My new favorite thing is going through the car wash with Joe.
Joe: “What the hell is this fandangled contraption all about?!”
Me: “It’s a car washing machine.”
Dorothy sits in the backseat when we go through the noisy car wash, and since she can only hear out of one ear, she is completely oblivious to Joe’s running commentary.
Joe: “Why the hell did someone make a machine to wash cars?! Is there something wrong with a bucket of soapy water, a hose, and a wash rag?”
Me: “Well this is just faster. And easier.”
Joe: “Oh hell, it doesn’t seem any faster and easier if you ask me!”
I rolled the window down to hand over 5 bucks to the guy running the car wash.
Joe: “What’d you give that guy money for?”
Me: “To pay him for the car wash.”
Joe: “What the hell?! You gotta pay to go through this goddamned thing?”
I didn’t respond, and instead just focused on rolling up the window, lining up the tires onto the tracks, and putting the car in neutral so that we could get started.
When Joe noticed that I had taken my hand off of the steering wheel but the car was still moving, he reached his arms all over the place trying to find something to hold onto for safety. He finally settled on having both hands clutching his seat belt strap.
Me: “It’s okay Joe, just relax. We’re letting the machine do the work.”
By that time, we had gone through the first part of the wash, where it sprays the car down with water and then covers it in soap. As soon as Joe saw the ropey looking things that start scrubbing down the car; that’s when the running commentary began.
Joe’s eyes were huge: “Oh. My. God. We are getting closer to that…THING! IT’S PULLING US IN!”
Me: “It’s okay, it’s just material that is going to get the car all clean.”
Joe: “The hell it is!! That’s going to rub the paint right off of my car!”
Me: “No, it’s really gentle. It won’t rub off the paint.”
Joe looked at me: “You show me two cars. Put them side by side; one that goes through this fandangled mess, and one that just gets washed by hand, and I will show you how much worse off that car is than the other.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll do that.”
Joe: “Oh my lord, just look at that. We’re sitting in here and just letting this thing ruin my car. Whoever built this thing should be shot.”
Me: “That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?”
Joe: “It’s not harsh enough, in my opinion.”
Me: “Okay, look Joe, we’re almost finished. We’re going through the dryer now.”
Joe: “What do you mean ‘dryer’? My car can’t stand too much heat. It could melt!”
Me: “It’s not that hot.”
Joe: “Do you want to go out there and stand in it?”
Me: “Well, no…”
Joe folded his arms: “Well okay then.”
When we finally got through the machine and all of the wheels were on dry land, I looked to see Joe completely craning his neck to look back at the car wash.
Me: “We’re all finished now, Joe.”
Joe: “Do we have to get out and walk back through it now?”
I laughed: “Walk through the car wash?”
Joe: “Yeah, let’s get out so we can walk through it now.”
Me: “No, Joe. We’re not going to get out and walk through it.”
Joe: “But, how else am I going to take a shower?”
Dot: “What is he talking about up there?”
Me: “Joe’s asking if he can get out and walk through the carwash to take a shower.”
Dot laughed: “Sure, go ahead!”
Joe reached for the door handle. I stopped him by saying, “You already had your shower today, Joe.”
Joe: “I did?”
Me: “Yep. You did.”
Joe: “Okay then, if you say so. We’d better get the hell out of here now, before that thing chases us down and swallows us!”
Dot: “What’s he saying?”
Me: “He’s worried that the carwash is going to swallow us.”
Dot shook her head and smiled: “What an adventure, huh Joe?”
Joe: “Something like that. We’re all alive anyhow.”
Me: “Yep, we’re all alive.”
Joe: “Remind me never to go through one of those goddamned things ever again.”
Me: “Okay, I will.”