Salty Thingamajigs.

Lois the FinNothing like spending an hour putting together healthy Greek chicken pizza for our dinner (using the supplies that I paid for myself) just so that Lois can complain that it’s “okay, but I don’t know why you had to dump so much salt on it…”

I explained to her that the kalamata olives are what makes it salty, but that I used them sparingly, and the pizza is actually very healthy.

Lois:  “You can explain that to the doctor after I’ve had my heart attack from all of this salt.”

Me:  “I can make you something else…”

Lois:  “No, no, I’ve lived long enough anyhow.  Have you fed Baby?”

Me: “Yes, I put food out on the patio for her.”

Lois:  “You didn’t put any of those thingamajigs in her food, did ya?”

Me:   “No, of course not.”

Lois:  “Are you sure? Because she’s too young for a heart attack.”

Me:  “Yes, I’m sure.  I just gave her soft food.”

Lois:  “You didn’t pour a bunch of salt all over it, did you?”

Me:  “Lois…why would I add salt to Baby’s cat food?”

Lois:  “I was just making sure.”

Me:   “There are no salty thingamajigs on Baby’s food.”

Lois:   “Maybe I should trade her then.”

Ugh.

The Leaky Pipe.

JoeI took Joe to the bathroom so that he could do a “stand up job”. I have to hold him up so that he doesn’t fall during the process, and when I didn’t hear anymore tinkle sounds I asked him if he was all finished.

Joe:  “It seems like it’s done draining, as far as I can tell…”

About the time he finished his sentence, I heard some more tinkle sounds.

Joe:  “Whoops!  Looks like we’ve got a leaky pipe!”

The Bathroom Expert.

JoeI love it when I am trying to help Joe in the bathroom, and I say, “Alright Joe, I’m going to help you pull your pants down now…”

Joe:   “What the hell are you gonna pull my pants down for?”

Me:  “Because you’ve kinda gotta pull your pants down before you sit on the toilet…”

Joe:  “What are you…some kind of expert or something?!”

Me:   “I guess so, yes.”

Joe:   “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that you’re going to help me take my penis out and point it in the right direction.”

Me:  “Actually, you’re on your own with that one.”

Joe:  “You’re not such an expert anymore are ya?”

Me:   “Nope, that is most definitely NOT my area of expertise.”

The Eagle.

JoeJoe’s brother, Bart, was here visiting earlier today.  When he was on his way out the door, he looked at me, cracked up and said, “are you an eagle or something?”  I just giggled and shrugged my shoulders.  I was totally baffled by his comment, but I wasn’t offended because I’ve certainly been called worse.

It took me a good hour before I realized that I was wearing an American Eagle t-shirt that said “EAGLE” in bold letters right across the front.

Bart – 1
Me – 0

Tiger? What Tiger?

imagesToday I watched “Life of Pi” with Joe (who slept through the entire thing) and Dot (who only slept through part of it).  Before I start any movie I always give Joe and Dot a brief summary of what it is going to be about.  I described “Life of Pi” as being about a shipwrecked teenager who has to figure out how to survive on a lifeboat with a tiger.  Joe and Dot thought that it sounded pretty interesting, so we went with it.

When the movie was over, I asked Dot what she thought:

Dot:  “Well, it was okay…but I was waiting to see the tiger.”

Me:  “You didn’t notice the tiger?”

Dot:  “No, I didn’t notice it.  Which scene was it in?”

Me:  “The tiger is pretty much in every scene.”

Dot:  “Oh well.  I guess you put the wrong movie in huh?”

Me:  “Bummer.  I guess I did.”

(I didn’t.)

A little while later she asked, “What did the tiger look like?”

Me:  “It’s a large orange cat with black stripes…”

Dot:  “OH!  THAT was the tiger?!  I thought that was an elephant.”

Me:  “Nope.  It was a tiger.”

Dot:  “It looked an awful lot like an elephant though didn’t it…?”

Me:  “Um…not really.  It pretty much looked exactly like a tiger.”

Dot laughed:  “I guess you should wear your glasses next time huh?”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess I should.”

(I don’t wear glasses.)

Dog Food for Supper.

joe_dotIt was extremely hot yesterday, so Dot suggested that I make something “cool” for supper.  When I looked in the refrigerator, I noticed that there were three large pieces of steak that were leftover from the BBQ that Dot attended with her daughters the night before, so I decided to make steak salad for supper.

Once I got both Joe and Dot seated at the dinner table, I poured each of them a glass of wine, and then I set their plates in front of them.  I had made fresh ranch dressing, so I poured a bit of it onto Joe’s salad, and he started digging in.  I notice that Dot was just sort of staring at her plate with a bewildered expression for a moment, but soon enough she was chowing down as well.

After we had all cleaned our plates, and I had served Joe and Dot their brownies and ice cream for dessert, Dot asked me where I got the steak.

Me:  “The steak was wrapped up in tin foil in the fridge.  It was your leftovers from the BBQ last night.”

Dot:  “Oh, I was wondering where it came from!  Now I remember…Julie (Joe and Dot’s oldest daughter) didn’t eat all of her steak, so she sent it home with me so that I could feed it to the dog!”

Me:  “Well I did feed the dog the scraps that were leftover.”

Dot:  “Oh well, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t tell Julie…”

Me:  “Don’t tell Julie that I fed you guys dog food for supper?”

Dot:  “Yes, don’t tell her that.”

Joe:  “We had WHAT for supper?!?!”

 

Suit Yourself.

Lois the FinI got Lois all set up at the table for dinner this evening before I finished unloading the groceries from my car.  When I returned to the kitchen to join Lois for a meal a few minutes later, I made a startling discovery.  Lois was sitting at the kitchen table, happily drinking her strawberry milkshake…in the nude.

Me:  “Um…Lois?”

Lois:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Where are your clothes?”

Lois:  “I took ’em off.”

Me:  “I see that.  Where did you put your clothes?”

Lois:  “I got too hot so I took them all off and threw them out the window.”

I looked out the window, and sure enough, there were Lois’ clothes scattered all over the place.  The best part was her bra was hanging off of the hedge that separates her house from her neighbor’s house.

Lois:  “Are you going to join me for dinner?”

Me:  “I’m actually not very hungry at the moment.  I think I’ll wait a while.”

Lois:  “You’re probably just too hot.  You can take your clothes off too if you want.”

Me:  “That’s okay, I’d prefer to keep my clothes on.”

Lois said, “Suit yourself” before she dove back into her cheeseburger.

Crop-Dusting.

joe_dotDot suddenly shot up from the couch in the middle of her favorite celebrity gossip show “Extra“, and she hobbled her way toward the bathroom.  As Dot marched past Joe and I, an incredibly loud and continuous burst of gas bellowed out behind her.  Even so, she did not seem amused when Joe called out, “Hurry Dot…Hurry!”

Once Dot was in the bathroom, Joe turned to me and said, “That there is what happens when you grow up on a farm…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What do you mean?”

Joe:  “Well see…Dot grew up on a farm, and that’s why she knows the importance of crop-dusting.

I laughed:  “You noticed that huh?”

Joe laughed:  “Hard not to notice when she goes breezing past ya like that without so much as a how-do-ya-do.”

Me:  “It’s probably best not to mention it to Dot though, okay?  I’m pretty sure that she thinks that we didn’t notice.”

Joe:  “Oh I’m not gonna say anything to her about it!  She may have crop-dusted the place, but she’s STILL a lady!”

The Neighborhood Marsupial.

Lois the FinI’m taking care of Lois tonight, and as usual she spent a solid hour calling for her cat, Baby, before bed.  This time Baby actually came into the house and circled around Lois’s legs, meowing and purring, and Lois talked to her and fed her and everything.

As I was tucking Lois into bed, I told her that I was so happy that she got to love on Baby for a while.  Lois looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I never saw Baby tonight!”

Me:  “You actually pet Baby and fed her and talked to her for about 15 minutes tonight, Lois.”

Lois:  “Oh no, you’re mistaken.  Baby got eaten up by wolves this morning.”

Me: “Well that’s too bad.  Who were you loving on in the kitchen earlier then…?”

Lois:  “Oh that was the neighborhood marsupial.”

Me:   “Marsupial?”

Lois:  “Yeah, you know, the skunk!”

Me:  “I didn’t realize that there was an official neighborhood skunk…”

Lois laughed:  “You probably just mistook him for a cat.  Don’t feel bad; it happens to everybody.”

Nuns.

imagesI watched “Sister Act” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, or I guess I should say that I watched it while both Joe and Dot enjoyed their daily head-bobbing naps in their chairs.

During one of the infamous choir scenes, Joe woke up, his eyes got big and he said, “My god, that’s A HELLUVA LOT of Nuns!”

Me: “Yep, it’s a-whole-lotta-nuns all right.”

Later in the movie, Joe woke up during a scene where Whoopi Goldberg was out of her nun costume and wearing an enormous, 80’s, afro-wig.

Joe said, “Do you think that lady knows that a giant yak up and died on her head?”

Me: “If not, I’m sure she’ll figure it out soon enough.”

Joe: “Once it gets too heavy for her neck to hold it up she’ll put it back out to pasture.”

Me: “I’m sure you’re right about that, Joe.”