The Right Stuff.

imagesJoe is pretty much confined to either his bed or his wheelchair these days, and he’s not happy about it!  Last night, he told me that he had to “take a leak” so I got his portable urinal ready for him.

Joe:  “What the hell is that thing?”

Me:  “It’s a urinal.”

Joe:  “Well, what am I supposed to do with it?”

Me:  “Well…you urinate in it.”

Joe:  “Urinate?”

Me:  “Yeah, you know, take a leak…”

Joe:  “Oh!  Oh yeah, that makes sense.  I don’t really need something fancy like this though.  Next time you could just bring me a coffee cup or something.”

Me:  “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind for next time…”

I helped him to get all situated, and then Dot came in the room.

Joe grinned:  “Well I guess I’ve got an audience now!”

Dot:  “We won’t look at you.  When I was in the nursing home, they tried to have me use a bed pan and then everyone just stood there and stared at me.  How are you supposed to go when people are staring at you?”

Joe:  “You didn’t use one of THESE things, Dot.”

Dot:  “Well, it was sort of like that…”

Joe laughed:  “Well no wonder you couldn’t go!  You don’t have the right stuff.”

Dot:  “The right stuff?”

Joe:  “Yeah, you know, the right equipment…to get the job done.”

Dot laughed:  “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

Joe giggled:  “And I oughta know…”

Dot:  “Huh?  What’d you say, Joe?”

Joe winked at me and smiled:  “Nothin.”

The Shrinking Jacket.

I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight; enough that people are beginning to notice and make comments which is always nice.  When I got to work this morning, Dot and Joe were sitting at the kitchen table finishing their breakfast.

Dot said, “Whoa somebody is looking smaller!”

I was thrilled with the compliment of course, so I told her that I was so excited because the jacket that I wearing (of course I modeled it for them) was way too small for me this time last year, and when I tried it on last week I was amazed because I could actually zip it up.  (I had never been able to zip it before; I always had to wear it open.)

Dot:  “Well that’s just great!  We are so proud of you, aren’t we Joe?”

Joe looked up from his coffee at me for a moment:  “Who are we proud of…?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of Whitney!”

Joe:  “Who’s Whitney?”

Dot pointed at me.  I smiled and waved.

Joe grinned back:  “What are we proud of HER for?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of her for being able to fit into her jacket!”

Joe looked at me:  “What happened?  Did your jacket shrink?”

I laughed and said:  “Nope, I’m the one who shrunk.”

Joe:  “Oh, well I was just wondering because there’s something funny going on around here with the dryer.  My shirts all seem to be shrinking!”  Joe pointed at his long sleeved t-shirt that was fitting very snug over his middle, “SEE?!”

Dot was about to say something to him (about how much ice cream he’s been eating I’m sure) and I interrupted her to say, “Well, I’ll be sure not to put my jacket in the dryer here then!”

Joe:  “Yeah, that’s probably smart.  You wouldn’t want it to go and shrink on you.”  He went on to mutter under his breath, “goddamned dryer” before he went back to reading his newspaper and drinking his coffee.

 

 

Spaceship.

Joe needs a lot of proof today that he is, in fact, in his own home. So I showed him the large, framed wedding photo of he and Dot.

Joe: “Well you could’ve just made a copy of that and hung it in here pretty easy…”

I helped him to get dressed then and took him outside to show him the address on his mailbox.

Joe: “Well, that’s my address all right, but this sure as hell isn’t my house!”

I pointed out that his family name was actually hanging from a hook above the front door.

Joe: “What the hell are those folks doing putting MY name on the WRONG house?!”

I was starting to run out of ideas, so I just redirected him back into the kitchen where Dot, and his breakfast, were waiting for him.

Joe walked through the door and he was very surprised to see Dot sitting there.

Joe: “Hi Dot! Where’d you come from?!”

Dot: “Good morning, Joe.”

I finally convinced Joe to sit down and start eating his breakfast.

Joe said, with a mouthful of Cheerios, “What I just can’t figure out is, if this is my house, the house that I built with my own two hands…why can’t I recognize it?!”

Dot: “Oh Joe, just eat your breakfast!”

Joe was getting frustrated: “Can someone at least tell me how the HELL I got here?!”

I laughed and said, “Well I’m not sure what to tell you, Joe. Maybe you dreamed that a spaceship dropped you off here!”

Joe just about fell out of his chair laughing: “Oh no, it was nothing that extravagant! Bart must’ve dropped me off in his Chevy.”

I poured him a hot cup of coffee and that’s when he noticed his favorite mug.

Joe chuckled: “Well, this MUST be my house because my NAME is on my coffee cup!”

Why didn’t I think of that?!

Brain Freeze

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I took Joe and Dot to town this morning so that we could run a few errands, and on the way home we drove through Dutch Brother’s Coffee for a caffeine fix. I asked Dot if she wanted anything and she said, “No, we don’t want anything.”

Joe said, “Hey, speak for yourself! I want something.”

I ordered my usual: iced sugar free Caramelizer, half as sweet, and I ordered Joe a Caramelizer freeze (which may actually be the best drink on the planet).

Joe said, “Whoa…that sounds fancy!”

Me: “Oh, it is fancy, just you wait…”

Joe grinned.

When they handed me the drinks through the window, Dot said, “Wow! That looks good!”

Joe snapped, “It’s mine! You said you didn’t want anything.”

Dot rolled her eyes.

I smiled at Joe and said, “You could share…”

Joe looked at me like I was crazy, grinned and shook his head: “Nope.”

I warned Joe: “Now don’t drink it too fast or you will get brain freeze…”

Joe’s eyes got big: “This drink is powerful enough to freeze my brain?!”

Me: “Well yeah, sort of, but only if you drink it too fast.”

Joe: “Oh, ok.”

Joe took a sip and said, “This is GOOD! Too bad you didn’t order one, huh Dot?”

Dot chose to ignore his comment and looked out the window.

Thirty seconds later, Joe started coughing and holding his head, and when I looked over at him I saw that he had already sucked down his entire frozen drink in one long, satisfying gulp.

Me: “Oh no, Joe! You went and froze your brain didn’t you?”

Joe: “Well bye-golly I think I did!”

Dot laughed: “That’s what you get for not sharing…”

Joe looked at her with a big grin and said, “Well my brain already thawed out, so it was worth it.”