Wyatt Marsh.

JoeWe were watching “Ellen” this afternoon when Joe said: “That fella reminds me of Wyatt Marsh.”

Dot: “Huh?”

Joe: “Doesn’t that guy on the tube remind you of Wyatt Marsh?”

Doe: “That guy there?”

Joe: “Yes, that guy right there.”

Dot: “Nooooooooo.”

Joe: “Why not?”

Dot: “Because that is a black man!”

Joe: “So?”

Dot: “So Wyatt Marsh is white.”

Joe: “He is?”

Dot: “Yes.”

Joe shook his head and chuckled: “Well Hell, you learn something new everyday!”

The News.

images

Joe: “What are we watching?”

Dot: “The news.”

Joe: “Huh?”

Dot: “The NEWS!!”

Joe looked at the TV and then looked at me with a concerned expression.

Me: “What’s the matter Joe?”

Joe shrugged: “Well see here… Dot says we’re watching ‘the nudes’ but all those people have their clothes on.”

I tried not to laugh: “I see that…hmm must be the wrong channel, I guess?”

Joe’s eyes lit up: “Yeah…maybe we should turn it back!”

Pedal to the Metal.

Joe was having a moment of clarity this afternoon, so I asked him if he would tell me how he and Dot first met.  Dot was sitting next to him on the couch.

Joe:  “We went to school together, didn’t we?”

Dot:  “No, we met at a dance.”

Joe:  “At the school?”

Dot:  “Well yeah, but at my school.  The boys from your school came to our dance.  I went to an all girl’s school.”

Joe laughed:  “Oh yeah, now I remember.  There were so many girls there!”

Dot:  “And out of all of those girls, you decided to ask me to dance.”

Joe:  “Well, either that or you’re the only girl who said ‘yes’.”

Dot:  “No, no.  You only asked me.  I know cuz I was watching.”

Joe:  “You were watching me?  What were you watching me for?”

Dot:  “Because I thought you were kinda cute…”

Joe burst out laughing.

Me:  “I think you just made Joe a little shy.”

Joe:  “Not me!  I’m not shy.”

Dot:  “Oh and tell Whitney about when we had our first date.”

Joe:  “Which one?”

Dot:  “There’s only one, FIRST date, Joe.”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right.  I must’ve lost count.”

Dot:  “Well my sister brought her date along so that we could have a double date, because that’s the only way that my parents would let us go out with boys.  My sister and her date drove behind us, and Joe let me drive his car…”

Joe:  “I remember that!  That was a bad idea letting you drive, Dot.”

Dot:  “It wasn’t my fault that the gas pedal got stuck!”

Me:  “Wait…What happened?”

Dot:  “Well I was driving pretty fast, because I must’ve been trying to show off or something, and the next thing I knew, the gas pedal was stuck!  And I couldn’t get the car to stop!”

Joe laughed:  “Yup, I remember that.”

Me:  “So what did you do?”

Dot:  “Well, my sister and her date were driving behind us, and they said that they could see sparks coming out from under the car and everything!  I didn’t know what to do.  But lucky for me, Joe was there.”  She reached over and patted his leg then.

Joe:  “Yeah, lucky for you.  Not so lucky for me!  You darn near crashed my car!”

Dot:  “We didn’t crash.  You told me to turn the engine off and just focus on keeping the car on the road.  Eventually the car slowed down.  And do you remember the best part of the story, Joe?”

Joe looked confused:  “Better than you almost wrecking my car…?”

Dot:  “Do you remember where the car finally came to a stop?”

Joe:  “On the side of the road somewhere I guess…”

Dot:  “It stopped RIGHT in front of Mildred Johnson’s house.”

Joe:  “Who’s Mildred Johnson?”

Dot:  “Your ex-girlfriend.”

Joe laughed:  “Oh yeah…I thought that name sounded familiar.”

Dot:  “You’re not fooling me.  I know that you remember who she is.”

Joe looked all starry-eyed:  “Yeah, I remember Mildred…”

Dot cracked up:  “Yeah, I just bet you do.”

Joe:  “But I remember you best of all, Dot.”

Dot:  “Yeah, you’d better say that.”

Joe looked at me and winked.

The Car Wash.

My new favorite thing is going through the car wash with Joe.

Joe:  “What the hell is this fandangled contraption all about?!”

Me:  “It’s a car washing machine.”

Dorothy sits in the backseat when we go through the noisy car wash, and since she can only hear out of one ear, she is completely oblivious to Joe’s running commentary.

Joe:  “Why the hell did someone make a machine to wash cars?!  Is there something wrong with a bucket of soapy water, a hose, and a wash rag?”

Me:  “Well this is just faster.  And easier.”

Joe:  “Oh hell, it doesn’t seem any faster and easier if you ask me!”

I rolled the window down to hand over 5 bucks to the guy running the car wash.

Joe:  “What’d you give that guy money for?”

Me:  “To pay him for the car wash.”

Joe:  “What the hell?!  You gotta pay to go through this goddamned thing?”

I didn’t respond, and instead just focused on rolling up the window, lining up the tires onto the tracks, and putting the car in neutral so that we could get started.

When Joe noticed that I had taken my hand off of the steering wheel but the car was still moving, he reached his arms all over the place trying to find something to hold onto for safety.  He finally settled on having both hands clutching his seat belt strap.

Me:  “It’s okay Joe, just relax.  We’re letting the machine do the work.”

By that time, we had gone through the first part of the wash, where it sprays the car down with water and then covers it in soap.  As soon as Joe saw the ropey looking things that start scrubbing down the car; that’s when the running commentary began.

Joe’s eyes were huge:  “Oh. My. God. We are getting closer to that…THING!  IT’S PULLING US IN!”

Me:  “It’s okay, it’s just material that is going to get the car all clean.”

Joe:  “The hell it is!!  That’s going to rub the paint right off of my car!”

Me:  “No, it’s really gentle.  It won’t rub off the paint.”

Joe looked at me:  “You show me two cars.  Put them side by side; one that goes through this fandangled mess, and one that just gets washed by hand, and I will show you how much worse off that car is than the other.”

Me:  “Okay, I’ll do that.”

Joe:  “Oh my lord, just look at that.  We’re sitting in here and just letting this thing ruin my car.  Whoever built this thing should be shot.”

Me:  “That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?”

Joe:  “It’s not harsh enough, in my opinion.”

Me:  “Okay, look Joe, we’re almost finished.  We’re going through the dryer now.”

Joe:  “What do you mean ‘dryer’?  My car can’t stand too much heat.  It could melt!”

Me:  “It’s not that hot.”

Joe:  “Do you want to go out there and stand in it?”

Me:  “Well, no…”

Joe folded his arms:  “Well okay then.”

When we finally got through the machine and all of the wheels were on dry land, I looked to see Joe completely craning his neck to look back at the car wash.

Me:  “We’re all finished now, Joe.”

Joe:  “Do we have to get out and walk back through it now?”

I laughed:  “Walk through the car wash?”

Joe:  “Yeah, let’s get out so we can walk through it now.”

Me:  “No, Joe.  We’re not going to get out and walk through it.”

Joe:  “But, how else am I going to take a shower?”

Dot:  “What is he talking about up there?”

Me:  “Joe’s asking if he can get out and walk through the carwash to take a shower.”

Dot laughed:  “Sure, go ahead!”

Joe reached for the door handle.  I stopped him by saying, “You already had your shower today, Joe.”

Joe:  “I did?”

Me:  “Yep.  You did.”

Joe:  “Okay then, if you say so.  We’d better get the hell out of here now, before that thing chases us down and swallows us!”

Dot:  “What’s he saying?”

Me:  “He’s worried that the carwash is going to swallow us.”

Dot shook her head and smiled:  “What an adventure, huh Joe?”

Joe:  “Something like that.  We’re all alive anyhow.”

Me:  “Yep, we’re all alive.”

Joe:  “Remind me never to go through one of those goddamned things ever again.”

Me:  “Okay, I will.”

 

 

Chocolate Pudding.

Dot has been saying that no one makes their own pudding anymore, and she insists that the kind that you mix up yourself is so much better than the kind in the “tiny” containers at the grocery store, so I decided to whip up some do-it-yourself chocolate pudding last night for dessert.

If I had known how excited Joe and Dot would be when I put a big bowl of chocolate pudding in front of each of them, I would have started making pudding a long time ago!  You would’ve thought it was Christmas morning if you could have seen the looks on their faces when I put a dollop of whipped cream on the top.  They both grabbed their spoons and dove right it.

Dot:  “Isn’t this the BEST PUDDING YOU’VE EVER HAD, Joe?”

When Joe looked up at her, his mouth and chin were covered in chocolate pudding.

Joe shrugged:  “Yeah, it’s alright.”

Dot:  “Did you make this yourself?”

I nodded.

Dot:  “I just can’t even believe that people are too lazy to even make their own pudding these days, because it’s SO MUCH better this way!”

Me:  “I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”

Dot noticed that I wasn’t eating any pudding, so she said, “Aren’t you going to have any?”

Me:  “No, I cheated on my diet during Thanksgiving, so now I’m back on track and trying to be good, so I’d better not.”

Dot shook her head:  “Well that’s just no way to live.”

Joe looked up at me with big eyes and a chocolate-covered face:  “You can’t have pudding after Thanksgiving?  Is that kind of like how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day…?”

I laughed:  “Yeah, something like that Joe.”

The Priest and the Acorn.

Father John delivers Communion to Joe and Dot’s house on Saturdays since it is becoming too difficult for them to go to church on a regular basis.  Now that my schedule has changed, and I no longer work on the weekends, Dot enjoys keeping me in the loop about anything funny that happens during Saturday Communion.

This week, Dot met me at the door because she was so excited to tell me about Father’s latest visit.

Dot:  “You’re never going to believe what happened to Father!”

Me:  “Oh no…what is it this time?”

Dot:  “Well, he got out of his car and started walking toward the house, and a nut fell from the tree and hit him right on the top of his head!”

I cracked up laughing because I could just picture the whole scene taking place.

Dot continued:  “It just about scared him half to death because he didn’t know what it was that hit him at first.  He thought that some kids were throwing rocks at him, so he held his Bible above his head and started running!”

Dot and I both just about fell out of our chairs laughing at that point.

Joe walked into the kitchen, grinning:  “What are you ladies laughing about?”

Me:  “Dot just told me about the acorn hitting Father on the top of his head!”

Joe laughed:  “I don’t remember hearing about that?”

Dot:  “Yeah, it happened this Saturday.  Father was scared because he thought that someone was throwing rocks at him.”

Joe did a deep belly laugh:  “So the nut clocked him right on the top of his head?!  What are the chances of something like that happening?”

Me:  “Well it’s never happened to me.”

Dot:  “Me either.”

Joe:  “Well he’ll probably never come back here again!”

Dot:  “Of course he’ll come back, Joe!  It was only a little old acorn that hit him.”

Joe:  “Yeah, but he might have thought it was the Devil!”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, he doesn’t think it was the devil.”

Joe:  “How do you know?  Priests only think about 2 things:  God and the Devil.  So if he doesn’t think that God threw the nut at his head, then who does that leave…?”

We all cracked up.

Me:  “That’s a good point, Joe.”

Joe laughed:  “Well, if nothing else it will help him to remember to put on his hat before he leaves his house in the morning!”

 

Winter.

Joe got his hair cut last week.  Tootsie would cut a bit and then show Dot, and Dot would say, “Go shorter.”  Poor Joe started to look a little bit worried.

Joe:  “It’s going to be too short!”

Dot:  “It looks good when it’s really short.”

Joe:  “Well I like your hair best when it’s not short, curly and gray, but I don’t make you change it!”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, just hold still and let her cut your hair.”

Tootsie did a few more snips and Joe shouted:  “Wait!  It’s winter!  I’m going to get too cold without my hair!!”

Dot smiled:  “If you get too cold then I’ll keep you warm…”

Joe:  “Did everyone hear that?”  Tootsie and I smiled and shook our heads “yes”.

Joe winked at Dot:  “Look here, Dot.  I’ve got witnesses and I’m going to hold you to that…”

Dot:  “Yeah, yeah.  Just hold still and let her cut your hair!”

Joe sat back in his chair, grinned, and happily let Tootsie snip away.

 

 

 

 

Cowgirls and Indians.

I was trying to entertain Joe this afternoon so that he would stop trying to “go home” by looking through a book about rodeos.  Joe loves anything that has to do with rodeos.

As we flipped through the pages we notice that there were several old, black and white photos of Native Americans wearing fancy head-dresses, and there were several photos of some famous cowgirls as well.

I was trying to make conversation with Joe as we looked through the pictures, and the conversation went something like this:

Me:  “Wow, look at those beautiful horses, Joe!”

Joe:  “Why are there Indians sitting on them?”

Me:  “Well, I’m not sure.  It looks like they were part of the rodeo show at one point.”

Joe grunted.

Me:  “I’m pretty sure that if they’re wearing those fancy head dresses then they must be chiefs, don’t you think?”

Joe laughed:  “How would I know?  I haven’t been hanging out with any Indians lately.”

Me:  “Well, actually, technically I am a Native American.  My mom is a registered tribe member, and you’ve been hanging out with me…”

Joe looked shocked:  “Is that right?!  Well you don’t look like no Indian to me.”

I laughed:  “Funny how that works huh?  I got more of my dad’s coloring I guess.”

Joe:  “Well what I want to know is, if you’re an Indian, then what the hell are you doing asking ME about Indians?  You’re the expert!”

Okay, moving on.  I smiled at him and turned the page.

Me:  “Oh look, Joe!  Looks like they’re barrel racing in this one.”

Joe:  “There’s a girl on that horse.”

Me:  “Yep, it’s a cowgirl.”

Joe:  “Rodeos are no place for a woman.”

Me:  “Why is that?”

Joe:  “Because they could fall off and get hurt.”

Me:  “Yeah, but couldn’t a man fall off and get hurt too?”

Joe laughed:  “Well yeah, but men have harder heads.  Plus, no one cares if a man gets any uglier.”

I laughed:  “That’s a good point.”

Joe looked at me with his sweet doe eyes:  “Can I go home now?”

Incontinence.

Lois and I often sit at the kitchen table for an hour or more after dinner, just chatting and telling funny stories.  She asked me a great question last night; one that I hadn’t really thought about too deeply.

Lois:  “When did you realize that you liked old people?”

I teased her and winked:  “How do you know that I like old people?”

Lois:  “Well, I just assumed since you spend so much time with us old farts…”

I laughed:  “Good point.”

I thought about it for a moment, and then I told her a bit about my childhood.

Me:  “When I was a little girl and my parents were still together, I would go on bus trips all the time.  My parents had a tourist business where they would take groups of old people on bus trips to Reno and all over the place.”

Lois was intrigued:  “Oh really?!”

Me:  “Yeah, it was really fun!  I hung out with the senior citizens all the time.  I remember one time I was so embarrassed because when I was around 4 years old, I fell asleep on one of the old lady’s laps.”

Lois:  “What was so embarrassing about that?”

I laughed:  “Well, the falling asleep part wasn’t embarrassing, but it was sure embarrassing when I woke up and quickly realized that I’d wet my pants all over that poor lady!”

Lois just about fell out of her chair she was laughing so hard:  “What did she do?!”

Me:  “Well she was so sweet to me.  I remember that I started crying and telling her that I was sorry and she just patted my arm, smiled and said, ‘Oh it’s okay sweetie.  You’ll stop wetting your pants one day soon, but then when you get to be my age you’ll start wetting your pants all over again…'”

Lois was laughing so hard she had tears rolling down her face:  “Well isn’t that the TRUTH!”

The Seafood Diet.

Dot was asking me about my diet this morning because she’s impressed with the results that I’ve achieved so far.  I explained to her that I’m not allowed to eat carbohydrates.  She had a puzzled look on her face so I said that I just don’t eat any sugar or flour; so no bread, rice, pasta or desserts for me.

Dot:  “Well I think that I’d like to go on that diet with you.”

Dot probably weighs 100 pounds soaking wet, so I told her that she didn’t need to go on any diets.

Dot looked at Joe’s expanding belly:  “Well then we should put Joe on that diet with you.”

Joe looked shocked:  “ME?!  I’m not going on any goddamned diet!”

Dot:  “Well, you should go on a diet!  Besides, this one sounds perfect for you…”

Joe:  “The only way that any diet will be perfect for me is if I can eat as much ice cream and as many cookies that I want!”

Dot:  “See?  This will work out perfectly!”

I stopped their argument to interject:  “Actually Dot, this diet is not perfect for either of you.”

Dot looked confused:  “But I thought that you said that all you can eat is sugar and bread…?”

I laughed, “No it’s the opposite.  The only thing that I CAN’T have is sugar and bread.”

Joe crossed his arms and gave Dot a look that said, “I told you so!”

Dot:  “Well that just doesn’t seem right not being able to have desserts…”

Me:  “I actually don’t know of any diets where desserts are permissible, Dot.”  I thought back and suddenly remembered a joke from grade school, and with a straight face I said, “Well, except of course the Seafood Diet…”

Dot looked intrigued:  “What do you get to eat on that diet?  Just fish and shrimp and stuff?”

I winked at Joe:  “Well it’s a simple diet.  Basically how it works is when you SEE food, you get to EAT it!”

Joe busted out laughing at that point.  “Ok, you’ve talked me into it.  I’ll go on THAT diet!”

Dot laughed too:  “Oh just never you mind about diets, Joe.”

Joe:  “Yeah, but now I WANT to go on a diet.”

I laughed and said, “Well it’s pretty much the diet you’re already on, Joe.”

Joe:  “Is that right?!  Well all right then.  That sounds alright.”  Then he went back to reading his newspaper.