The Baseball Bat Compliment.

joe_dotAnyone who has seen Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore‘s “50 First Dates” will remember the scene where Henry (Adam Sandler) gets his best Hawaiian friend, Ula (played by Rob Schneider) to pretend to be mugging him on the side of the road in order to get Lucy’s (Drew Barrymore) attention.

Lucy not only pulls her car over to rescue Henry, but she actually takes a baseball bat out of the backseat of her car and proceeds to beat the living shit out of poor Ula.  It’s hilarious!

Joe was napping in his recliner, but he woke up during that scene and he and Dot howled with laughter.

Joe:  “That must be a pretty weak bat.”

Me:  “Why do you say that, Joe?”

Joe:  “Well that pretty lady just beat that guy to hell and back with that baseball bat and he was still able to run away.”

Dot:  “It’s just a movie Joe.  It’s pretend.  The bat was probably made out of plastic or something.”

Joe looked serious:  “Pretend or not, getting beat up with a baseball bat like that would turn a man into a pile of raw hamburger real quick.”

Me:  “That’s true Joe.”

Joe:  “There wouldn’t be no getting up from that!”

Me:  “Nope, there sure wouldn’t be.”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Joe:  “Only a pretty blonde could get away with beating a man to his death like that.”

Me:  “Why is that Joe?”

Joe had a sparkle in his eye:  “Because at least he’d have something pretty to look at.  That wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.”

Joe thought about it for a minute before he grinned real big, looked at Dot and said, “Now don’t go gettin’ any ideas about whacking me with that can of yours…”

Dot smiled:  “Is that your way of telling me that I’m pretty?”

Joe chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.

Dot grinned:  “Well that’s about the best compliment that you’ve given me in a long time, Joe.”

Joe turned to look at me and whispered, “Seems I may have said something right.  Maybe she’ll let me in her bedroom later…”

I whispered back:  “Maybe so, Joe.”

Dot craned her neck:  “What’d he say?”

Me:  “He said that lady on TV doesn’t hold a candle to you, Dot.”

Dot smiled from ear to ear and reached over to hold his hand:  “Well you’re just full of charm today, aren’t you Joe?”

Joe beamed with pride and chuckled shyly.

As soon as Dot wasn’t looking, I gave Joe a “thumb’s up” sign and he winked back at me.

All in a day’s work.

The News.

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Joe: “What are we watching?”

Dot: “The news.”

Joe: “Huh?”

Dot: “The NEWS!!”

Joe looked at the TV and then looked at me with a concerned expression.

Me: “What’s the matter Joe?”

Joe shrugged: “Well see here… Dot says we’re watching ‘the nudes’ but all those people have their clothes on.”

I tried not to laugh: “I see that…hmm must be the wrong channel, I guess?”

Joe’s eyes lit up: “Yeah…maybe we should turn it back!”

The Seafood Diet.

Dot was asking me about my diet this morning because she’s impressed with the results that I’ve achieved so far.  I explained to her that I’m not allowed to eat carbohydrates.  She had a puzzled look on her face so I said that I just don’t eat any sugar or flour; so no bread, rice, pasta or desserts for me.

Dot:  “Well I think that I’d like to go on that diet with you.”

Dot probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, so I told her that she didn’t need to go on any diets.

Dot looked at Joe’s expanding belly:  “Well then we should put Joe on that diet with you.”

Joe looked shocked:  “ME?!  I’m not going on any goddamned diet!”

Dot:  “Well, you should go on a diet!  Besides, this one sounds perfect for you…”

Joe:  “The only way that any diet will be perfect for me is if I can eat as much ice cream and as many cookies that I want!”

Dot:  “See?  This will work out perfectly!”

I stopped their argument to interject:  “Actually Dot, this diet is not perfect for either of you.”

Dot looked confused:  “But I thought that you said that all you can eat is sugar and bread…?”

I laughed, “No it’s the opposite.  The only thing that I CAN’T have is sugar and bread.”

Joe crossed his arms and gave Dot a look that said, “I told you so!”

Dot:  “Well that just doesn’t seem right not being able to have desserts…”

Me:  “I actually don’t know of any diets where desserts are permissible, Dot.”  I thought back and suddenly remembered a joke from grade school, and with a straight face I said, “Well, except of course the Seafood Diet…”

Dot looked intrigued:  “What do you get to eat on that diet?  Just fish and shrimp and stuff?”

I winked at Joe:  “Well it’s a simple diet.  Basically how it works is when you SEE food, you get to EAT it!”

Joe busted out laughing at that point.  “Ok, you’ve talked me into it.  I’ll go on THAT diet!”

Dot laughed too:  “Oh just never you mind about diets, Joe.”

Joe:  “Yeah, but now I WANT to go on a diet.”

I laughed and said, “Well it’s pretty much the diet you’re already on, Joe.”

Joe:  “Is that right?!  Well all right then.  That sounds alright.”  Then he went back to reading his newspaper.

 

 

 

 

The Shrinking Jacket.

I’ve recently lost a bunch of weight; enough that people are beginning to notice and make comments which is always nice.  When I got to work this morning, Dot and Joe were sitting at the kitchen table finishing their breakfast.

Dot said, “Whoa somebody is looking smaller!”

I was thrilled with the compliment of course, so I told her that I was so excited because the jacket that I wearing (of course I modeled it for them) was way too small for me this time last year, and when I tried it on last week I was amazed because I could actually zip it up.  (I had never been able to zip it before; I always had to wear it open.)

Dot:  “Well that’s just great!  We are so proud of you, aren’t we Joe?”

Joe looked up from his coffee at me for a moment:  “Who are we proud of…?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of Whitney!”

Joe:  “Who’s Whitney?”

Dot pointed at me.  I smiled and waved.

Joe grinned back:  “What are we proud of HER for?”

Dot:  “We’re proud of her for being able to fit into her jacket!”

Joe looked at me:  “What happened?  Did your jacket shrink?”

I laughed and said:  “Nope, I’m the one who shrunk.”

Joe:  “Oh, well I was just wondering because there’s something funny going on around here with the dryer.  My shirts all seem to be shrinking!”  Joe pointed at his long sleeved t-shirt that was fitting very snug over his middle, “SEE?!”

Dot was about to say something to him (about how much ice cream he’s been eating I’m sure) and I interrupted her to say, “Well, I’ll be sure not to put my jacket in the dryer here then!”

Joe:  “Yeah, that’s probably smart.  You wouldn’t want it to go and shrink on you.”  He went on to mutter under his breath, “goddamned dryer” before he went back to reading his newspaper and drinking his coffee.

 

 

Lois's Cake Theory.

When I came back to the house after church this morning, Lois was waiting for me at the door.

Lois:  “Did they serve refreshments at your church today?”

Me:  “Yep, they always offer coffee and treats after the service.”

Lois gave me a sly grin:  “Did they serve Devil’s Food or Angel’s Food cake?”

I grinned back at her because I could tell that she’d been waiting all morning to lay this joke on me:  “Nope, I don’t think so…”

Lois:  “Oh that’s too bad, cuz you can tell a lot about a person by which of those cakes is their favorite!”

Me:  “Is that so?  Which one is your favorite then?”

Lois:  “Well don’t be silly, Devil’s Food of course!”

I laughed:  “And what does that say about you?”

Lois thought about it really seriously for a minute:  “It says that I love chocolate.”

Me:  “Is that all?”

Lois looked confused, like she was forgetting something:  “Yep, I think that about sums it up…”

I tried to help her remember her joke by giving her a hint:  “Nothing about devils or angels or heaven or hell?”

Lois looked at me like I was crazy:  “Well don’t be silly!  It’s only cake!”

Emmy Speech.

I totally impressed Lois with my athletic ability this afternoon.  She was trying to pick up her slice of pizza with her fork, and somehow managed to instead use her fork as a launching device.

I heard her say, “Oh no!” and before my brain could even comprehend what was happening, both of my hands shot up in the air to catch the flying pizza.  The look on Lois’s face was priceless.  We looked at each other, looked at the rescued pizza, and then cracked up laughing.

Lois:  “That was really amazing!”

Me:  “I know!  We couldn’t have planned that out better if we tried!”

Lois looked at me with great admiration:  “I mean, WOW!  You were so fast!”

I felt like I was making an acceptance speech for an Emmy at that point:  “Well, I’ve been told that I have pretty good hand/eye coordination.  Plus, pizza is my favorite food so, I’m not sure if my act of heroism had to do more with reflexes or my love of pepperoni…”

Lois:  “Well, I think that you should at least try out for a sports team because that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!”

Me:  “Well thank you, Lois, I’ll keep that in mind…”

With that, we both went back to happily eating our lunch.

Skinny Jeans.

Dot often wears extremely bright, verging on neon colored, denim jeans that she mixes and matches her flowery shirts with.  She takes extra special care to hand wash these pants and hang them up to dry in the doorway of her bedroom.

A couple of weeks ago, I could hear Joe rummaging around downstairs in the middle of the night.  I looked at the clock and it said 1:15am and I had an “uh-oh” kind of premonition.  I got out of bed and turned the lights on so that I wouldn’t take a tumble.  When I was about halfway down the stairs, I saw this bright flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye.  I called out, “Joe?  Is that you…?”

Joe:  “I can’t get these damned pants to button!”

I rushed down the stairs quickly so that I could see what in the world he was talking about.  If only I could’ve taken a picture at that moment, so that you could see what was standing in front of me.

There was Joe, standing there in his white undershirt, work boots, and hat…and if that wasn’t strange enough, he had also somehow managed to cram his lower body into a pair of Dot’s bright yellow jeans!

They were skin tight and he looked like he was going to suffocate when he sucked in his belly to try to button them.  As I stood there mesmerized by the scene, he actually hopped not once, but twice, in order to get them buttoned and zipped successfully.  When he finally let himself breathe again, his belly puffed out to full capacity and pooched out like a basketball over his toothpick legs that were stuffed into neon yellow skinny jeans.  I couldn’t even help myself from laughing.

Me:  “Joe!  What in the world are you doing wearing a pair of Dot’s pants?”

Joe looked down at his neon yellow ensemble and then looked back up at me with a big grin:  “Are these Dot’s pants?”

Me:  “Yes, they’re definitely Dot’s pants!”

Joe:  “Well no wonder they’re so goddamned tight!”

Me:  “Yeah, no wonder!”

Joe cracked himself up and we laughed together for a bit.  Dot woke up momentarily and asked us what was so funny.

Me:  “Just take a look at Joe’s outfit, Dot.”

Dot peeked her eyes open just enough to look at Joe for a second and said, “Hey, those are MY pants!”

Joe giggled:  “Yeah, and you know what?  You can’t tell me that I can’t have ice cream anymore, Dot…”

Dot:  “Why is that?”

Joe put his hands on his waist, which only served to emphasize he protruding belly as he proudly announced, “If I can fit my ass into YOUR pants, then YOU’RE the one who shouldn’t be eating so much ice cream!”

Dot just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Joe:  “Well I told her, didn’t I…?”

I smiled at him:  “Yep, you sure did, now how about I help you get out of those uncomfortable jeans so that you can get some sleep huh?”

Joe looked at me and chuckled:  “Well you can go back to bed if you want, but I’m on my way to work!”

Realizing that this was quickly turning into a long night, I tried to reason with him:  “But Joe, you can’t go to work in Dot’s pants…”

Joe looked down at his legs again:  “Well why the hell not?  I’ll be a lot safer in these britches because they’re bright enough to stop traffic!”

He had a good point there…

Squirrels.

Lois and I were watching the news the other night (well, I was watching and Lois was only listening because she’s blind) and the subject of gay marriage came up.

During the commercial Lois said, “Humans are funny, funny critters…”

Me:  “What do you mean, Lois?”

Lois:  “Well, I mean, for instance – animals could give a rat’s ass if girls married girls and boys married boys, so long as everyone shares their food!”

Me:  “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right about that.”

To prove her point even further, Lois added, “Take squirrels for example.  They wouldn’t care if their squirrel neighbors were attracted to the other same-sex squirrels.  So long as everyone shares their nuts!”

I couldn’t help but laugh:  “You might want to come up with a better example than squirrels…”

Lois:  “Why?  Squirrels are the perfect example!”

Me:  “Well…I mean, maybe you should think of an animal that eats something besides nuts…”

Lois thought about it for a minute and then just howled with laughter.

Lois:  “Well, all I was trying to say is that humans are funny critters…whether they share their nuts or not!”

Spaceship.

Joe needs a lot of proof today that he is, in fact, in his own home. So I showed him the large, framed wedding photo of he and Dot.

Joe: “Well you could’ve just made a copy of that and hung it in here pretty easy…”

I helped him to get dressed then and took him outside to show him the address on his mailbox.

Joe: “Well, that’s my address all right, but this sure as hell isn’t my house!”

I pointed out that his family name was actually hanging from a hook above the front door.

Joe: “What the hell are those folks doing putting MY name on the WRONG house?!”

I was starting to run out of ideas, so I just redirected him back into the kitchen where Dot, and his breakfast, were waiting for him.

Joe walked through the door and he was very surprised to see Dot sitting there.

Joe: “Hi Dot! Where’d you come from?!”

Dot: “Good morning, Joe.”

I finally convinced Joe to sit down and start eating his breakfast.

Joe said, with a mouthful of Cheerios, “What I just can’t figure out is, if this is my house, the house that I built with my own two hands…why can’t I recognize it?!”

Dot: “Oh Joe, just eat your breakfast!”

Joe was getting frustrated: “Can someone at least tell me how the HELL I got here?!”

I laughed and said, “Well I’m not sure what to tell you, Joe. Maybe you dreamed that a spaceship dropped you off here!”

Joe just about fell out of his chair laughing: “Oh no, it was nothing that extravagant! Bart must’ve dropped me off in his Chevy.”

I poured him a hot cup of coffee and that’s when he noticed his favorite mug.

Joe chuckled: “Well, this MUST be my house because my NAME is on my coffee cup!”

Why didn’t I think of that?!

Heart Melter.

When I woke Joe up this morning he was feeling very confused.

Me: “Good morning, Joe. It’s time for breakfast!”

Joe just about shot out of bed: “Oh, thank God you’re here! I’m lost!”

I gave him a big smile: “You’re not lost Joe. You’re at home, safe and cozy in your warm bed.”

Joe looked up at me with the sweetest grin: “You know what? I don’t even know your name, and I don’t have a clue where I am right now, but there’s something about your smile that makes me feel right at home.”