Ketchup.

JoeI take great pride in making a super healthy dinner that’s delicious enough that even Joe will eat it. Turkey burgers with sautéed onions, mushrooms, red & orange peppers mixed in, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, and brown rice. Once it was all covered in Heinz Ketchup, Joe woofed it down like a champ!

Joe’s Favorite Word.

JoeHow to tell when Joe is in a bad mood:

Dot: “Did you like that?”

Joe: “What?”

Dot: “Your ice cream! Was it good?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why didn’t you like it?”

Joe: “It tasted like shit!”

Dot: “Oh it did not! You love ice cream!”

Joe: “Have you tasted it?”

Dot: “Yes, it’s chocolate ice cream.”

Joe: “It’s a pile of shit!”

Dot: “Do you like the singing on the show?”

(We’re watching “The Voice“)

Joe: “What show?”

Dot: “The one on TV. It’s a singing show. Do you like the girl who’s singing?”

Joe: “No.”

Dot: “Why not?”

Joe: “Cuz she sounds like shit.”

Dot: “Oh no she doesn’t.”

Joe: “How do you know what shit sounds like?”

Dot: “How do YOU know what it sounds like?”

Joe: “I’ve gotta get out of here.”

Dot: “Where do you want to go?”

Joe: “Take a shit.”

Me: “Hey Joe, is shit your favorite word tonight?”

Joe looked right at me and then tapped Dot on the shoulder.

Dot: “What?”

Joe: “Who is that girl over there?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She’s going to take you to the bathroom now.”

Joe: “What for?”

Dot: “So you can take a shit!”

Joe: “I don’t need any girl to help me take a shit!”

Dot: “Yes you do! Last time you went to the bathroom by yourself you fell right on your face!”

Joe looked around the room and he appeared bewildered: “What the HELL is going on around here?!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Joe, you’re safe at home.”

Joe looked at me like I was crazy and shouted: “BULLSHIT!

Looks like it’s going to be another long night…

Joe’s Hallucinations.

JoeJoe has been hallucinating all night and all day today.  When he is hallucinating, he usually lays flat on his back and talks to the ceiling, and it’s nearly impossible to get him back to reality; we just have to keep him safe in bed and let the hallucinations run their course.

Last night he was having an imaginary conversation with his brother, Bart.  First they were planning to go on a hunting trip, then they were loading a flat bed truck with feed bags.  At around 3am he was hollering to Bart that he needed to “go out to the garage and unload that hog from Grandma’s rig!”

I sleep in the same room with Joe, so I talked to him from my bed and said, “Joe, what are you hollering about?”

Joe:  “Huh…?  Oh, well see, Bart left the hog in the garage and it’s bleeding all over the place!”

Me:  “Bart already unloaded the hog so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Joe:  “How do you know?”

Me:  “Because he told me.”

Joe:  “Oh he did?  Well sorry for hollering at you Bart!”

Me:  “Bart says he forgives you.”

This afternoon, Joe was still hallucinating in his bedroom and I was listening to him through the baby monitor that we have out in the living room so that I could hear him if he tried to get up out of bed on his own.

He was mostly just talking jibberish, but all of a sudden he shouted out, “Hey!  Hey you!  You got any Viagra?”

I went back to his bedroom and asked him if everything was okay.

Joe grinned:  “I’m just making arrangements to get my hands on some Viagra.”

Me:  “You think you need some Viagra huh?”

Joe:  “Well I don’t think I need it, but I think that Dot might enjoy it, if you know what I mean…”

I laughed:  “Yes, I know what you mean.”

Joe:  “Okay, well go ahead and send Dot in.  Tell her I’ll be awaitin’ for her…”

Me:  “I’ll be sure to do that.”

Joe:  “Oh shit, what are you doing here Bart?  Well it’s really not a good time for us to go hunting Bart.  Why?  Well I’ll tell you why…I just took a Viagra!”

I figured that was my cue to exit.

 

Those God%#@* Coyotes!

Lois the FinLois has continued to ask me about visiting her sister, Sylvia, who has been dead and buried for nearly ten years.  As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have used every tactic that I can think of to try to redirect her thoughts, but to no avail.  Finally, I had no choice but to break the news to her:

Me:  “Lois, I hate to be the one to tell you this…”

Lois snapped:  “Tell me what?!”

Me:  “Sylvia passed away about ten years ago…”

Lois was shocked:  “Did she get hit by a car?!”

I have no idea how Sylvia died, but I didn’t imagine that she was hit by a car so I said, “No.”

Lois:  “Did the wolves get her?”

Me:  “The wolves?  Ummm…that’s highly unlikely.”

Lois:  “It must’ve been the coyotes.  Those GODDAMNED coyotes!”

Me:  “I’m pretty sure that she died of old age, Lois.”

Lois laughed:  “She wasn’t old enough to die of old age!”

Me:  “She was in her 80’s.”

Lois:  “Who the HELL are you talking about?!”

Me:  “Your sister, Sylvia.”

Lois:  “What the HELL is the matter with you!  I wasn’t talking about my SISTER!  I was talking about my CAT!!”

Me:  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I must’ve misunderstood.  I didn’t know that you had a cat named Sylvia.”

Lois:  “I don’t!  My cat’s name is Baby!”

Me:  “Um…okay…so you want to go and visit Baby?  I’m sure that she’s outside if you want to call for her.”

Lois:  “She’s too far away.”

Me:  “She usually just hangs around the backyard.”

Lois:  “Baby is at Sylvia’s house.  I need to go to Sylvia’s house to pick Baby up and bring her home!”

Here we go again…

Pregnant? Who’s Pregnant…?

joe_dotDot was trying to help me to get Joe transferred from his bed to his wheelchair this morning, which really just means that she was in my way.

Joe was okay with me helping him, but when he noticed that Dot was holding onto him too he said, “Dot, stop! You can’t help me! Not in your condition…”

Dot: “And what condition is that?”

Joe: “You’re pregnant!”

Dot’s eyes got really big, so I said, “I guess that’s news to you, huh Dot?” Dot cracked up.

Joe: “Well I oughta know! I made you that way.”

Dot: “Not for a long time, Joe.”

Joe: “You think I don’t know how babies are made?”

Dot: “I’m too old to be pregnant, Joe.”

Joe laughed, and with a sparkle in his eye he said, “Well I guess we don’t have to be so careful anymore huh?”

Dot rolled her eyes and said, “Oh boy, here we go again…”

A Round of Applause.

JoeThis afternoon Joe was very polite and subtle when he announced to Dot and I that he needed to “take a shit”.  As quickly as I could, I got him up off of his recliner, maneuvered him down the hallway with his walker to the bathroom, and got him safely seated on the toilet.  There is always a last-minute fear of what I might find when I help any of my clients to pull down their Depends, but today I was relieved to discover that we’d made it to the toilet on time for a change, and I had to fight the urge to sing the Hallelujah Chorus.

I was playing Scrabble on my iPhone as Joe did his business, when all of a sudden he looked down and saw my shoes (I was wearing my oldest pair of black Converse).

Joe:  “Those are some fancy shoes you got there!”

Me:  “Oh yeah, they’re pretty fancy alright.”

Joe:  “Yep.”  He looked up at me:  “Hey, what are you doing hanging out in the bathroom anyways?”

Me:  “Oh I’m just here in case you need any help.”

Joe chuckled:  “I don’t need any help.  I’ve been shitting by myself for many a year.”

Me:  “Well I don’t really have anything else going on so I thought that I may as well hang out with you in here if you don’t mind.”

Joe shrugged:  “That sounds alright to me.  I’m sure there are better smelling places to hang out around here, but if you can stand the smell then you’re more than welcome to stay.”  He looked down at my feet again and said, “I guess that’s why you’re wearing your fancy shoes huh?”

Me:  “Yep, that’s exactly why.”

When Joe was finished doing his business, I helped him to wash his hands and then we wandered slowly back to the living room.

Dot:  “Well how’d you do?”

Joe:  “How’d I do what?”

Dot:  “How’d it go in the bathroom?”

Joe:  “Well I took a shit if that’s what you’re gettin’ at.”

I added, “And Someone even made it to the toilet on time!”

Dot clapped her hands and said, “Wow!  Good job Joe!”

Joe cracked up:  “If I knew that I’d get this much applause every time I took a shit, I’d have started telling folks about it a long time ago!”

The Baseball Bat Compliment.

joe_dotAnyone who has seen Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore‘s “50 First Dates” will remember the scene where Henry (Adam Sandler) gets his best Hawaiian friend, Ula (played by Rob Schneider) to pretend to be mugging him on the side of the road in order to get Lucy’s (Drew Barrymore) attention.

Lucy not only pulls her car over to rescue Henry, but she actually takes a baseball bat out of the backseat of her car and proceeds to beat the living shit out of poor Ula.  It’s hilarious!

Joe was napping in his recliner, but he woke up during that scene and he and Dot howled with laughter.

Joe:  “That must be a pretty weak bat.”

Me:  “Why do you say that, Joe?”

Joe:  “Well that pretty lady just beat that guy to hell and back with that baseball bat and he was still able to run away.”

Dot:  “It’s just a movie Joe.  It’s pretend.  The bat was probably made out of plastic or something.”

Joe looked serious:  “Pretend or not, getting beat up with a baseball bat like that would turn a man into a pile of raw hamburger real quick.”

Me:  “That’s true Joe.”

Joe:  “There wouldn’t be no getting up from that!”

Me:  “Nope, there sure wouldn’t be.”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Joe:  “Only a pretty blonde could get away with beating a man to his death like that.”

Me:  “Why is that Joe?”

Joe had a sparkle in his eye:  “Because at least he’d have something pretty to look at.  That wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.”

Joe thought about it for a minute before he grinned real big, looked at Dot and said, “Now don’t go gettin’ any ideas about whacking me with that can of yours…”

Dot smiled:  “Is that your way of telling me that I’m pretty?”

Joe chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.

Dot grinned:  “Well that’s about the best compliment that you’ve given me in a long time, Joe.”

Joe turned to look at me and whispered, “Seems I may have said something right.  Maybe she’ll let me in her bedroom later…”

I whispered back:  “Maybe so, Joe.”

Dot craned her neck:  “What’d he say?”

Me:  “He said that lady on TV doesn’t hold a candle to you, Dot.”

Dot smiled from ear to ear and reached over to hold his hand:  “Well you’re just full of charm today, aren’t you Joe?”

Joe beamed with pride and chuckled shyly.

As soon as Dot wasn’t looking, I gave Joe a “thumb’s up” sign and he winked back at me.

All in a day’s work.

Sparkly.

JoeI’m watching “The Voice” with Joe and Dot and I commented on Shakira‘s sparkly jacket.

Me: “That’s really a pretty jacket she’s wearing!”

Dot: “I was just thinking that too! What do you think of it Joe?”

Joe: “What do I think of what?”

Dot: “That lady’s jacket. The one on TV…”

Joe laughed: “I don’t know about any jacket but I see some pretty good knockers there…”

Dot: “What’d you say?”

Joe looked at the floor sheepishly: “Nothin.”

Dot looked at me: “What’d he say?”

Me: “He said that it was sparkly.”

Joe laughed: “It’s sparkly all right!”

Watch Me.

joe_dotWe had a late lunch today, so I planned to make dinner for Joe and Dot an hour later than usual.  While I was in the kitchen cooking, I heard the following conversation:

Joe:  “Well, I guess we’d better head out…”

Dot:  “Where do you wanna go?”

Joe:  “To the bank.”

Dot:  “What do you need to go to the bank for?”

Joe:  “We’ll need to get money if we’re gonna go out to eat.”

Dot:  “The Girl is in there cooking right now.”

Joe:  “What Girl?”

Dot:  “The Girl who takes care of us.  She’s cooking dinner and she said it would be ready in 15 minutes.”

Joe:  “Oh god, I don’t think I’ll make it ’til then!”

Dot:  “What do you mean, you don’t think you’ll make it?”

Joe:  “I might starve!”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, you’re not going to starve.”

Joe:  “I am too!  Watch me.”

Hollow Leg.

JoeAfter dinner tonight, I asked Joe if he’d had enough to eat.

Joe:  “Well…I don’t know…”

Dot:  “Oh you’ve had enough!  You ate all of your chicken and stuffing and salad and a big brownie.  You couldn’t possibly still be hungry!”

Joe:  “Well I don’t remember doing any of that.”

Dot:  “Well you did do that.”

Joe:  “Did you have enough to eat Dot?”

Dot:  “Yes!  I’m stuffed!”

Joe:  “Well I’m not sure what went wrong.  I could still eat something.”

Me:  “Wow Joe, you really must have a hollow leg tonight!”

Joe looked concerned:  “Oh god I hope not!  That sounds dangerous!”