Suit Yourself.

Lois the FinI got Lois all set up at the table for dinner this evening before I finished unloading the groceries from my car.  When I returned to the kitchen to join Lois for a meal a few minutes later, I made a startling discovery.  Lois was sitting at the kitchen table, happily drinking her strawberry milkshake…in the nude.

Me:  “Um…Lois?”

Lois:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Where are your clothes?”

Lois:  “I took ’em off.”

Me:  “I see that.  Where did you put your clothes?”

Lois:  “I got too hot so I took them all off and threw them out the window.”

I looked out the window, and sure enough, there were Lois’ clothes scattered all over the place.  The best part was her bra was hanging off of the hedge that separates her house from her neighbor’s house.

Lois:  “Are you going to join me for dinner?”

Me:  “I’m actually not very hungry at the moment.  I think I’ll wait a while.”

Lois:  “You’re probably just too hot.  You can take your clothes off too if you want.”

Me:  “That’s okay, I’d prefer to keep my clothes on.”

Lois said, “Suit yourself” before she dove back into her cheeseburger.

The Neighborhood Marsupial.

Lois the FinI’m taking care of Lois tonight, and as usual she spent a solid hour calling for her cat, Baby, before bed.  This time Baby actually came into the house and circled around Lois’s legs, meowing and purring, and Lois talked to her and fed her and everything.

As I was tucking Lois into bed, I told her that I was so happy that she got to love on Baby for a while.  Lois looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I never saw Baby tonight!”

Me:  “You actually pet Baby and fed her and talked to her for about 15 minutes tonight, Lois.”

Lois:  “Oh no, you’re mistaken.  Baby got eaten up by wolves this morning.”

Me: “Well that’s too bad.  Who were you loving on in the kitchen earlier then…?”

Lois:  “Oh that was the neighborhood marsupial.”

Me:   “Marsupial?”

Lois:  “Yeah, you know, the skunk!”

Me:  “I didn’t realize that there was an official neighborhood skunk…”

Lois laughed:  “You probably just mistook him for a cat.  Don’t feel bad; it happens to everybody.”

Horse Pedicures.

JoeJoe:  “What the hell happened to your toenails?”

Me:  “They’re painted.”

Joe:  “You mean to tell me that you did that to yourself, on purpose?!”

Me:  “Actually, I paid someone to paint them for me.”

Joe: “Oh Hogwash!  Next time you want to get your toes that color just go out to any old farm and let the horses stomp on your feet!  That’d get the job done a whole lot cheaper.”

Me: “Thanks Joe, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Awkward.

JoeThe worst time for a client to have a lucid moment is when you are giving them a bed bath, and while you are washing their private parts (with gloves and a wash cloth of course) they look at you suspiciously and say, “Ummm…excuse me?  What are you doing…?”  This happened this morning with Joe, and when I explained to him that I was getting him cleaned up and ready for the day he did not appear convinced.

Guardian Angel.

JoePoor Joe just looks terrible today.  He had a bad fall last night that put him in the ER for stitches on the bridge of his nose, and the right side of his face is very swollen and bruised (see previous post).

When I woke him up for his bed bath this morning, I was curious to see if he had any memory of his fall so I said, “Whoa Joe, what happened to your face?”

Joe looked really serious:  “Some idiot ran a stop sign!”

Me:  “That’s terrible!  So…you were in a car accident?”

Joe:  “Yes I was, but I wasn’t driving.  The dumbass who was driving MY car just about got us killed!  I sure as hell won’t be riding with THAT GUY ever again!”

Me:  “I don’t blame you!  That sounds pretty rough.”

Joe got teared up:  “But thank God the kids are okay…”

Me:  “Oh yeah, the kids are just fine.  You did a good job making sure that they had their seat belts on.  You’re a good Dad, Joe.”

Joe’s bottom lip trembled:  “I’m so happy about that.  We were very lucky.”

I patted him on the shoulder:  “Yes you were very lucky.  Everyone is going to be okay, Joe.  Your face is bruised up pretty good, but soon enough you’ll be good as new.  You must have had an angel looking after you huh?”

Joe grinned:  “Yes I did.  I really did!”

My Sandwich.

JoeI love it when I’m at work and by the time I sit down to eat my lunch, Joe and Dot have already finished eating theirs, only Joe doesn’t remember eating his lunch, so when I step away to pour myself a glass of water, Joe helps himself to my sandwich…

Tombstone.

Lois the FinWhile I was tucking Lois into bed tonight she said, “You know, the other day I thought for sure I was a goner…”

Me:  “Why? What happened?”

Lois:  “I was just in so much pain and agony that I could hardly stand it!”

Me:  “That’s terrible, Lois! Did someone take you to the doctor?”

Lois:   “Well no, cuz it turned out that it was one of those sideways farts that was just jammed up in my belly, and once I was able to shake it out I felt a whole lot better.”

Me:  “Well I sure am glad that you were able to get it out! It’d be pretty terrible to live 94 years just to end up dying from a sideways fart.”

Lois cracked up:  “Imagine reading THAT tombstone!”

Night Lights.

Lois the FinLois has little night lights plugged in all over her house so that she can see to get to the bathroom during the night.  Tonight she asked me to change the bulb in one of them because it had burned out.

At the same time that I was kneeling down to change the bulb, Lois turned to shuffle her way to the bathroom, and without any warning whatsoever, she began to expel what would end up being a minute and a half rocket-launcher of a fart.  She actually appeared to be hydro-planing down the hall in her fuzzy pink bathrobe.

Note to self:  Always make sure that Lois is at least 20 feet away from your person before you even think about crouching down to change a night light bulb

Joe’s Hallucinations.

JoeJoe has been hallucinating all night and all day today.  When he is hallucinating, he usually lays flat on his back and talks to the ceiling, and it’s nearly impossible to get him back to reality; we just have to keep him safe in bed and let the hallucinations run their course.

Last night he was having an imaginary conversation with his brother, Bart.  First they were planning to go on a hunting trip, then they were loading a flat bed truck with feed bags.  At around 3am he was hollering to Bart that he needed to “go out to the garage and unload that hog from Grandma’s rig!”

I sleep in the same room with Joe, so I talked to him from my bed and said, “Joe, what are you hollering about?”

Joe:  “Huh…?  Oh, well see, Bart left the hog in the garage and it’s bleeding all over the place!”

Me:  “Bart already unloaded the hog so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Joe:  “How do you know?”

Me:  “Because he told me.”

Joe:  “Oh he did?  Well sorry for hollering at you Bart!”

Me:  “Bart says he forgives you.”

This afternoon, Joe was still hallucinating in his bedroom and I was listening to him through the baby monitor that we have out in the living room so that I could hear him if he tried to get up out of bed on his own.

He was mostly just talking jibberish, but all of a sudden he shouted out, “Hey!  Hey you!  You got any Viagra?”

I went back to his bedroom and asked him if everything was okay.

Joe grinned:  “I’m just making arrangements to get my hands on some Viagra.”

Me:  “You think you need some Viagra huh?”

Joe:  “Well I don’t think I need it, but I think that Dot might enjoy it, if you know what I mean…”

I laughed:  “Yes, I know what you mean.”

Joe:  “Okay, well go ahead and send Dot in.  Tell her I’ll be awaitin’ for her…”

Me:  “I’ll be sure to do that.”

Joe:  “Oh shit, what are you doing here Bart?  Well it’s really not a good time for us to go hunting Bart.  Why?  Well I’ll tell you why…I just took a Viagra!”

I figured that was my cue to exit.

 

Blankets.

JoeNow that Joe has become incredibly over-confident in his walking abilities, the caregiver’s bed has been moved into his bedroom in hopes of preventing more falls.

When I was tucking Joe into bed tonight, I made the following error:

Me: “Are you warm enough? Do you think you need another blanket?”

Joe: “I think I’m okay for right now.”

Me: “Okay, but if you get too cold just let me know.”

Joe: “Where will I find you?”

Me: “I’ll be sleeping in the bed next to you…”

Clearly I did not think that through. Yes, my bed is next to Joe’s bed, but they are on opposite walls with a good amount of space in between them.

Joe grinned from ear to ear, scooted as far over in his bed as he could, and then patted the mattress space beside him.

Joe: “If you’re sleeping next to me, then there won’t be any need for more blankets. I’ll keep you plenty warm…”