The Other Guy.

JoeAs a caregiver, there is nothing worse than when a client falls and hurts themselves on your watch.  Yesterday evening, while I was taking dinner out of the oven and Dot was making a phone call, Joe got up from his recliner on his own and somehow ended up falling face first on the bricks around the fireplace.  Of all of the places that Joe could fall in the entire house; this was by far the worst!

The poor guy got a cut on his nose from the bridge of his glasses, as well as a nasty shiner under his right eye.  I called 911 immediately, and they determined that they needed to take him to the ER because he needed some X-rays and a few stitches on his nose.  Interestingly enough, when the paramedics were asking Joe questions to determine whether or not he may have had a concussion, Joe was answering each question with complete clarity.  It was as if having his brain jarred on the brick floor momentarily knocked out the dementia.  He told them his full name, where he lives, his address, the day of the week, everything!

When the paramedics asked him how he ended up on the floor, Joe said, “It was the darndest thing!  One minute I was standing and the next minute I was belly-up on the concrete.”

Paramedic:  “Where do you hurt?”

Joe:  “Well, let’s see…  My nose is bleeding like a stuck pig for one thing, and being that I can’t open my eye, I’m guessing that I have a pretty nasty shiner…”

Paramedic:  “Yeah, you’re pretty banged up all right.”

Joe chuckled:  “You should see the other guy!”

My Sandwich.

JoeI love it when I’m at work and by the time I sit down to eat my lunch, Joe and Dot have already finished eating theirs, only Joe doesn’t remember eating his lunch, so when I step away to pour myself a glass of water, Joe helps himself to my sandwich…

Tombstone.

Lois the FinWhile I was tucking Lois into bed tonight she said, “You know, the other day I thought for sure I was a goner…”

Me:  “Why? What happened?”

Lois:  “I was just in so much pain and agony that I could hardly stand it!”

Me:  “That’s terrible, Lois! Did someone take you to the doctor?”

Lois:   “Well no, cuz it turned out that it was one of those sideways farts that was just jammed up in my belly, and once I was able to shake it out I felt a whole lot better.”

Me:  “Well I sure am glad that you were able to get it out! It’d be pretty terrible to live 94 years just to end up dying from a sideways fart.”

Lois cracked up:  “Imagine reading THAT tombstone!”

Whitney’s Here…

Lois the FinI love it when I show up for work and the other caregiver says, “I’m going home now, Lois. Whitney’s here!”

Lois: “Who’s here?”

Me: “I’m here, Lois. It’s me, Whitney…”

Lois: “Oh Whitney! You’re the one that I like! You can tell that other lady to hit the road now.”

Other Caregiver: “Well I guess that’s my cue to leave…”

Hospice.

Went outside for a walk with my new client this morning (60 years old, dying of lung cancer) and the neighbor next door waved and hollered, “Hey Donna! How are you doing today?”

Donna:  “Well…not so good Bob…I’m on hospice now.”

Bob:   “Oh good for you!   You must be feeling better then huh…?”

FYI:  Hospice means that the doctor has given you 3 months or less to live…

Farm Chores.

JoeAt about 2am, Joe hollered out:  “Hey!  What are you doing over there?!”

I was sound asleep in the bed on the other side of the bedroom, and he about scared me half to death:  “I’m just sleeping, Joe.”

Joe:  “Well what are you doing sleeping when the cows need to be milked?”

Me:  “I thought it was your turn to milk the cows.”

Joe:  “The HELL it is!  It’s YOUR turn!  I have to feed the hogs.”

Me:  “Will you trade me?  How about I’ll feed the hogs if you’ll milk the cows, since I’ve never milked a cow before…?”

Joe:  “You’ve NEVER milked a cow?  Well alright…I guess I can trade with you.  But just this once!”

Me:  “Thanks Joe, you’re a lifesaver!”

I waited for a couple of minutes and then I said:  “Okay, I’m all done feeding the hogs so I guess I’ll go back to sleep now okay?”

Joe:  “You’re already done?  Boy, you really half-assed it, didn’t ya?”

Me:  “I suppose I did.”

Joe:  “Well, tomorrow’s a new day.”

Me:  “It sure is.  Goodnight Joe.”

Joe:  “Yeah, goodnight.”

Ketchup.

JoeI take great pride in making a super healthy dinner that’s delicious enough that even Joe will eat it. Turkey burgers with sautéed onions, mushrooms, red & orange peppers mixed in, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and brown rice. Once it was all covered in Heinz Ketchup, Joe woofed it down like a champ!

Night Lights.

Lois the FinLois has little night lights plugged in all over her house so that she can see to get to the bathroom during the night.  Tonight she asked me to change the bulb in one of them because it had burned out.

At the same time that I was kneeling down to change the bulb, Lois turned to shuffle her way to the bathroom, and without any warning whatsoever, she began to expel what would end up being a minute and a half rocket-launcher of a fart.  She actually appeared to be hydro-planing down the hall in her fuzzy pink bathrobe.

Note to self:  Always make sure that Lois is at least 20 feet away from your person before you even think about crouching down to change a night light bulb

Joe’s Favorite Word.

JoeHow to tell when Joe is in a bad mood:

Dot: “Did you like that?”

Joe: “What?”

Dot: “Your ice cream! Was it good?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why didn’t you like it?”

Joe: “It tasted like shit!”

Dot: “Oh it did not! You love ice cream!”

Joe: “Have you tasted it?”

Dot: “Yes, it’s chocolate ice cream.”

Joe: “It’s a pile of shit!”

Dot: “Do you like the singing on the show?”

(We’re watching “The Voice“)

Joe: “What show?”

Dot: “The one on TV. It’s a singing show. Do you like the girl who’s singing?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why not?”

Joe: “Cuz she sounds like shit.”

Dot: “Oh no she doesn’t.”

Joe: “How do you know what shit sounds like?”

Dot: “How do YOU know what it sounds like?”

Joe: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

Dot: “Where do you want to go?”

Joe: “Take a shit.”

Me: “Hey Joe, is shit your favorite word tonight?”

Joe looked right at me and then tapped Dot on the shoulder.

Dot: “What?”

Joe: “Who is that girl over there?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She’s going to take you to the bathroom now.”

Joe: “What for?”

Dot: “So you can take a shit!”

Joe: “I don’t need any girl to help me take a shit!”

Dot: “Yes you do! Last time you went to the bathroom by yourself you fell right on your face!”

Joe looked around the room and he appeared bewildered: “What the HELL is going on around here?!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Joe, you’re safe at home.”

Joe looked at me like I was crazy and shouted: “BULLSHIT!

Looks like it’s going to be another long night…

The Ceiling Leg.

JoeThank you to all of our troops!   The rest of this post has nothing to do with Memorial Day, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less grateful.

Me:  “Good Morning, Joe! Did you sleep okay last night?”

Joe:  “I think so…but the darnedest thing happened!”

Me:  “What happened?”

Joe:   “My leg was on the ceiling!”

Me:  “Your leg? What was it doing up on the ceiling?!”

Joe laughed:  “I have no idea. I asked him why he was up there and he didn’t answer.”

Me:   “Well that’s pretty strange.”

Joe:  “You’re darned right! It was the strangest thing I ever saw! I was worried that it would kick me and then I wouldn’t be able to kick high enough with my other leg to kick back…”

Me:  “Yeah, that’d be pretty problematic wouldn’t it?”

Joe:  “Sure would!”

Me:  “Okay, well I’m going to get you cleaned up and ready for the day now, so don’t go kicking me with your ceiling leg…”

Joe looked serious:  “My ceiling leg would NEVER kick a lady!”