The Runaway.

Lois the FinLois tried to “run away” in the middle of the night, using her bedside commode as a walker.  She didn’t get very far, since she could not figure out how to unlock the door.

Me:  “Where are you going, Lois?”

Lois:   “I’m gettin’ the hell out of here is where I’m goin!”

Me:   “You’re not going to get very far carrying your commode.   It’s really heavy.”

Lois:  “The WHAT?!”

Me:  “You’re trying to use your toilet as a walker, and it’s too heavy for you to push around.”

Lois:  “I just figured that I might need to use the toilet while I’m walking to Sylvia’s house.”(Sylvia is Lois’s long deceased sister.)

Me:  “How about we visit Sylvia tomorrow when there’s daylight, and you can be sure to use the bathroom before we go?”

Lois:  “Well, I’ll think about it.”

Then right there by the front door, Lois decided to use her commode.  As she was sitting on the pot, she smiled at me and said, “Boy, these portable toilets sure are handy!”

Me: “Yep, they sure are.”

Spelling Bee.

joe_dotI could hear Dot in the bedroom asking Joe, “What’s that girl’s name?”

Joe:  “What girl?”

Dot:  “The girl who was just in here taking care of you.  What was her name?”

Joe:  “There wasn’t any girl in here taking care of me.”

Dot:  “I think I remember, her name starts with a W…”

I could tell that this conversation was going nowhere since it was the short-term memory equivalent of the “blind leading the blind” so I started to walk to the bedroom.  I was already entering the room when Dot shouted my name at the top of her lungs.

Dot:  “WHITNEY!!!”

She scared me half to death and Joe cracked up when he saw me jump (Dot had her back to me).

Me:  “I’m right here, Dot.”

Dot turned around:  “Oh yeah…um…now I forgot why I was calling you in here.”

We all sat in silence for a couple of minutes while Dot tried to collect her thoughts.

Dot:  “Oh yeah, now I remember.  Joe needs to S-H-I-T.”

Joe:  “What are you spelling, Dot?  Are you trying to keep secrets from me?”

Dot:  “I’m not keeping any secrets.  I was only telling Whitney what you told me that you have to do.”

Joe:  “You told her that I have to take a shit?  Why do you have to go and tell people about it?”

I tried not to laugh:  “Hi Joe, I’m just going to help you get on your commode okay?”

Joe:  “My what?”

Dot:  “YOUR COMMODE!”

Joe looked totally confused, so I clarified:  “Your toilet.”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, okay then.  What do I need to get on the toilet for?”

Dot:  “So that you can S-H-I-T.”

Joe:  “Why the hell do you keep spelling everything?!”

Dot:  “Because I don’t like to swear.”

Joe looked at me and grinned:  “She’s a good Catholic girl.”

Me:  “Yes, she is.”

Dot looked very proud.

Joe:  “Well, I guess I’d better go to the bathroom and take a shit…”

Me:  “Thank you for being so specific, Joe.”

Joe grinned:  “You’re welcome.”