Tombstone.

Lois the FinWhile I was tucking Lois into bed tonight she said, “You know, the other day I thought for sure I was a goner…”

Me:  “Why? What happened?”

Lois:  “I was just in so much pain and agony that I could hardly stand it!”

Me:  “That’s terrible, Lois! Did someone take you to the doctor?”

Lois:   “Well no, cuz it turned out that it was one of those sideways farts that was just jammed up in my belly, and once I was able to shake it out I felt a whole lot better.”

Me:  “Well I sure am glad that you were able to get it out! It’d be pretty terrible to live 94 years just to end up dying from a sideways fart.”

Lois cracked up:  “Imagine reading THAT tombstone!”

The Mack Truck.

Lois the FinThis afternoon, Lois woke herself up from her nap with the most gigantic fart I’ve ever heard.This is what happened next:Lois: “Who is making all of the racket in there!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Lois, you can go back to sleep.”

Lois: “How the HELL do you expect me to go back to sleep when you’re making so much racket that it sounds like someone’s driving a Mack Truck through my living room?!”

Me: “Lois, do you want to know the truth about what woke you up?”

Lois: “Of course I want to know the truth and I demand an apology as well!”

Me: “Okay then, but you’re not going to like it…”

Lois: “Just tell me for heaven’s sake!”

Me: “You passed gas while you were sleeping and woke yourself up.”

Lois: “You mean…I’m the one who was making all the racket?!”

Me: “Yes it was you.”

Lois thought about it for a second and laughed: “Boy, that was a doozy!”

Me: “It was pretty impressive all right.”

Lois: “I guess I’m the one who owes you an apology!”

Me: “Oh it’s okay Lois, I’ve heard worse. I have brothers.”

Prisoner of War.

Lois the FinLois always has to check the basement before bed to make sure that everything’s locked up, etc. This process can take anywhere from one to three hours. Thankfully she is usually happy to wander around by herself with her flashlight, but some nights (like tonight) she requires our assistance with checking and rechecking and rechecking (repeat 500 times) the locks. These are the nights that you wonder what you could have possibly done in a former life to deserve this special kind of hell.

And as if things weren’t terrible enough, Lois insisted that I follow behind her as we went up the stairs, because she had the flashlight and she was worried that I might fall. So she took the steps, verrrry slowly, one at a time, and each step was aided by the abrupt force of her bullet-like farts. By the third step, I couldn’t take it anymore.

Me: “Lois, you go on ahead without me. I’ll be up in a minute.”

Lois: “Oh no, it will be much safer if you follow behind me. I’d feel terrible if you had a fall!”

Me: “I just figured that it might be a good idea to check the locks a few hundred more times.”

Lois: “Oh, good idea. Here, I’ll let you take the flashlight so that you can see what you’re doing.”

Mind you, there are about 6 lights that are left on in the basement for her crazy cat all night long, but Lois is blind as a bat.

Me: “Thank you, Lois. The flashlight really does help.”

Lois made her way up the stairs slowly but surely, with the aid of her rapid-fire farts. The sound echoed through the basement and for a moment I felt like a prisoner of war.

And she never even said “excuse me”. Not even once.

The Tractor.

While we were eating lunch today, how do I say this nicely…

Joe passed a little gas.

In hopes that Dot didn’t hear it (since her bad ear was nearest to the event) I pretended like I didn’t notice.

Apparently Joe needed some recognition in that moment, because he giggled and said, “Yoo-hoo!”

Dot looked up at him: “What do you need Joe?”

Joe grinned from ear to ear and said, “Did you hear that Dot?”

Dot craned her head to look outside the window: “Was that the tractor?”

Joe, still grinning from ear to ear shook his head “No”.

Dot said (and I wanted to die laughing): “It sounded like James (their son) just started up the tractor…”

I was trying so hard not to meet Joe’s eyes, but then I thought better of it and tried not to smile when I gave him a look that said: “Don’t do it…!”

Joe was practically bouncing on his chair with excitement when he said, “Nope. It wasn’t no tractor…”

I practically buried my head in my bowl of soup at this point to keep from laughing. It was too late to stop him.

Joe:  “Wanna know what it was Dorothy?” Joe was smiling so big when Dot looked at him that I’m pretty sure she figured it out before he announced proudly: “It was a FART!”

It took everything that I had in me to keep my taco soup from shooting out of my nose, but I managed to hold it in.

“Oh Joe…” Dot shook her head in disapproval and went right back to her lunch.  Joe started laughing so hard that his whole body was shaking, but once he realized that Dot was determined to have no reaction to what he just said, he quietly went back to eating his soup.

Of course, just when I thought I was safe, Joe made eye contact with me and winked.

I quickly excused myself from the table, and headed to the bathroom where I could shut the door and double over with laughter. Once I composed myself I walked back to the table.

Joe was sitting there with the proudest look on his smiling face. “See Dot? That girl thought it was funny…!”

Dot made a noise that was something between a grunt and a chuckle before she said, “Joe, just stop playing around and eat your soup!”