I took Dot to her hearing aid appointment today because they are still trying to adjust it to the right volume for her.  First it was too loud, now it’s too quiet.  Of course Joe came along as well, and he was just full of piss and vinegar today.

Joe:  “Where are we going, Dot?”

Dot:  “To the doctor.”

Joe:  “Why?  What’s wrong with you?”

Dot:  “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I just need the lady to fix my hearing aid.”

Joe:  “You’ve got a hearing aid?  When did that happen?”

Dot:  “A few weeks ago.  You’ve been to the last two appointments with me.”

Joe:  “I have?  But there’s nothing wrong with my hearing, Dot.”

Dot:  “You came with ME to MY appointment.”

Joe mumbled:  “Well you don’t have to shout at me Dot.  I’m not deaf like you.”

Dot:  “Huh?”

Joe laughed and winked at me:  “Exactly.”

Once we got to the doctor’s office, the hearing aid doctor had Joe sit in the room near Dot, and I chose to stand near the doorway so that no one could escape.  The doctor got everything set up on the computer and hooked Dot’s hearing aid up to it so that she could see the volume levels on the screen.

Joe started to say something and Dot said, “You SHUSH now!  She’s working!”

Joe closed his mouth real quick and chuckled at me.

When the doctor asked Dot what the problems were with her hearing aid, Dot said that she has a really hard time hearing Joe because he talks so quietly.  The doctor said, “Well good, since we have your husband in the room with us, we have ourselves a live guinea pig…”

Joe:  “Guinea pig?  Well I don’t know about that…”

The doctor smiled:  “It’s just an expression.”

Joe grinned:  “Oh.  Well that’s alright then.”

The doctor fiddled with some stuff on the computer and then softly said, “Sally sells seashells by the seashore.”

Doctor:  “Did you hear that, Dot?”

Joe:  “Yeah, I heard it…”

Dot:  “Shush now, she’s not talking to you!  Yeah I kinda heard it, but it wasn’t very clear…”

The doctor fiddled with the computer a bit more and then asked me to say something to Dot.

Me:  “Nice weather we’re having today, huh Dot?”

Dot:  “Yep.  I heard that.”

Joe said loudly, while he relaxed in his chair and crossed his legs:  “Well the sun’s shinin’ so I can’t complain!”

Dot rolled her eyes and the doctor and I smiled at each other.

Doctor:  Okay, Joe.  Now I want you to say something to Dot.”

Joe:  “Ok (giggles) well…what should I say?”

Dot:  “I kinda heard that…”

Joe looked kind of nervous to be put on the spot so the doctor asked him a couple of questions:

Doctor:  “What did you have for breakfast today, Joe?”

Joe giggled:  “I can’t remember…”

Doctor:  “Okay, um…Do you have any pets?”

Joe:  “Well let’s see.  I’m not entirely sure, but I think I might have a dog…”

Doctor:  “Dot, could you hear any of that?”

Dot:  “Well, I could read his lips pretty well, but I didn’t hear much.”

Doctor:  “Can I get you to talk again, Joe?”

Joe giggled nervously.  I looked at the doctor and said, “Can I help a bit?”  She looked relieved and nodded her head.

Me:  “Hey Joe, what was that thing that you learned in school?  That phrase that you had to type over and over again in typewriting class…?

Joe beamed with pride when he recited:  “Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country!”

Dot:  “I heard that!”

Doctor:  “Good!  Great job, Joe!”

Joe chuckled:  “Well at least I was good for somethin’!  Aren’t you glad you brought me along now, Dot?”

Dot rolled her eyes and reminded him:  “Shush now!”

Joe was defiant:  “Well I was only doing what the doctor asked me to!”

Dot:  “Yeah, but now your part is done.”

Joe:  “Well she wasn’t clear about that part…”

The doctor quickly changed the subject.

Doctor:  “Okay, Dot, now I’m going to adjust the levels for what you hear, when you hear yourself speak.  So I need you to talk for me…”

Dot giggled nervously.

Doctor:  “Who is the President of the United States?”

Dot beamed:  “The President of the United States is Barack Obama.”  Dot looked at the doctor and told her, “That kind of sounds kind of like I’m in a wind tunnel…”

The doctor fiddled around again:  “Okay, now tell me what year we’re living in…?”

Dot:  “We are living in the year 2012.”  Dot smiled that time and added, “There, that’s better I think…”

Joe:  “Hey that’s just not fair!”

Doctor:  “What’s not fair, Joe?”

Joe:  “You asked Dot all of the easy questions, and you asked me the hard ones.  That’s just plain not fair at all…”

Doctor:  “Okay, Joe.  Who is the President of the United States?”

Joe almost jumped out of seat with excitement when he answered:  “CEREAL!!”

The Pocket Knife Cure.

Joe’s brother, Bert and Bert’s wife, Mildred, stopped by for a visit the other day.  When they walked in, I noticed that Bert had some kind of a boil or goiter or something on the side of his face but I didn’t say anything.  Joe was napping in his chair when they arrived and just kind of woke up off and on during their visit.

I told Bert that I could definitely see a family resemblance between he and Joe and Bert said, “Yeah, but we all know who’s the handsomer of the two…”

Joe didn’t even open his eyes when he said, “Yeah…ME.”

I asked our guests if I could get them anything, like coffee or tea, or something sweet…

Bert perked up right away:  “Got any ice cream?”  I smiled and said, “Now I DEFINITELY see a family resemblance.”

Everyone laughed.

We had a really nice visit, and before they left Bert nudged Joe to wake him up to say goodbye.  “Bye Joe.”

Joe:  “Yeah, bye Bert.”  Joe opened his eyes for a minute and said, “What the HELL is that thing on your face!”

Bert looked kind of self conscious for a second, “I’m not sure what it is.  I guess I’d better go see a doctor…”

Joe:  “You don’t need no doctor!  Just use your pocket knife to hack it off!”

Bert:  “Already tried that.”

Joe:  “Well you’d better try again cuz that thing’s gonna scare some folks.”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, leave him alone…”

Joe:  “I’m just sayin’…It’s not making you any prettier, that’s for damned sure!”

Bert chuckled:  “Thanks Joe.  I’ll keep that in mind.”

As I walked our guests to the door I told Bert, “You really should see a doctor.”

Bert just winked at me and said, “I’m going next week.  Can’t let Joe have a leg up on me in the looks department…”