  Looks like we’ve got a leaky pipe!”

Survival.

JoeAfter eating a big lunch this afternoon, including dessert, I asked Joe if he’d had enough to eat.

Joe:   “I ate enough to survive.”

Dot:   “Aren’t you full? You should be full!”

Joe:   “I wouldn’t say I’m full so much as…I’m still alive.”

Okay then.

The Bathroom Expert.

JoeI love it when I am trying to help Joe in the bathroom, and I say, “Alright Joe, I’m going to help you pull your pants down now…”

Joe:   “What the hell are you gonna pull my pants down for?”

Me:  “Because you’ve kinda gotta pull your pants down before you sit on the toilet…”

Joe:  “What are you…some kind of expert or something?!”

Me:   “I guess so, yes.”

Joe:   “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that you’re going to help me take my penis out and point it in the right direction.”

Me:  “Actually, you’re on your own with that one.”

Joe:  “You’re not such an expert anymore are ya?”

Me:   “Nope, that is most definitely NOT my area of expertise.”

The Eagle.

JoeJoe’s brother, Bart, was here visiting earlier today.  When he was on his way out the door, he looked at me, cracked up and said, “are you an eagle or something?”  I just giggled and shrugged my shoulders.  I was totally baffled by his comment, but I wasn’t offended because I’ve certainly been called worse.

It took me a good hour before I realized that I was wearing an American Eagle t-shirt that said “EAGLE” in bold letters right across the front.

Bart – 1
Me – 0

Tiger? What Tiger?

imagesToday I watched “Life of Pi” with Joe (who slept through the entire thing) and Dot (who only slept through part of it).  Before I start any movie I always give Joe and Dot a brief summary of what it is going to be about.  I described “Life of Pi” as being about a shipwrecked teenager who has to figure out how to survive on a lifeboat with a tiger.  Joe and Dot thought that it sounded pretty interesting, so we went with it.

When the movie was over, I asked Dot what she thought:

Dot:  “Well, it was okay…but I was waiting to see the tiger.”

Me:  “You didn’t notice the tiger?”

Dot:  “No, I didn’t notice it.  Which scene was it in?”

Me:  “The tiger is pretty much in every scene.”

Dot:  “Oh well.  I guess you put the wrong movie in huh?”

Me:  “Bummer.  I guess I did.”

(I didn’t.)

A little while later she asked, “What did the tiger look like?”

Me:  “It’s a large orange cat with black stripes…”

Dot:  “OH!  THAT was the tiger?!  I thought that was an elephant.”

Me:  “Nope.  It was a tiger.”

Dot:  “It looked an awful lot like an elephant though didn’t it…?”

Me:  “Um…not really.  It pretty much looked exactly like a tiger.”

Dot laughed:  “I guess you should wear your glasses next time huh?”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess I should.”

(I don’t wear glasses.)

Dog Food for Supper.

joe_dotIt was extremely hot yesterday, so Dot suggested that I make something “cool” for supper.  When I looked in the refrigerator, I noticed that there were three large pieces of steak that were leftover from the BBQ that Dot attended with her daughters the night before, so I decided to make steak salad for supper.

Once I got both Joe and Dot seated at the dinner table, I poured each of them a glass of wine, and then I set their plates in front of them.  I had made fresh ranch dressing, so I poured a bit of it onto Joe’s salad, and he started digging in.  I notice that Dot was just sort of staring at her plate with a bewildered expression for a moment, but soon enough she was chowing down as well.

After we had all cleaned our plates, and I had served Joe and Dot their brownies and ice cream for dessert, Dot asked me where I got the steak.

Me:  “The steak was wrapped up in tin foil in the fridge.  It was your leftovers from the BBQ last night.”

Dot:  “Oh, I was wondering where it came from!  Now I remember…Julie (Joe and Dot’s oldest daughter) didn’t eat all of her steak, so she sent it home with me so that I could feed it to the dog!”

Me:  “Well I did feed the dog the scraps that were leftover.”

Dot:  “Oh well, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t tell Julie…”

Me:  “Don’t tell Julie that I fed you guys dog food for supper?”

Dot:  “Yes, don’t tell her that.”

Joe:  “We had WHAT for supper?!?!”

 

Crop-Dusting.

joe_dotDot suddenly shot up from the couch in the middle of her favorite celebrity gossip show “Extra“, and she hobbled her way toward the bathroom.  As Dot marched past Joe and I, an incredibly loud and continuous burst of gas bellowed out behind her.  Even so, she did not seem amused when Joe called out, “Hurry Dot…Hurry!”

Once Dot was in the bathroom, Joe turned to me and said, “That there is what happens when you grow up on a farm…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What do you mean?”

Joe:  “Well see…Dot grew up on a farm, and that’s why she knows the importance of crop-dusting.

I laughed:  “You noticed that huh?”

Joe laughed:  “Hard not to notice when she goes breezing past ya like that without so much as a how-do-ya-do.”

Me:  “It’s probably best not to mention it to Dot though, okay?  I’m pretty sure that she thinks that we didn’t notice.”

Joe:  “Oh I’m not gonna say anything to her about it!  She may have crop-dusted the place, but she’s STILL a lady!”

Nuns.

imagesI watched “Sister Act” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, or I guess I should say that I watched it while both Joe and Dot enjoyed their daily head-bobbing naps in their chairs.

During one of the infamous choir scenes, Joe woke up, his eyes got big and he said, “My god, that’s A HELLUVA LOT of Nuns!”

Me: “Yep, it’s a-whole-lotta-nuns all right.”

Later in the movie, Joe woke up during a scene where Whoopi Goldberg was out of her nun costume and wearing an enormous, 80’s, afro-wig.

Joe said, “Do you think that lady knows that a giant yak up and died on her head?”

Me: “If not, I’m sure she’ll figure it out soon enough.”

Joe: “Once it gets too heavy for her neck to hold it up she’ll put it back out to pasture.”

Me: “I’m sure you’re right about that, Joe.”

Horse Pedicures.

JoeJoe:  “What the hell happened to your toenails?”

Me:  “They’re painted.”

Joe:  “You mean to tell me that you did that to yourself, on purpose?!”

Me:  “Actually, I paid someone to paint them for me.”

Joe: “Oh Hogwash!  Next time you want to get your toes that color just go out to any old farm and let the horses stomp on your feet!  That’d get the job done a whole lot cheaper.”

Me: “Thanks Joe, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Awkward.

JoeThe worst time for a client to have a lucid moment is when you are giving them a bed bath, and while you are washing their private parts (with gloves and a wash cloth of course) they look at you suspiciously and say, “Ummm…excuse me?  What are you doing…?”  This happened this morning with Joe, and when I explained to him that I was getting him cleaned up and ready for the day he did not appear convinced.