White Chocolate Practicality.

“Family Feud” is a game show that has pretty much been around since the beginning of time.  Of course I have heard of the show, but I have never actually watched an entire episode until I began my job as a Care Manager for Ethel.  Since then I have been lucky enough to see at least two episodes back-to-back each weeknight that I make my visits, because Ethel absolutely loves it!

She especially loves the new host; the brilliant and always sharp-dressed comedian, Steve Harvey.  I’m pretty sure that she watches the show just to see Steve Harvey, in all of his shiny-bald-headed handsomeness, so that she can say in her quiet, raspy voice, “Isn’t that the most sharp dressed man you’ve ever seen?”  In fact, in one recent, riveting episode of Family Feud, they surveyed 100 women and asked them, “What would you like to do to the top of Steve Harvey’s bald head?”

I had just assisted the caregiver in getting Ethel safely onto the commode, and Ethel asked me to repeat the question to her because she didn’t hear it.  So I repeated, “They surveyed 100 women and asked them what they would like to do to the top of Steve Harvey’s head…”

Ethel got all giggly, and even covered her face with her hands before she said, “I would kiss it.”

I cracked up and said, “Kiss it?!  Really?”

She looked at me, her eyes wide with shock, and she said, “Of course!  Wouldn’t you?!”

Before I could answer, one of the family members gave, “Kiss it” as an answer, and wouldn’t you know that “Kiss it” was the #1 answer on the board?  Ethel looked at the TV, and then looked back at me, and said, “SEE?!”  I just held my hands up in self defense.

That is the day that I learned that there is no joking around when it comes to kissing Steve Harvey’s bald head.

But that is not the best Ethel/Family Feud story.

The best story began with the following survey question, and it was a question that made even Steve Harvey blush.  It went something like this:

“We surveyed 100 men and asked them, if they could choose, what would their favorite flavor be of edible underwear…?”

Thankfully Ethel had dozed off in her recliner during the survey question.

One of the Male Family Members hit the buzzer:  “Um…Cherry?”

Cherry was the #1 answer.

It quickly became apparent, that while the male members of the family had excellent flavor suggestions for edible underwear, the women were clueless.

Crazy Uncle Ted of the Melvin Family had started up the round with the #1 answer of Cherry and Daddy Melvin came up with the #2 answer, which was Strawberry.  Once it was time for Momma Melvin to offer an edible underwear flavor suggestion, she was clearly flabbergasted by the whole topic.

Momma Melvin:  “Beer.”

Steve Harvey:  “Beer?  As in…beer-flavored underwear?”

M.M:  “Men love their beer right?”

Steve Harvey:  “Mmmm Honey…what do you say you slip into a pair of Budweiser panties tonight?  Sweetie, nothing turns me on more than when you wear your Heineken-flavored drawers!”  Of course the audience laughed hysterically.

Steve Harvey:  “Show me ‘BEER’…”

X – Beer was NOT on the list of one of the popular answers on the survey.

Ethel woke up from her catnap when she heard the caregiver and I trying to control the volume of our laughter.

Ethel:  “What’s so funny?”

Me:  “We’re laughing at the show.  They asked a really strange question, and some of the answers are hilarious!”

Ethel started laughing without even knowing any of the details:  “Oh would you look at that sharp-dressed man!”

Me:  “He really does wear some beautiful clothes, doesn’t he?!”

Ethel grinned from ear to ear:  “Oh yes.”

………….Steve Harvey:  “We interviewed 100 men and asked them their favorite flavor of edible underwear…”

Ethel:  “Did he just say ‘edible underwear’…?”

Me:  “Yes, he sure did.”

Ethel:  “Oh my!”

Another female family member was being asked the question, and her answer was, “Chocolate.”

Ethel:  “Did she just say ‘chocolate’?  Eating a pair of underwear is bad enough, but you certainly wouldn’t want it to be BROWN, would you??”

The caregiver and I just about fell on the floor laughing.

Me:  “You make an excellent point Ethel.”

Ethel:  “Honey, when you get to my age, it’s all about being practical.”

……….Steve Harvey:  “Show me ‘CHOCOLATE’…”

Sure enough; Chocolate was #5, but it was labeled Chocolate/White.

Me:  “Chocolate is a popular flavor for underwear I guess, but at least it’s white chocolate.”

Ethel nodded in agreement:  “Yes, well white chocolate makes much more sense.  Plus it’s delicious!  I have a question though; do people eat underwear often…?”

I quickly pointed at the caregiver, and the caregiver pointed at me.  Since I’m the Care Manager, the responsibility fell on me.

Me:  “Ummm…well…ummmm…it’s more of a naughty kind of a thing…”

Ethel’s eyebrows went up:  “Oh?  Ohhhh.  Yes.  Of course it is.  That’s why the men know so much about it.”

Me:  “Exactly.”

Meryl Streep.

UnknownI watched, “The Devil Wears Prada” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, once I was able to convince Dot that it was not actually about the Devil.The magic word was “Meryl Streep“.

Dot:  “Oh I’ll watch anything with Meryl Streep in it!  She’s wonderful!  I’m just surprised that she’d be in a movie about the devil, but if anyone can make a devil movie good,  it’s her!”

Me:  “It’s not about the devil at all, I promise.  It’s a comedy!”

Dot looked skeptical but she went with it.

When the movie ended I asked Dot what she thought about it (Joe slept through the entire thing).

Dot:  “All I know is that I’d never want to live in a big city because people just get run over by cars all the time!”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess that’s true…”  (I think there is one scene in the entire movie where someone gets hit by a car.)

Dot:  “And I’m sort of disappointed that Meryl Streep had such a small role.”

Me:  “Well actually, she was one of the main characters.”

Dot:  “She was?  Which one was she?”

Me:  “She was the mean boss with the silver hair.”

Dot:  “Ohhhhhh!  I was just so busy looking for the devil that I guess I must’ve missed her.  And what does Prada mean…?”

Me:  “Prada is a very expensive brand of clothing.  So….how can i explain this…?  The title of the movie refers to the lead actress’s temptation to trade her soul for wealth and fashion and it also is implying that Meryl Streep’s character is an evil temptress.  Does any of that make sense?”

Dot:  “So…Meryl Streep was the DEVIL?!”

Me:  “Um…sort of?”

Dot shrugged her shoulders and sighed:  “Boy I totally didn’t see that coming!”

Skinny Jeans.

Dot often wears extremely bright, verging on neon colored, denim jeans that she mixes and matches her flowery shirts with.  She takes extra special care to hand wash these pants and hang them up to dry in the doorway of her bedroom.

A couple of weeks ago, I could hear Joe rummaging around downstairs in the middle of the night.  I looked at the clock and it said 1:15am and I had an “uh-oh” kind of premonition.  I got out of bed and turned the lights on so that I wouldn’t take a tumble.  When I was about halfway down the stairs, I saw this bright flash of yellow out of the corner of my eye.  I called out, “Joe?  Is that you…?”

Joe:  “I can’t get these damned pants to button!”

I rushed down the stairs quickly so that I could see what in the world he was talking about.  If only I could’ve taken a picture at that moment, so that you could see what was standing in front of me.

There was Joe, standing there in his white undershirt, work boots, and hat…and if that wasn’t strange enough, he had also somehow managed to cram his lower body into a pair of Dot’s bright yellow jeans!

They were skin tight and he looked like he was going to suffocate when he sucked in his belly to try to button them.  As I stood there mesmerized by the scene, he actually hopped not once, but twice, in order to get them buttoned and zipped successfully.  When he finally let himself breathe again, his belly puffed out to full capacity and pooched out like a basketball over his toothpick legs that were stuffed into neon yellow skinny jeans.  I couldn’t even help myself from laughing.

Me:  “Joe!  What in the world are you doing wearing a pair of Dot’s pants?”

Joe looked down at his neon yellow ensemble and then looked back up at me with a big grin:  “Are these Dot’s pants?”

Me:  “Yes, they’re definitely Dot’s pants!”

Joe:  “Well no wonder they’re so goddamned tight!”

Me:  “Yeah, no wonder!”

Joe cracked himself up and we laughed together for a bit.  Dot woke up momentarily and asked us what was so funny.

Me:  “Just take a look at Joe’s outfit, Dot.”

Dot peeked her eyes open just enough to look at Joe for a second and said, “Hey, those are MY pants!”

Joe giggled:  “Yeah, and you know what?  You can’t tell me that I can’t have ice cream anymore, Dot…”

Dot:  “Why is that?”

Joe put his hands on his waist, which only served to emphasize he protruding belly as he proudly announced, “If I can fit my ass into YOUR pants, then YOU’RE the one who shouldn’t be eating so much ice cream!”

Dot just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Joe:  “Well I told her, didn’t I…?”

I smiled at him:  “Yep, you sure did, now how about I help you get out of those uncomfortable jeans so that you can get some sleep huh?”

Joe looked at me and chuckled:  “Well you can go back to bed if you want, but I’m on my way to work!”

Realizing that this was quickly turning into a long night, I tried to reason with him:  “But Joe, you can’t go to work in Dot’s pants…”

Joe looked down at his legs again:  “Well why the hell not?  I’ll be a lot safer in these britches because they’re bright enough to stop traffic!”

He had a good point there…