Tiger? What Tiger?

imagesToday I watched “Life of Pi” with Joe (who slept through the entire thing) and Dot (who only slept through part of it).  Before I start any movie I always give Joe and Dot a brief summary of what it is going to be about.  I described “Life of Pi” as being about a shipwrecked teenager who has to figure out how to survive on a lifeboat with a tiger.  Joe and Dot thought that it sounded pretty interesting, so we went with it.

When the movie was over, I asked Dot what she thought:

Dot:  “Well, it was okay…but I was waiting to see the tiger.”

Me:  “You didn’t notice the tiger?”

Dot:  “No, I didn’t notice it.  Which scene was it in?”

Me:  “The tiger is pretty much in every scene.”

Dot:  “Oh well.  I guess you put the wrong movie in huh?”

Me:  “Bummer.  I guess I did.”

(I didn’t.)

A little while later she asked, “What did the tiger look like?”

Me:  “It’s a large orange cat with black stripes…”

Dot:  “OH!  THAT was the tiger?!  I thought that was an elephant.”

Me:  “Nope.  It was a tiger.”

Dot:  “It looked an awful lot like an elephant though didn’t it…?”

Me:  “Um…not really.  It pretty much looked exactly like a tiger.”

Dot laughed:  “I guess you should wear your glasses next time huh?”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess I should.”

(I don’t wear glasses.)

Dog Food for Supper.

joe_dotIt was extremely hot yesterday, so Dot suggested that I make something “cool” for supper.  When I looked in the refrigerator, I noticed that there were three large pieces of steak that were leftover from the BBQ that Dot attended with her daughters the night before, so I decided to make steak salad for supper.

Once I got both Joe and Dot seated at the dinner table, I poured each of them a glass of wine, and then I set their plates in front of them.  I had made fresh ranch dressing, so I poured a bit of it onto Joe’s salad, and he started digging in.  I notice that Dot was just sort of staring at her plate with a bewildered expression for a moment, but soon enough she was chowing down as well.

After we had all cleaned our plates, and I had served Joe and Dot their brownies and ice cream for dessert, Dot asked me where I got the steak.

Me:  “The steak was wrapped up in tin foil in the fridge.  It was your leftovers from the BBQ last night.”

Dot:  “Oh, I was wondering where it came from!  Now I remember…Julie (Joe and Dot’s oldest daughter) didn’t eat all of her steak, so she sent it home with me so that I could feed it to the dog!”

Me:  “Well I did feed the dog the scraps that were leftover.”

Dot:  “Oh well, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t tell Julie…”

Me:  “Don’t tell Julie that I fed you guys dog food for supper?”

Dot:  “Yes, don’t tell her that.”

Joe:  “We had WHAT for supper?!?!”

 

Suit Yourself.

Lois the FinI got Lois all set up at the table for dinner this evening before I finished unloading the groceries from my car.  When I returned to the kitchen to join Lois for a meal a few minutes later, I made a startling discovery.  Lois was sitting at the kitchen table, happily drinking her strawberry milkshake…in the nude.

Me:  “Um…Lois?”

Lois:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Where are your clothes?”

Lois:  “I took ’em off.”

Me:  “I see that.  Where did you put your clothes?”

Lois:  “I got too hot so I took them all off and threw them out the window.”

I looked out the window, and sure enough, there were Lois’ clothes scattered all over the place.  The best part was her bra was hanging off of the hedge that separates her house from her neighbor’s house.

Lois:  “Are you going to join me for dinner?”

Me:  “I’m actually not very hungry at the moment.  I think I’ll wait a while.”

Lois:  “You’re probably just too hot.  You can take your clothes off too if you want.”

Me:  “That’s okay, I’d prefer to keep my clothes on.”

Lois said, “Suit yourself” before she dove back into her cheeseburger.

The Neighborhood Marsupial.

Lois the FinI’m taking care of Lois tonight, and as usual she spent a solid hour calling for her cat, Baby, before bed.  This time Baby actually came into the house and circled around Lois’s legs, meowing and purring, and Lois talked to her and fed her and everything.

As I was tucking Lois into bed, I told her that I was so happy that she got to love on Baby for a while.  Lois looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I never saw Baby tonight!”

Me:  “You actually pet Baby and fed her and talked to her for about 15 minutes tonight, Lois.”

Lois:  “Oh no, you’re mistaken.  Baby got eaten up by wolves this morning.”

Me: “Well that’s too bad.  Who were you loving on in the kitchen earlier then…?”

Lois:  “Oh that was the neighborhood marsupial.”

Me:   “Marsupial?”

Lois:  “Yeah, you know, the skunk!”

Me:  “I didn’t realize that there was an official neighborhood skunk…”

Lois laughed:  “You probably just mistook him for a cat.  Don’t feel bad; it happens to everybody.”

Nuns.

imagesI watched “Sister Act” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, or I guess I should say that I watched it while both Joe and Dot enjoyed their daily head-bobbing naps in their chairs.

During one of the infamous choir scenes, Joe woke up, his eyes got big and he said, “My god, that’s A HELLUVA LOT of Nuns!”

Me: “Yep, it’s a-whole-lotta-nuns all right.”

Later in the movie, Joe woke up during a scene where Whoopi Goldberg was out of her nun costume and wearing an enormous, 80’s, afro-wig.

Joe said, “Do you think that lady knows that a giant yak up and died on her head?”

Me: “If not, I’m sure she’ll figure it out soon enough.”

Joe: “Once it gets too heavy for her neck to hold it up she’ll put it back out to pasture.”

Me: “I’m sure you’re right about that, Joe.”

Horse Pedicures.

JoeJoe:  “What the hell happened to your toenails?”

Me:  “They’re painted.”

Joe:  “You mean to tell me that you did that to yourself, on purpose?!”

Me:  “Actually, I paid someone to paint them for me.”

Joe: “Oh Hogwash!  Next time you want to get your toes that color just go out to any old farm and let the horses stomp on your feet!  That’d get the job done a whole lot cheaper.”

Me: “Thanks Joe, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Awkward.

JoeThe worst time for a client to have a lucid moment is when you are giving them a bed bath, and while you are washing their private parts (with gloves and a wash cloth of course) they look at you suspiciously and say, “Ummm…excuse me?  What are you doing…?”  This happened this morning with Joe, and when I explained to him that I was getting him cleaned up and ready for the day he did not appear convinced.

Guardian Angel.

JoePoor Joe just looks terrible today.  He had a bad fall last night that put him in the ER for stitches on the bridge of his nose, and the right side of his face is very swollen and bruised (see previous post).

When I woke him up for his bed bath this morning, I was curious to see if he had any memory of his fall so I said, “Whoa Joe, what happened to your face?”

Joe looked really serious:  “Some idiot ran a stop sign!”

Me:  “That’s terrible!  So…you were in a car accident?”

Joe:  “Yes I was, but I wasn’t driving.  The dumbass who was driving MY car just about got us killed!  I sure as hell won’t be riding with THAT GUY ever again!”

Me:  “I don’t blame you!  That sounds pretty rough.”

Joe got teared up:  “But thank God the kids are okay…”

Me:  “Oh yeah, the kids are just fine.  You did a good job making sure that they had their seat belts on.  You’re a good Dad, Joe.”

Joe’s bottom lip trembled:  “I’m so happy about that.  We were very lucky.”

I patted him on the shoulder:  “Yes you were very lucky.  Everyone is going to be okay, Joe.  Your face is bruised up pretty good, but soon enough you’ll be good as new.  You must have had an angel looking after you huh?”

Joe grinned:  “Yes I did.  I really did!”

The Other Guy.

JoeAs a caregiver, there is nothing worse than when a client falls and hurts themselves on your watch.  Yesterday evening, while I was taking dinner out of the oven and Dot was making a phone call, Joe got up from his recliner on his own and somehow ended up falling face first on the bricks around the fireplace.  Of all of the places that Joe could fall in the entire house; this was by far the worst!

The poor guy got a cut on his nose from the bridge of his glasses, as well as a nasty shiner under his right eye.  I called 911 immediately, and they determined that they needed to take him to the ER because he needed some X-rays and a few stitches on his nose.  Interestingly enough, when the paramedics were asking Joe questions to determine whether or not he may have had a concussion, Joe was answering each question with complete clarity.  It was as if having his brain jarred on the brick floor momentarily knocked out the dementia.  He told them his full name, where he lives, his address, the day of the week, everything!

When the paramedics asked him how he ended up on the floor, Joe said, “It was the darndest thing!  One minute I was standing and the next minute I was belly-up on the concrete.”

Paramedic:  “Where do you hurt?”

Joe:  “Well, let’s see…  My nose is bleeding like a stuck pig for one thing, and being that I can’t open my eye, I’m guessing that I have a pretty nasty shiner…”

Paramedic:  “Yeah, you’re pretty banged up all right.”

Joe chuckled:  “You should see the other guy!”