Tag Archives: arguments

The Seafood Diet.

Posted on by
Reply

Dot was asking me about my diet this morning because she’s impressed with the results that I’ve achieved so far.  I explained to her that I’m not allowed to eat carbohydrates.  She had a puzzled look on her face so I said that I just don’t eat any sugar or flour; so no bread, rice, pasta or desserts for me.

Dot:  “Well I think that I’d like to go on that diet with you.”

Dot probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, so I told her that she didn’t need to go on any diets.

Dot looked at Joe’s expanding belly:  “Well then we should put Joe on that diet with you.”

Joe looked shocked:  “ME?!  I’m not going on any goddamned diet!”

Dot:  “Well, you should go on a diet!  Besides, this one sounds perfect for you…”

Joe:  “The only way that any diet will be perfect for me is if I can eat as much ice cream and as many cookies that I want!”

Dot:  “See?  This will work out perfectly!”

I stopped their argument to interject:  “Actually Dot, this diet is not perfect for either of you.”

Dot looked confused:  “But I thought that you said that all you can eat is sugar and bread…?”

I laughed, “No it’s the opposite.  The only thing that I CAN’T have is sugar and bread.”

Joe crossed his arms and gave Dot a look that said, “I told you so!”

Dot:  “Well that just doesn’t seem right not being able to have desserts…”

Me:  “I actually don’t know of any diets where desserts are permissible, Dot.”  I thought back and suddenly remembered a joke from grade school, and with a straight face I said, “Well, except of course the Seafood Diet…”

Dot looked intrigued:  “What do you get to eat on that diet?  Just fish and shrimp and stuff?”

I winked at Joe:  “Well it’s a simple diet.  Basically how it works is when you SEE food, you get to EAT it!”

Joe busted out laughing at that point.  “Ok, you’ve talked me into it.  I’ll go on THAT diet!”

Dot laughed too:  “Oh just never you mind about diets, Joe.”

Joe:  “Yeah, but now I WANT to go on a diet.”

I laughed and said, “Well it’s pretty much the diet you’re already on, Joe.”

Joe:  “Is that right?!  Well all right then.  That sounds alright.”  Then he went back to reading his newspaper.

 

 

 

 

The Tree.

Posted on by
1

Joe got up from his chair and Dot asked him where he was going.

Joe snapped:  “None of your business!”

Dot rolled her eyes and looked at me:  “He’s in another one of his moods again…”

Joe:  “I’ll be in any mood I damned well want!”

Me:  “Are you headed to the bathroom, Joe?  Follow me, I’ll show you where to go…”

Joe:  “I don’t need YOU to show me where the god-damned bathroom is!  I built this house with my own two hands [actually he hired someone to build the house, but he did help design it] so I oughta know where to take a leak!”

Me:  “Ok Joe, just go ahead.  Let me know if you change your mind…”

Joe wandered off through the kitchen, and I followed quietly behind him.  He opened the coat closet door, then he opened the front door to the house.

Joe said to himself:  “Oh hell somebody moved the bathroom again!  I guess I’ll just go behind a tree…”

Me:  “Hey wait Joe, it looks like they moved the bathroom over here…”

Joe looked at me and then looked in the direction that I was pointing:  “Those bastards.”

Me:  “I know.  I don’t know why they keep moving it around.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Here, let me help you into the bathroom…”

Joe hesitated:  “Well okay…It’s better than going behind a damned tree.  But will you do me a favor and tell those idiots to stop moving the bathroom all over place for god’s sake??”

Me:  “I will.  I’ll have a talk with them today.”

Joe:  “Either that or tell them to move a tree into the house…”

The Tractor.

Posted on by
2

While we were eating lunch today, how do I say this nicely…

Joe passed a little gas.

In hopes that Dot didn’t hear it (since her bad ear was nearest to the event) I pretended like I didn’t notice.

Apparently Joe needed some recognition in that moment, because he giggled and said, “Yoo-hoo!”

Dot looked up at him: “What do you need Joe?”

Joe grinned from ear to ear and said, “Did you hear that Dot?”

Dot craned her head to look outside the window: “Was that the tractor?”

Joe, still grinning from ear to ear shook his head “No”.

Dot said (and I wanted to die laughing): “It sounded like James (their son) just started up the tractor…”

I was trying so hard not to meet Joe’s eyes, but then I thought better of it and tried not to smile when I gave him a look that said: “Don’t do it…!”

Joe was practically bouncing on his chair with excitement when he said, “Nope. It wasn’t no tractor…”

I practically buried my head in my bowl of soup at this point to keep from laughing. It was too late to stop him.

Joe:  “Wanna know what it was Dorothy?” Joe was smiling so big when Dot looked at him that I’m pretty sure she figured it out before he announced proudly: “It was a FART!”

It took everything that I had in me to keep my taco soup from shooting out of my nose, but I managed to hold it in.

“Oh Joe…” Dot shook her head in disapproval and went right back to her lunch.  Joe started laughing so hard that his whole body was shaking, but once he realized that Dot was determined to have no reaction to what he just said, he quietly went back to eating his soup.

Of course, just when I thought I was safe, Joe made eye contact with me and winked.

I quickly excused myself from the table, and headed to the bathroom where I could shut the door and double over with laughter. Once I composed myself I walked back to the table.

Joe was sitting there with the proudest look on his smiling face. “See Dot? That girl thought it was funny…!”

Dot made a noise that was something between a grunt and a chuckle before she said, “Joe, just stop playing around and eat your soup!”