JoeJoe and Dot ate the last of the crab that their son brought home from the Oregon Coast for lunch today.  When lunch was over, Dot told Joe to go wash his hands.

Joe:  “I don’t need to wash ’em.  They’re already clean!”

Dot:  “How could they be clean?  They have crab juice all over them!”

Joe:  “I washed them already.”

Dot:  “No you didn’t!  I was sitting right here.  I would know if you went to the sink and washed your hands.”

Joe:  “I didn’t go to the sink.”

Dot:  “I know you didn’t!  You need to go wash your hands at the sink now.  Go!”

Joe:  “I don’t need to go to the sink.  I washed my hands already.”

Dot:  “Oh yeah?  What’d you wash them with?”

Joe:  “I licked my fingers.”

Dot:  “You can’t just lick your fingers.  That’s not the same as washing them in the sink.”

Joe held up his hands:  “Look at my hands.  Do they look dirty to you?”

Dot:  “They don’t have to LOOK dirty to BE dirty.”

Joe cracked up:  “Shows how much you know.”

Dot:  “I know plenty about it.”

Joe:  “Okay then, it’s all settled.”

Dot:  “Yep, it will be all settled once you go to the sink and wash your hands!”

Joe:  “I don’t need to wash my hands.  I already licked ’em!”

Alcohol Content.

JoeWhile we were sitting at the table eating lunch today, I was telling Joe and Dot about meeting my friend Faith at Portland’s Bridgeport Brewery on Saturday for dinner.  Their son had brought them home some fresh crab from the Oregon Coast so Joe and Dot were both busy using a wrench to break open their crab legs while I was telling my story.

Me:  “They had the BEST beer there too!  It was called ‘Stumptown Tart’ and it’s a beer brewed with raspberries, blackberries and blueberries.”

Joe:  “What the hell is this?!”

Dot:  “It’s crab.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “Okay.”

Dot:  “Did the beer taste like fruit?”

Me:  “Well kind of.  I mean, I could taste the fruit but it wasn’t a sweet beer.”

Joe:  “Is this a rock?  Why are there rocks on my plate?!”

Dot:  “It’s not a rock.  It’s a crab.  It’s good.  Eat it.”

Joe:  “Oh crab, okay then.”

Dot:  “I’ve never had a fruity beer.”

Me:  “Oh it’s good, I’m sure you’d love it.”

Dot:  “We usually drink beer with our crab.”

Me:  “I think you’ve got some beer downstairs, would you like me to get one for you two to share?”

Dot:  “No, not now.  Maybe with dinner.”

Joe:  “Are we having rocks for dinner too?!”

Dot:  “No, we’re having beer.  And that’s not a ROCK!  It’s a crab.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, crab…”

Me:  “So yeah, it was pretty much the best beer I’ve ever had.”

Joe looked at me:  “What’s the alcohol content in it?”

Me:  “Alcohol content?  Oh, I think it was 7 percent or so.”

Joe:  “So like a beer then.”

Me:  “Yep, exactly like a beer.”

Joe:  “It’s easier to get drunk off of beer if you like the taste of it.”

Me:  “That’s very true, Joe.”

Joe:  “I mean, you can get drunk off of regular beer too, but it’s more fun to get drunk off of beer that tastes good.”

Dot:  “Joe!  Eat your crab.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, crab…”


156156_10151211092605862_32259767_nYou know that movie where Billy Bob Thornton plays that guy who growls, “MmmmHmmm” all the time?  Sling Blade I think it’s called.  Well, I swear to you that Lois sounds just like him when she gets really into a conversation.  It cracks me up so bad when she does it.

For instance, after dinner the other night we began to talk about the different kinds of foods that people eat around the world.  Lois loves to ask me questions about all of the places that I’ve traveled, so I told her a few stories about the cuisine in Thailand and Nepal, and to make the conversation even more interesting, I asked her if she’s ever heard of Andrew Zimmern.  Of course she’d never heard of him, so I began to tell her about how he has this show where all he does is travel all over the world and eat the craziest foods that he can find.

Me:  “I saw this one episode where he went into this candy store, but it wasn’t regular candy, it was like candied bugs and stuff.  Like, chocolate covered grasshoppers and cinnamon cockroaches…”

Lois:  “MmmHmm.”

Me:  “And I saw this other episode where he was eating rotten tofu…”

Lois:  “MmmHmm.”

Then out of the blue she asked:  “Does he ever eat crabs?”

Me:  “Well, yeah he eats crab.  But crab isn’t exactly a strange food…”

Lois suddenly got very serious:  “Didn’t your mom ever tell you about CRAB?!”

I was a bit started at her change in volume:  “No, I can’t say that she ever did…”

Lois:  “Well just think about it!  If somebody dies and ends up in the water somehow, their bodies just float to the bottom of the sea and then those crabs crawl all over them and EAT THEIR GUTS OUT!”

That was not at all what I was expecting to hear, so I just looked at her; totally shocked.

Lois nodded her head:  “MmmmHmm.”

Me:  “Wow…well, I guess I’d never actually thought of that…”

Lois:  “So when you eat crab, you’re actually eating PEOPLE!”

Me:  “So if people eat crab then they’re almost like….”

Lois:  “Cannibals.  MmmHmm.”

Me:  “Wow.  I have to say, I may never eat crabs again!”

Lois crossed her arms:  “MmmHmm.”

Later in the day, Lois got to talking about all of the blackberry bushes in her backyard.  She told me that she used to make cobblers and pies, but now that she’s gotten older she doesn’t bother with them anymore.

Lois:  “Well see, I’d be afraid that I might go back there to pick berries and then…well what if I fell down?!”

Me:  “Yeah, that wouldn’t be good if you fell down back there.”

Lois:  “No one would even hear me all the way back there!  And I’d get all tangled up in the blackberry bushes…”

Me:  “And you know the worst part?”

Lois was intrigued.

Me:  “Well see, you could fall down back there, and then you would get all tangled up in the blackberries, and then a bunch of crabs could come along…”

Lois just about died laughing.

Me:  “…and then they would…EAT YOUR GUTS OUT!”

Lois just about fell out of her chair at that point.  After we’d laughed about it for a few minutes she got all serious again.

Lois:  “And that is why it is too dangerous for me to pick those blackberries out there in my backyard.”

Me:  “I see.”

Lois:  “MmmHmm.”