Joe’s Favorite Word.

JoeHow to tell when Joe is in a bad mood:

Dot: “Did you like that?”

Joe: “What?”

Dot: “Your ice cream! Was it good?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why didn’t you like it?”

Joe: “It tasted like shit!”

Dot: “Oh it did not! You love ice cream!”

Joe: “Have you tasted it?”

Dot: “Yes, it’s chocolate ice cream.”

Joe: “It’s a pile of shit!”

Dot: “Do you like the singing on the show?”

(We’re watching “The Voice“)

Joe: “What show?”

Dot: “The one on TV. It’s a singing show. Do you like the girl who’s singing?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why not?”

Joe: “Cuz she sounds like shit.”

Dot: “Oh no she doesn’t.”

Joe: “How do you know what shit sounds like?”

Dot: “How do YOU know what it sounds like?”

Joe: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

Dot: “Where do you want to go?”

Joe: “Take a shit.”

Me: “Hey Joe, is shit your favorite word tonight?”

Joe looked right at me and then tapped Dot on the shoulder.

Dot: “What?”

Joe: “Who is that girl over there?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She’s going to take you to the bathroom now.”

Joe: “What for?”

Dot: “So you can take a shit!”

Joe: “I don’t need any girl to help me take a shit!”

Dot: “Yes you do! Last time you went to the bathroom by yourself you fell right on your face!”

Joe looked around the room and he appeared bewildered: “What the HELL is going on around here?!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Joe, you’re safe at home.”

Joe looked at me like I was crazy and shouted: “BULLSHIT!

Looks like it’s going to be another long night…

Chinese Food.

JoeI decided to make some fried rice and orange chicken for dinner tonight.  I wasn’t sure how it would go over with Joe, but I knew that Dot would love it.

Dot:  “Oh boy!  What a treat!  Is this Chinese food??”

Me:  “Yep, it is.  I thought it’d be nice to have something different.”

Joe:  “Chinese?  What’s Chinese?”

Dot:  “Your dinner.  It’s Chinese food.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “It came all the way from China?”

Dot:  “Do you think that Whitney went all the way to China to get our dinner?”

Joe laughed:  “Well if she did she was sure quick!”

Me:  “It’s just the name for this style of food.”

Joe:  “Oh okay.”

Dot:  “Do you like it Joe?  It’s good, isn’t it?!”

Joe:  “I don’t know.  I haven’t even tried it yet.”

Dot:  “So try it!”

Joe:  “I’m getting’ to it.  I never ate this kind of fancy food before…”

Dot:  “Oh you have too!  We’ve gone out to Chinese restaurants before.”

Joe:  “I ain’t never been to China.  I know that for a fact!”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Me:  “Hey Joe, it’s really not all that fancy.  It’s just rice and chicken.”

Joe:  “Oh, is that what it is?!  Why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Me:  “Well I guess I should’ve just said that in the first place, huh?”

Joe:  “One thing that I’ve learned in my life is that there’s no point in puttin’ fancy names on things.  I mean, for instance, shit is shit.  There’s really no way to fancy it up.”

Me:  “You are exactly right, Joe.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

Apparently Dot didn’t hear a word we said when she asked, “How do you like your Chinese food, Joe?”

Joe:  “What’s Chinese about my food…?”