Salty Thingamajigs.

Lois the FinNothing like spending an hour putting together healthy Greek chicken pizza for our dinner (using the supplies that I paid for myself) just so that Lois can complain that it’s “okay, but I don’t know why you had to dump so much salt on it…”

I explained to her that the kalamata olives are what makes it salty, but that I used them sparingly, and the pizza is actually very healthy.

Lois:  “You can explain that to the doctor after I’ve had my heart attack from all of this salt.”

Me:  “I can make you something else…”

Lois:  “No, no, I’ve lived long enough anyhow.  Have you fed Baby?”

Me: “Yes, I put food out on the patio for her.”

Lois:  “You didn’t put any of those thingamajigs in her food, did ya?”

Me:   “No, of course not.”

Lois:  “Are you sure? Because she’s too young for a heart attack.”

Me:  “Yes, I’m sure.  I just gave her soft food.”

Lois:  “You didn’t pour a bunch of salt all over it, did you?”

Me:  “Lois…why would I add salt to Baby’s cat food?”

Lois:  “I was just making sure.”

Me:   “There are no salty thingamajigs on Baby’s food.”

Lois:   “Maybe I should trade her then.”


Dog Food for Supper.

joe_dotIt was extremely hot yesterday, so Dot suggested that I make something “cool” for supper.  When I looked in the refrigerator, I noticed that there were three large pieces of steak that were leftover from the BBQ that Dot attended with her daughters the night before, so I decided to make steak salad for supper.

Once I got both Joe and Dot seated at the dinner table, I poured each of them a glass of wine, and then I set their plates in front of them.  I had made fresh ranch dressing, so I poured a bit of it onto Joe’s salad, and he started digging in.  I notice that Dot was just sort of staring at her plate with a bewildered expression for a moment, but soon enough she was chowing down as well.

After we had all cleaned our plates, and I had served Joe and Dot their brownies and ice cream for dessert, Dot asked me where I got the steak.

Me:  “The steak was wrapped up in tin foil in the fridge.  It was your leftovers from the BBQ last night.”

Dot:  “Oh, I was wondering where it came from!  Now I remember…Julie (Joe and Dot’s oldest daughter) didn’t eat all of her steak, so she sent it home with me so that I could feed it to the dog!”

Me:  “Well I did feed the dog the scraps that were leftover.”

Dot:  “Oh well, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t tell Julie…”

Me:  “Don’t tell Julie that I fed you guys dog food for supper?”

Dot:  “Yes, don’t tell her that.”

Joe:  “We had WHAT for supper?!?!”


Watch Me.

joe_dotWe had a late lunch today, so I planned to make dinner for Joe and Dot an hour later than usual.  While I was in the kitchen cooking, I heard the following conversation:

Joe:  “Well, I guess we’d better head out…”

Dot:  “Where do you wanna go?”

Joe:  “To the bank.”

Dot:  “What do you need to go to the bank for?”

Joe:  “We’ll need to get money if we’re gonna go out to eat.”

Dot:  “The Girl is in there cooking right now.”

Joe:  “What Girl?”

Dot:  “The Girl who takes care of us.  She’s cooking dinner and she said it would be ready in 15 minutes.”

Joe:  “Oh god, I don’t think I’ll make it ’til then!”

Dot:  “What do you mean, you don’t think you’ll make it?”

Joe:  “I might starve!”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, you’re not going to starve.”

Joe:  “I am too!  Watch me.”

Hollow Leg.

JoeAfter dinner tonight, I asked Joe if he’d had enough to eat.

Joe:  “Well…I don’t know…”

Dot:  “Oh you’ve had enough!  You ate all of your chicken and stuffing and salad and a big brownie.  You couldn’t possibly still be hungry!”

Joe:  “Well I don’t remember doing any of that.”

Dot:  “Well you did do that.”

Joe:  “Did you have enough to eat Dot?”

Dot:  “Yes!  I’m stuffed!”

Joe:  “Well I’m not sure what went wrong.  I could still eat something.”

Me:  “Wow Joe, you really must have a hollow leg tonight!”

Joe looked concerned:  “Oh god I hope not!  That sounds dangerous!”

Chinese Food.

JoeI decided to make some fried rice and orange chicken for dinner tonight.  I wasn’t sure how it would go over with Joe, but I knew that Dot would love it.

Dot:  “Oh boy!  What a treat!  Is this Chinese food??”

Me:  “Yep, it is.  I thought it’d be nice to have something different.”

Joe:  “Chinese?  What’s Chinese?”

Dot:  “Your dinner.  It’s Chinese food.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “It came all the way from China?”

Dot:  “Do you think that Whitney went all the way to China to get our dinner?”

Joe laughed:  “Well if she did she was sure quick!”

Me:  “It’s just the name for this style of food.”

Joe:  “Oh okay.”

Dot:  “Do you like it Joe?  It’s good, isn’t it?!”

Joe:  “I don’t know.  I haven’t even tried it yet.”

Dot:  “So try it!”

Joe:  “I’m getting’ to it.  I never ate this kind of fancy food before…”

Dot:  “Oh you have too!  We’ve gone out to Chinese restaurants before.”

Joe:  “I ain’t never been to China.  I know that for a fact!”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Me:  “Hey Joe, it’s really not all that fancy.  It’s just rice and chicken.”

Joe:  “Oh, is that what it is?!  Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Me:  “Well I guess I should’ve just said that in the first place, huh?”

Joe:  “One thing that I’ve learned in my life is that there’s no point in puttin’ fancy names on things.  I mean, for instance, shit is shit.  There’s really no way to fancy it up.”

Me:  “You are exactly right, Joe.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Apparently Dot didn’t hear a word we said when she asked, “How do you like your Chinese food, Joe?”

Joe:  “What’s Chinese about my food…?”

Chocolate Pudding.

Dot has been saying that no one makes their own pudding anymore, and she insists that the kind that you mix up yourself is so much better than the kind in the “tiny” containers at the grocery store, so I decided to whip up some do-it-yourself chocolate pudding last night for dessert.

If I had known how excited Joe and Dot would be when I put a big bowl of chocolate pudding in front of each of them, I would have started making pudding a long time ago!  You would’ve thought it was Christmas morning if you could have seen the looks on their faces when I put a dollop of whipped cream on the top.  They both grabbed their spoons and dove right it.

Dot:  “Isn’t this the BEST PUDDING YOU’VE EVER HAD, Joe?”

When Joe looked up at her, his mouth and chin were covered in chocolate pudding.

Joe shrugged:  “Yeah, it’s alright.”

Dot:  “Did you make this yourself?”

I nodded.

Dot:  “I just can’t even believe that people are too lazy to even make their own pudding these days, because it’s SO MUCH better this way!”

Me:  “I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”

Dot noticed that I wasn’t eating any pudding, so she said, “Aren’t you going to have any?”

Me:  “No, I cheated on my diet during Thanksgiving, so now I’m back on track and trying to be good, so I’d better not.”

Dot shook her head:  “Well that’s just no way to live.”

Joe looked up at me with big eyes and a chocolate-covered face:  “You can’t have pudding after Thanksgiving?  Is that kind of like how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day…?”

I laughed:  “Yeah, something like that Joe.”

Pork Chop.

Joe’s wife, Dot, has moved back home and she bosses him around like nobody’s business (bosses me around too).

I had to listen to them argue for 10 minutes over whether or not Joe was taking his evening pills at dinner.

She’d say, “Joe, take your pills!”

And he’d spear a bite of his pork chop with his fork and say, “I am taking them!”

Dot:  “Those aren’t your pills – that’s a pork chop!”

Joe:  “A what?!”

Dot:  “A PORK CHOP!”

Joe:  “Oh.”

Dot:  “So take your pills!”

Joe:  “I AM!!”

Dot:  “Those aren’t your PILLS! That’s a PORK CHOP!”

Joe:  “Oh.”

Dot:  “So take your pills!”

Joe:  “I AM!”

Finally she shoved his pills in front of him and said, “Take THESE!”

Joe looked at them and said, “Oh ok, why didn’t you just say so…?”

Tater Tot Casserole.

I made tater tot casserole for dinner tonight and it was a big hit.  Dot acted like I was the best cook in the entire land, and I told her that it was a really simple recipe.  Dot asked Joe if he liked the casserole.

Joe:  “What casserole?”

Dot:  “The casserole that’s on your plate.  Do you like it?  It’s good isn’t it?”

Joe:  “Well I ate all of it, didn’t I?”

Dot:  “I’m just asking you if you like it.  It wouldn’t kill you to give a compliment once in a while…”

Joe:  “It’s a compliment that I sat here and cleaned my plate.”

Dot thought about it for a second:  “I guess that’s true.  Do you want a cookie?”

Joe:  “Sure, I’ll take a cookie.”

I gave each of them a cookie.  Dot ate her cookie and left the table to go watch the news in the living room.  Joe just sat there looking at me.

Me:  “What’s new Joe?”

Joe:  “I don’t know…nothin’.”

Me:  “Did you get enough to eat?”

Joe:  “Not really…”

Me:  “Would you like more casserole?”

Joe:  “What casserole?  That stuff with the taters on it?”

Me:  “Yep, that.”

Joe:  “No, I’m full of that…”

I got him another cookie:  “Will this help?”

Joe grinned:  “Yep.  That’s more like it.”

Joe and Dot’s daughter, Shelly, drove here to take Dot to church tonight, and when she walked into the kitchen she said, “Ooohhh.  You guys had tater tot casserole for dinner!  Wow, that brings back a lot of memories…”

Me:  “You’ve had tater tot casserole before?  Your mom said she’s never had it…”

Shelly grinned:  “Mom made that casserole at least once a week when I was growing up.”

Me:  “Well no wonder they both loved it so much.”

Shelly:  “Oh yeah.  It’s one of their favorites.”

Joe:  “What are you ladies talking about?”

Shelly:  “That casserole that Mom used to make when I was growing up.  You had it for dinner tonight…”

Joe:  “Oh yeah.  Well anyway, the cookies are better.”


While making conversation with Joe and Dot tonight at dinner, I told them that my little cousin was elected Prom Queen.

They seemed impressed, so I had to add to my bragging rights to tell them that my nieces, Claire and Dana, and my nephew, Todd, were all nominated to be in their Royalty Courts as well.

Everyone went back to eating their dinner in silence, so I figured that the conversation was over.

Until Joe said: “Isn’t there a rule that says that you’re supposed to have sex on prom night?”

Dot and I both just about choked on our Rice-a-Roni.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing so I asked, “What’s that you said, Joe?”

Joe: “I was saying that most folks have SEX on PROM NIGHT!”

Dot: “No they don’t!”

Joe: “Yeah they do. It’s a rule.”

Dot: “Whose rule?”

Joe: “I don’t remember, but I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible or something.”

Dot: “Joe!”

Joe added sheepishly: “Well, I’m just saying…”

Dot: “So who was your date to the prom, Joe?”

Joe: “It was you, wasn’t it?”

Dot: Silence.

Joe: “Weren’t you my date, Dot?”

Dot glared at him.

Joe grinned at me and then looked down at his plate: “Whoops.”