Those God%#@* Coyotes!

Lois the FinLois has continued to ask me about visiting her sister, Sylvia, who has been dead and buried for nearly ten years.  As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have used every tactic that I can think of to try to redirect her thoughts, but to no avail.  Finally, I had no choice but to break the news to her:

Me:  “Lois, I hate to be the one to tell you this…”

Lois snapped:  “Tell me what?!”

Me:  “Sylvia passed away about ten years ago…”

Lois was shocked:  “Did she get hit by a car?!”

I have no idea how Sylvia died, but I didn’t imagine that she was hit by a car so I said, “No.”

Lois:  “Did the wolves get her?”

Me:  “The wolves?  Ummm…that’s highly unlikely.”

Lois:  “It must’ve been the coyotes.  Those GODDAMNED coyotes!”

Me:  “I’m pretty sure that she died of old age, Lois.”

Lois laughed:  “She wasn’t old enough to die of old age!”

Me:  “She was in her 80’s.”

Lois:  “Who the HELL are you talking about?!”

Me:  “Your sister, Sylvia.”

Lois:  “What the HELL is the matter with you!  I wasn’t talking about my SISTER!  I was talking about my CAT!!”

Me:  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I must’ve misunderstood.  I didn’t know that you had a cat named Sylvia.”

Lois:  “I don’t!  My cat’s name is Baby!”

Me:  “Um…okay…so you want to go and visit Baby?  I’m sure that she’s outside if you want to call for her.”

Lois:  “She’s too far away.”

Me:  “She usually just hangs around the backyard.”

Lois:  “Baby is at Sylvia’s house.  I need to go to Sylvia’s house to pick Baby up and bring her home!”

Here we go again…

Bridge Collapse.

Lois the FinLois keeps asking me about her sister who passed away more than ten years ago, and in my attempts to not have to remind Lois that her sister has died, I came up with the following diversions:

Lois:  “Can you take me to go visit Sylvia?”

Me:  “Look at how sunny it is outside! Would you like to go for a walk?”

Lois:  “Can we walk to Sylvia’s house?”

Me:  “Um…I don’t think Sylvia’s home today. Would you like me to read the newspaper to you?”

Lois:  “Well let’s call her and see if she’s home?”

Me:  “We can call your grandson…”

Lois:  “Is his name Sylvia?”

Me:  “No…”

Lois:  “Then why would I want to call him?”

Me:  “Did you hear about the bridge that collapsed in Washington? It’s on the front page of the paper. I’m from the area where it happened. I’ve driven over that bridge more times than I can even count!”

Lois:  “Did cars fall into the water?”

Me:  “Yes, 2 cars fell in the water, but no one got hurt, thank God.”

Lois: “That must be where Sylvia went. She must’ve fallen off of that bridge.”

Me:  “Oh I don’t think so, Lois.”

Lois:  “Oh I bet she did. She was a terrible driver! Now, what’s for lunch…?”

The Mack Truck.

Lois the FinThis afternoon, Lois woke herself up from her nap with the most gigantic fart I’ve ever heard.This is what happened next:Lois: “Who is making all of the racket in there!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Lois, you can go back to sleep.”

Lois: “How the HELL do you expect me to go back to sleep when you’re making so much racket that it sounds like someone’s driving a Mack Truck through my living room?!”

Me: “Lois, do you want to know the truth about what woke you up?”

Lois: “Of course I want to know the truth and I demand an apology as well!”

Me: “Okay then, but you’re not going to like it…”

Lois: “Just tell me for heaven’s sake!”

Me: “You passed gas while you were sleeping and woke yourself up.”

Lois: “You mean…I’m the one who was making all the racket?!”

Me: “Yes it was you.”

Lois thought about it for a second and laughed: “Boy, that was a doozy!”

Me: “It was pretty impressive all right.”

Lois: “I guess I’m the one who owes you an apology!”

Me: “Oh it’s okay Lois, I’ve heard worse. I have brothers.”

Wolves.

Lois the FinLois wandered around the house for two hours tonight searching for her crazy cat that completely ignores her. Of course she was wearing nothing but her little pink t-shirt, a pair of saggy Depends and her favorite fuzzy boot slippers.I tried to suggest that she at least wear her bathrobe and her response was: “Do you want me to die of heat stroke or something?!” It was in the 80’s outside today so I could see her point.

I tried to reason with her about flashing the neighbors and her response was: “I ain’t showin’ em nothin they haven’t seen before!”

That is also true.

Two hours later…

Lois: “I can’t find Baby!”

Me: “I know Lois, I’m sorry. I’m sure she’ll turn up soon.”

Lois: “Well the wolves probably got her.”

Me: “I’m sure she’s fine.”

Lois: “Oh no, those wolves gobbled her up! Either that or the coyotes…”

Me: “I’m sure she’s out there somewhere. I saw her at lunchtime.”

Lois: “Did she eat?”

Me: “Yes, she ate some of her soft food.”

Lois: “Oh good! I’m glad Baby got one last, tasty meal before the wild animals ate her for a snack.”

Baby came in an hour later for dinner. She waited until Lois stopped calling for her and then she creeped in and ate her food.

I guess the wolves will have to prey on some other old lady’s cat tonight…

Prisoner of War.

Lois the FinLois always has to check the basement before bed to make sure that everything’s locked up, etc. This process can take anywhere from one to three hours. Thankfully she is usually happy to wander around by herself with her flashlight, but some nights (like tonight) she requires our assistance with checking and rechecking and rechecking (repeat 500 times) the locks. These are the nights that you wonder what you could have possibly done in a former life to deserve this special kind of hell.

And as if things weren’t terrible enough, Lois insisted that I follow behind her as we went up the stairs, because she had the flashlight and she was worried that I might fall. So she took the steps, verrrry slowly, one at a time, and each step was aided by the abrupt force of her bullet-like farts. By the third step, I couldn’t take it anymore.

Me: “Lois, you go on ahead without me. I’ll be up in a minute.”

Lois: “Oh no, it will be much safer if you follow behind me. I’d feel terrible if you had a fall!”

Me: “I just figured that it might be a good idea to check the locks a few hundred more times.”

Lois: “Oh, good idea. Here, I’ll let you take the flashlight so that you can see what you’re doing.”

Mind you, there are about 6 lights that are left on in the basement for her crazy cat all night long, but Lois is blind as a bat.

Me: “Thank you, Lois. The flashlight really does help.”

Lois made her way up the stairs slowly but surely, with the aid of her rapid-fire farts. The sound echoed through the basement and for a moment I felt like a prisoner of war.

And she never even said “excuse me”. Not even once.

Frisky, the Sleepy Cat.

Lois the FinMy client, Lois, is very confused tonight. First she was calling me Caroline and then I was Caroline’s friend, and for about an hour she thought I was her sister, Thelma (who has been dead for more than a decade).

I tried to remind her who I really am, but it just wasn’t working so rather than confusing her more than she already was, I just went along with it.

Her questions had more to do with my (Caroline’s/Thelma’s) pet/pets than anything else.

Lois: “How is your cat doing, Caroline? You know, the one that sleeps all the time?”

Me: “Oh he’s doing great!”

Lois: “What was his name again?”

Me: “Um…(reading cat food bag)…Frisky.”

Lois laughed: “Frisky is a funny name for a cat who sleeps all the time.”

Me: “Yeah haha I guess you’re right.”

Lois: “How old is he now?”

Me: “Um…he’s around 10 or so?”

Lois laughed: “Oh no! He’s gotta be much older than that! I’m surprised that he’s even still alive! Are you sure he’s not dead?”

Me: “Well now that you mention it, he is sleeping even more than usual…I guess I’d better check to make sure he’s breathing when I get home.”

Lois: “Yeah you’d better check because pretty soon he’ll really start stinking up the place!”

Tall Trees and Shrubbery.

Lois the FinLois just shuffled past my bedroom and she was wearing her little T-shirt and her cozy, pink slippers, but nothing else.

Me: “Do you need help with anything, Lois?”

Lois: “I was just going to look for a little snack.”

Me: “How about I fix you a snack.”

Lois: “Oh, that would be wonderful. Now I’d better go look for Baby.”

She opened the back door and started to call out for the cat.

Me: “Lois, don’t you think you ought to put on some pants?”

Lois looked down: “Well for Pete’s sake! Where’d my pants go?”

Me: “My guess would be in your bedroom…”

Lois giggled: “I gave the neighbors quite a show huh?”

Me: “You sure did!”

Lois: “Now where was I? Oh yeah, I’d better look for Baby…”

Still naked from the waste down, she opens the back door: “BABY? BABY!!”

This must be why God created tall trees and shrubbery.

Caroline.

Lois the FinMy favorite is when my client, Lois, comes and sits by me on my bed and we have a whole conversation where she asks me 3 times who I am and I tell her my name, but she insists that I’m a lady with bad hips named Caroline who lives across the street with 3 kids (2 boys and 1 girl) and a black cat named Thomas.

As far as I know this person does not actually exist, but as long as she likes Caroline I’ll go along with it. Then after Lois and I (Caroline) have a few laughs, Lois gets up from my bed and farts like a revved up, long haul diesel truck engine for a full 60 seconds as she exits the room without so much as a “pardon me”.

Goodnight to you too, Lois.

Sweet Potatoes Part II.

c4966565240f8b946921653Lois is sweet enough to let me go to church on Sundays (I stay with her for 48 hours straight on Saturdays and Sundays) as long as I pick her up a cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake on my way home.  I ask her every week if she’d like to go to church with me, and her response usually goes something like this:

Lois:  “Do you know how exhausting it is for an old lady to get ready for church?  I’m too old, and God understands that.”

Usually she takes her morning nap while I’m gone and when I get back I wake her up for lunch.  When I got back from church this morning, however, Lois was waiting for me at the door…

Lois:  “There’s something wrong with Baby!”  (Baby is the most spoiled feral cat on the planet.  She lives in Lois’ basement and only comes up to eat, which is about 5,000 times a day, and Lois obsesses over her CONSTANTLY.)

Me:  “Why do you think there’s something wrong with Baby?”

Lois:  “She must be sick because she refuses to eat anything!”

Me:  “Well I fed her half of a can of wet food before I left for church this morning, so she can’t be too hungry.”

Lois:  “BABY IS STARVING!  SHE’S BEEN UP HERE MEOWING AND MEOWING AND MEOWING!”

Me:  “Okay, settle down, I will put some food out for her…”

Lois:  “I ALREADY PUT FOOD OUT FOR HER AND SHE REFUSES TO EAT ANY OF IT!”

By then I had managed to step into the house and I was able to see that there was a plate on the floor with mashed sweet potatoes on it.  I made my way into the kitchen, and all together I counted 6 plates of sweet potatoes that were set out for Baby.

Oh boy, here we go again…

I picked up the plates and set them on the counter.

Lois:  “Baby can’t get to her food if you put it up this high!”

Me:  “I think Baby just needs some fresh food, so I will open up a new can for her…”

Lois:  “I JUST OPENED UP A CAN!  DON’T BE WASTEFUL!!”

Me:  “Okay Lois, let me explain something…this is not cat food on these plates.”

Lois:  “OF COURSE IT’S CAT FOOD!”

Me:  “It is actually our leftovers from dinner last night.”

Lois:  “We had CAT FOOD for dinner last night?!”

Me:  (deep breath) “No, we did not have cat food.  We had baked chicken and mashed sweet potatoes, and what you put on these plates for Baby is the leftover sweet potatoes.”

Lois:  “Baby doesn’t like sweet potatoes.”

Me:  “I know she doesn’t.  Most cats don’t.  So how about you let me open up a fresh can of cat food for her, okay?”

Lois cracked up:  “Well NO WONDER she wouldn’t eat!”

Me:  “Yep.  No wonder.”

Lois:  “Who the HELL thought it was a good idea to make cat food out of sweet potatoes?!”

Me:  “You got me, Lois.”

Lois:  “Well by golly, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!  Since when does a CAT enjoy eating POTATOES?”

Me:  “I really don’t have an answer to that…”

Lois:  “What brand is that cat food anyway?”

Me:  “It’s ‘Fancy Feast’.”

Lois:  “Fancy Feast MY ASS!  What’s fancy about a sweet potato?”

Me:  “There is absolutely nothing fancy about a sweet potato.”

Lois:  “DARN RIGHT!  Potatoes are the poor man’s food.  Well, I guess I’d better call Baby upstairs for lunch…BABY?  BABY?  BAYYYYY-BEEEEEEEEE!”

Nobody Feeds Baby a Sweet Potato.

Sweet Potatoes.

813500677Lois (hollers from the kitchen):  “What the HELL is this?!”

I quickly made my way toward the direction of her voice.  Me:  “Oh, that’s the leftover sweet potatoes from dinner.”

Lois:  “What the HELL are sweet potatoes doing in the cat food?”

I was confused:  “Um…there shouldn’t be sweet potatoes in the cat food…are you trying to feed the cat?  I will open a fresh can of food for you.”

Lois:  “I don’t NEED a new can!  I want to use the rest of THIS can!”

Me:  “But Lois, that isn’t cat food.  Those are sweet potatoes.”

Lois:  “WHO PUT SWEET POTATOES IN THE CAT FOOD!!”

Me:  “Okay Lois, just calm down and let me explain this to you.”

Lois was panting at this point because she’d gotten herself so worked up.

Me:  “The container that you are holding right now is NOT cat food.”

Lois:  “BUT..!”

Me:  “I am holding the cat food in my hand right now and I am about to put some of it on the dish for Baby…”

Lois:  “BABY DOESN’T LIKE SWEET POTATOES!”

Me:  “I’m not giving her sweet potatoes, Lois.  I’m giving her the salmon flavored kind.”

Lois:  “Salmon flavored SWEET POTATOES?!”

Me:  “No.  Salmon flavored cat food.”

Lois:  “Why are there potatoes with salmon?!  Everyone knows that you should serve salmon with RICE!”

I took a deep breath, realizing that there was no winning this debate.

Me:  “How about some milk?  Does Baby like milk?”

Lois:  “Yes, but only if it’s warm.”

(internal eye-roll)

Me:  “Okay, I will warm up some milk for Baby.”

Lois grumbled.

Me:  “What was that you said, Lois?”

Lois:  “I said ‘just don’t mix any SWEET POTATOES in with the milk’…”

I just pretended like I didn’t hear that statement.

Lois grumbled again:  “I just don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to put any kind of potatoes in cat food; sweet potatoes or otherwise!”

Me:  “THERE WERE NEVER ANY FREAKING SWEET POTATOES IN THE FREAKING CAT FOOD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!”

Don’t worry, I said that last statement internally.