Connect the Dots…

Lois the FinThis has been one of the most difficult days with Lois that I’ve ever had.  Some days are just like that with folks who are suffering with dementia, and it’s sad.

At one point this afternoon, I escaped to the caregiver’s bedroom to take a breather from having to answer the SAME questions OVER and OVER and OVER again.  Of course she followed me into the bedroom, and just stood next to my bed glaring at me and scratching her butt with her hand down the back of her pants.

My patience was nearing an end when I said, “Lois.  Will you please not scratch your butt right next to my head at least?!”

Lois looked at me bewildered and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me:  “Lois, look at where your hand is right now.”

Lois pulled her hand out of her pants:   “It’s right here!”

Me:  “Okay, now look at where my head is.”

Lois looked confused for a moment, and then put her hand right back down her pants:  “I don’t see the connection.”

Welcome to my world.

Suit Yourself.

Lois the FinI got Lois all set up at the table for dinner this evening before I finished unloading the groceries from my car.  When I returned to the kitchen to join Lois for a meal a few minutes later, I made a startling discovery.  Lois was sitting at the kitchen table, happily drinking her strawberry milkshake…in the nude.

Me:  “Um…Lois?”

Lois:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Where are your clothes?”

Lois:  “I took ’em off.”

Me:  “I see that.  Where did you put your clothes?”

Lois:  “I got too hot so I took them all off and threw them out the window.”

I looked out the window, and sure enough, there were Lois’ clothes scattered all over the place.  The best part was her bra was hanging off of the hedge that separates her house from her neighbor’s house.

Lois:  “Are you going to join me for dinner?”

Me:  “I’m actually not very hungry at the moment.  I think I’ll wait a while.”

Lois:  “You’re probably just too hot.  You can take your clothes off too if you want.”

Me:  “That’s okay, I’d prefer to keep my clothes on.”

Lois said, “Suit yourself” before she dove back into her cheeseburger.

Meryl Streep.

UnknownI watched, “The Devil Wears Prada” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, once I was able to convince Dot that it was not actually about the Devil.The magic word was “Meryl Streep“.

Dot:  “Oh I’ll watch anything with Meryl Streep in it!  She’s wonderful!  I’m just surprised that she’d be in a movie about the devil, but if anyone can make a devil movie good,  it’s her!”

Me:  “It’s not about the devil at all, I promise.  It’s a comedy!”

Dot looked skeptical but she went with it.

When the movie ended I asked Dot what she thought about it (Joe slept through the entire thing).

Dot:  “All I know is that I’d never want to live in a big city because people just get run over by cars all the time!”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess that’s true…”  (I think there is one scene in the entire movie where someone gets hit by a car.)

Dot:  “And I’m sort of disappointed that Meryl Streep had such a small role.”

Me:  “Well actually, she was one of the main characters.”

Dot:  “She was?  Which one was she?”

Me:  “She was the mean boss with the silver hair.”

Dot:  “Ohhhhhh!  I was just so busy looking for the devil that I guess I must’ve missed her.  And what does Prada mean…?”

Me:  “Prada is a very expensive brand of clothing.  So….how can i explain this…?  The title of the movie refers to the lead actress’s temptation to trade her soul for wealth and fashion and it also is implying that Meryl Streep’s character is an evil temptress.  Does any of that make sense?”

Dot:  “So…Meryl Streep was the DEVIL?!”

Me:  “Um…sort of?”

Dot shrugged her shoulders and sighed:  “Boy I totally didn’t see that coming!”

The News.


Joe: “What are we watching?”

Dot: “The news.”

Joe: “Huh?”

Dot: “The NEWS!!”

Joe looked at the TV and then looked at me with a concerned expression.

Me: “What’s the matter Joe?”

Joe shrugged: “Well see here… Dot says we’re watching ‘the nudes’ but all those people have their clothes on.”

I tried not to laugh: “I see that…hmm must be the wrong channel, I guess?”

Joe’s eyes lit up: “Yeah…maybe we should turn it back!”

Penguins and Pajamas.

I was helping Lois get ready for bed last night and she suddenly let out the hugest sigh.

Me:  “Is something wrong, Lois?”

Lois:  “Well, I was just thinking that it might be time to move to Alaska.”

Me:  “Alaska?  Why Alaska?”

Lois:  “Well, I could just have someone drop me off there and I’ll just lay down in the snow.”

I laughed:  “Would you build yourself an igloo?”

Lois chuckled:  “Nope, I’d just lay there with all the penguins and be done with it.”

Me:  “Well, I guess that wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.”

Lois:  “Nope, it wouldn’t be bad at all.  I could just go to sleep and not have to worry about changing into pajamas night after night after night…”

Me:  “That’s pretty bad if you’d rather die than change into your pajamas.”

Lois:  “Wait til you’re my age.  Then you’ll understand.”

The Shrinking Jacket.

I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight; enough that people are beginning to notice and make comments which is always nice.  When I got to work this morning, Dot and Joe were sitting at the kitchen table finishing their breakfast.

Dot said, “Whoa somebody is looking smaller!”

I was thrilled with the compliment of course, so I told her that I was so excited because the jacket that I wearing (of course I modeled it for them) was way too small for me this time last year, and when I tried it on last week I was amazed because I could actually zip it up.  (I had never been able to zip it before; I always had to wear it open.)

Dot:  “Well that’s just great!  We are so proud of you, aren’t we Joe?”

Joe looked up from his coffee at me for a moment:  “Who are we proud of…?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of Whitney!”

Joe:  “Who’s Whitney?”

Dot pointed at me.  I smiled and waved.

Joe grinned back:  “What are we proud of HER for?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of her for being able to fit into her jacket!”

Joe looked at me:  “What happened?  Did your jacket shrink?”

I laughed and said:  “Nope, I’m the one who shrunk.”

Joe:  “Oh, well I was just wondering because there’s something funny going on around here with the dryer.  My shirts all seem to be shrinking!”  Joe pointed at his long sleeved t-shirt that was fitting very snug over his middle, “SEE?!”

Dot was about to say something to him (about how much ice cream he’s been eating I’m sure) and I interrupted her to say, “Well, I’ll be sure not to put my jacket in the dryer here then!”

Joe:  “Yeah, that’s probably smart.  You wouldn’t want it to go and shrink on you.”  He went on to mutter under his breath, “goddamned dryer” before he went back to reading his newspaper and drinking his coffee.



Skinny Jeans.

Dot often wears extremely bright, verging on neon colored, denim jeans that she mixes and matches her flowery shirts with.  She takes extra special care to hand wash these pants and hang them up to dry in the doorway of her bedroom.

A couple of weeks ago, I could hear Joe rummaging around downstairs in the middle of the night.  I looked at the clock and it said 1:15am and I had an “uh-oh” kind of premonition.  I got out of bed and turned the lights on so that I wouldn’t take a tumble.  When I was about halfway down the stairs, I saw this bright flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye.  I called out, “Joe?  Is that you…?”

Joe:  “I can’t get these damned pants to button!”

I rushed down the stairs quickly so that I could see what in the world he was talking about.  If only I could’ve taken a picture at that moment, so that you could see what was standing in front of me.

There was Joe, standing there in his white undershirt, work boots, and hat…and if that wasn’t strange enough, he had also somehow managed to cram his lower body into a pair of Dot’s bright yellow jeans!

They were skin tight and he looked like he was going to suffocate when he sucked in his belly to try to button them.  As I stood there mesmerized by the scene, he actually hopped not once, but twice, in order to get them buttoned and zipped successfully.  When he finally let himself breathe again, his belly puffed out to full capacity and pooched out like a basketball over his toothpick legs that were stuffed into neon yellow skinny jeans.  I couldn’t even help myself from laughing.

Me:  “Joe!  What in the world are you doing wearing a pair of Dot’s pants?”

Joe looked down at his neon yellow ensemble and then looked back up at me with a big grin:  “Are these Dot’s pants?”

Me:  “Yes, they’re definitely Dot’s pants!”

Joe:  “Well no wonder they’re so goddamned tight!”

Me:  “Yeah, no wonder!”

Joe cracked himself up and we laughed together for a bit.  Dot woke up momentarily and asked us what was so funny.

Me:  “Just take a look at Joe’s outfit, Dot.”

Dot peeked her eyes open just enough to look at Joe for a second and said, “Hey, those are MY pants!”

Joe giggled:  “Yeah, and you know what?  You can’t tell me that I can’t have ice cream anymore, Dot…”

Dot:  “Why is that?”

Joe put his hands on his waist, which only served to emphasize he protruding belly as he proudly announced, “If I can fit my ass into YOUR pants, then YOU’RE the one who shouldn’t be eating so much ice cream!”

Dot just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Joe:  “Well I told her, didn’t I…?”

I smiled at him:  “Yep, you sure did, now how about I help you get out of those uncomfortable jeans so that you can get some sleep huh?”

Joe looked at me and chuckled:  “Well you can go back to bed if you want, but I’m on my way to work!”

Realizing that this was quickly turning into a long night, I tried to reason with him:  “But Joe, you can’t go to work in Dot’s pants…”

Joe looked down at his legs again:  “Well why the hell not?  I’ll be a lot safer in these britches because they’re bright enough to stop traffic!”

He had a good point there…

Miracle Bra.

Joe and Dot just watched an entire half hour infomercial about the “Miracle Bra”.

I kept trying to explain to Dot that it was a whole show, but she was like, “No, it’s just a commercial…”

The explanation of an infomercial would have been lost at that moment, so I didn’t even try.

One thing’s for sure:  Joe wasn’t complaining!

Of course the whole point of the infomercial was to make every other bra look like the worst bra ever, so when they would bring out a new girl acting all uncomfortable in her bra with lop-sided boobs, Joe’s eyes would get big and he’d say things like:

“Uh-oh, there must be something wrong with that bra too!”

“Oh and there’s another one…”

“Boy, there sure are a lot of awful bras out there!”

Dorothy:  “Gosh, this is the longest commercial I’ve ever seen!”

The Damned Dryer.

This morning I was helping Joe get dressed and I picked out one of his western shirts with the snap buttons.

Once he was all dressed and ready to head out to breakfast, he let out a huge sneeze and six of his snaps came undone around his little pot belly.

He said, “Well would you look at that! My shirt must’ve shrunk.”

I laughed and helped him get all of his buttons snapped again and we headed out to breakfast.

During breakfast, he sneezed again and those same six snaps popped open.

Joe said, “For the love of God! What the hell’s wrong with my shirt!”

Dot said, “You’ve been eating too many sweets Joe.”

Joe said, “Well what the hell do sweets have to do with my shirt shrinking up in the damned dryer?!”

Dot just looked at me, shrugged, and went back to eating her raisin bran.

I finally convinced Joe to change his shirt after he flopped down on the couch and every single snap popped open on his shirt except for the one closest to his neck.

He shouted, “For God’s sake! I don’t know why, but this shirt’s too damned small!”

Dot started to say something and I told her that it wasn’t a good time.

Joe whispered to me, and knowing that Dot doesn’t hear very well, he said, “She’s gonna tell you to stop giving me ice cream…whatever you do, don’t listen to her!”