Crop-Dusting.

joe_dotDot suddenly shot up from the couch in the middle of her favorite celebrity gossip show “Extra“, and she hobbled her way toward the bathroom.  As Dot marched past Joe and I, an incredibly loud and continuous burst of gas bellowed out behind her.  Even so, she did not seem amused when Joe called out, “Hurry Dot…Hurry!”

Once Dot was in the bathroom, Joe turned to me and said, “That there is what happens when you grow up on a farm…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What do you mean?”

Joe:  “Well see…Dot grew up on a farm, and that’s why she knows the importance of crop-dusting.

I laughed:  “You noticed that huh?”

Joe laughed:  “Hard not to notice when she goes breezing past ya like that without so much as a how-do-ya-do.”

Me:  “It’s probably best not to mention it to Dot though, okay?  I’m pretty sure that she thinks that we didn’t notice.”

Joe:  “Oh I’m not gonna say anything to her about it!  She may have crop-dusted the place, but she’s STILL a lady!”

A Round of Applause.

JoeThis afternoon Joe was very polite and subtle when he announced to Dot and I that he needed to “take a shit”.  As quickly as I could, I got him up off of his recliner, maneuvered him down the hallway with his walker to the bathroom, and got him safely seated on the toilet.  There is always a last-minute fear of what I might find when I help any of my clients to pull down their Depends, but today I was relieved to discover that we’d made it to the toilet on time for a change, and I had to fight the urge to sing the Hallelujah Chorus.

I was playing Scrabble on my iPhone as Joe did his business, when all of a sudden he looked down and saw my shoes (I was wearing my oldest pair of black Converse).

Joe:  “Those are some fancy shoes you got there!”

Me:  “Oh yeah, they’re pretty fancy alright.”

Joe:  “Yep.”  He looked up at me:  “Hey, what are you doing hanging out in the bathroom anyways?”

Me:  “Oh I’m just here in case you need any help.”

Joe chuckled:  “I don’t need any help.  I’ve been shitting by myself for many a year.”

Me:  “Well I don’t really have anything else going on so I thought that I may as well hang out with you in here if you don’t mind.”

Joe shrugged:  “That sounds alright to me.  I’m sure there are better smelling places to hang out around here, but if you can stand the smell then you’re more than welcome to stay.”  He looked down at my feet again and said, “I guess that’s why you’re wearing your fancy shoes huh?”

Me:  “Yep, that’s exactly why.”

When Joe was finished doing his business, I helped him to wash his hands and then we wandered slowly back to the living room.

Dot:  “Well how’d you do?”

Joe:  “How’d I do what?”

Dot:  “How’d it go in the bathroom?”

Joe:  “Well I took a shit if that’s what you’re gettin’ at.”

I added, “And Someone even made it to the toilet on time!”

Dot clapped her hands and said, “Wow!  Good job Joe!”

Joe cracked up:  “If I knew that I’d get this much applause every time I took a shit, I’d have started telling folks about it a long time ago!”

The Tree.

Joe got up from his chair and Dot asked him where he was going.

Joe snapped:  “None of your business!”

Dot rolled her eyes and looked at me:  “He’s in another one of his moods again…”

Joe:  “I’ll be in any mood I damned well want!”

Me:  “Are you headed to the bathroom, Joe?  Follow me, I’ll show you where to go…”

Joe:  “I don’t need YOU to show me where the god-damned bathroom is!  I built this house with my own two hands [actually he hired someone to build the house, but he did help design it] so I oughta know where to take a leak!”

Me:  “Ok Joe, just go ahead.  Let me know if you change your mind…”

Joe wandered off through the kitchen, and I followed quietly behind him.  He opened the coat closet door, then he opened the front door to the house.

Joe said to himself:  “Oh hell somebody moved the bathroom again!  I guess I’ll just go behind a tree…”

Me:  “Hey wait Joe, it looks like they moved the bathroom over here…”

Joe looked at me and then looked in the direction that I was pointing:  “Those bastards.”

Me:  “I know.  I don’t know why they keep moving it around.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Here, let me help you into the bathroom…”

Joe hesitated:  “Well okay…It’s better than going behind a damned tree.  But will you do me a favor and tell those idiots to stop moving the bathroom all over place for god’s sake??”

Me:  “I will.  I’ll have a talk with them today.”

Joe:  “Either that or tell them to move a tree into the house…”