The Tree.

Joe got up from his chair and Dot asked him where he was going.

Joe snapped:  “None of your business!”

Dot rolled her eyes and looked at me:  “He’s in another one of his moods again…”

Joe:  “I’ll be in any mood I damned well want!”

Me:  “Are you headed to the bathroom, Joe?  Follow me, I’ll show you where to go…”

Joe:  “I don’t need YOU to show me where the god-damned bathroom is!  I built this house with my own two hands [actually he hired someone to build the house, but he did help design it] so I oughta know where to take a leak!”

Me:  “Ok Joe, just go ahead.  Let me know if you change your mind…”

Joe wandered off through the kitchen, and I followed quietly behind him.  He opened the coat closet door, then he opened the front door to the house.

Joe said to himself:  “Oh hell somebody moved the bathroom again!  I guess I’ll just go behind a tree…”

Me:  “Hey wait Joe, it looks like they moved the bathroom over here…”

Joe looked at me and then looked in the direction that I was pointing:  “Those bastards.”

Me:  “I know.  I don’t know why they keep moving it around.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Here, let me help you into the bathroom…”

Joe hesitated:  “Well okay…It’s better than going behind a damned tree.  But will you do me a favor and tell those idiots to stop moving the bathroom all over place for god’s sake??”

Me:  “I will.  I’ll have a talk with them today.”

Joe:  “Either that or tell them to move a tree into the house…”

The Evil Cap.

Joe was looking at the photos on the refrigerator while I was cooking dinner tonight. He reached for one of the pictures so that he could get a closer look at it, and two of the magnets that were holding it up fell on the floor. When Joe bent down to pick up the magnets he lost his balance, and without any warning he fell down and landed with a huge THUD.

I rushed over to him and said, “Oh no, Joe! Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself??”

I was so relieved to hear him giggling as he picked himself up off of the floor. “Holy smokes! I fell down!”

I said, “I know! Are you hurt?”

Joe: “No, no, I’m fine.  I landed right on my ass and there’s enough padding there.”

I helped Joe get back to his feet, and once he was standing again he said, “My hat knocked me over!”

Me: “Your hat?”

Joe took his ball cap off of his head and handed it to me. “Feel how heavy this damned cap is!”

I took his hat and examined it. “It just feels like a normal ball cap to me.”

Joe: “Oh no. That hat is HEAVY! It can knock a grown man right on his ass!”

Me: “I guess we’d better get rid of the hat then, huh?”

I took his hat and put it in the coat closet. “Is that better?”

Joe: “Yes. We will all be much safer now.”