Dot was asking me about my diet this morning because she’s impressed with the results that I’ve achieved so far. I explained to her that I’m not allowed to eat carbohydrates. She had a puzzled look on her face so I said that I just don’t eat any sugar or flour; so no bread, rice, pasta or desserts for me.
Dot: “Well I think that I’d like to go on that diet with you.”
Dot probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, so I told her that she didn’t need to go on any diets.
Dot looked at Joe’s expanding belly: “Well then we should put Joe on that diet with you.”
Joe looked shocked: “ME?! I’m not going on any goddamned diet!”
Dot: “Well, you should go on a diet! Besides, this one sounds perfect for you…”
Joe: “The only way that any diet will be perfect for me is if I can eat as much ice cream and as many cookies that I want!”
Dot: “See? This will work out perfectly!”
I stopped their argument to interject: “Actually Dot, this diet is not perfect for either of you.”
Dot looked confused: “But I thought that you said that all you can eat is sugar and bread…?”
I laughed, “No it’s the opposite. The only thing that I CAN’T have is sugar and bread.”
Joe crossed his arms and gave Dot a look that said, “I told you so!”
Dot: “Well that just doesn’t seem right not being able to have desserts…”
Me: “I actually don’t know of any diets where desserts are permissible, Dot.” I thought back and suddenly remembered a joke from grade school, and with a straight face I said, “Well, except of course the Seafood Diet…”
Dot looked intrigued: “What do you get to eat on that diet? Just fish and shrimp and stuff?”
I winked at Joe: “Well it’s a simple diet. Basically how it works is when you SEE food, you get to EAT it!”
Joe busted out laughing at that point. “Ok, you’ve talked me into it. I’ll go on THAT diet!”
Dot laughed too: “Oh just never you mind about diets, Joe.”
Joe: “Yeah, but now I WANT to go on a diet.”
I laughed and said, “Well it’s pretty much the diet you’re already on, Joe.”
Joe: “Is that right?! Well all right then. That sounds alright.” Then he went back to reading his newspaper.