Toilet Paper.

I noticed that Lois was struggling with the toilet paper roll in the bathroom, so I asked her if she needed any help.

Lois:  “Help?  No, I don’t need any help!  If I ever get too old to change my own toilet paper roll then we’ve got serious problems!”

I laughed and said, “Okay, well I was just checking because it looked like you were having kind of a rough time with it…”

Lois:  “Yeah, well the problem that I’m having is remembering whether or not I like the paper to roll from the top or from the bottom, and if I put it in the wrong direction then it’s going to drive me completely nuts!  My husband used to make it go the wrong way all the time and it just about drove me CRAZY!”

Me:  “Well, which way did your husband have the toilet paper going?”

Lois:  “The dumb shit would turn it so the paper came from the bottom, and everyone in their right mind knows that the paper should ALWAYS come from the top!”

Me:  “Hmm…sounds to me like you may have found your answer, Lois…”

Lois:  “I did?!  Well how about that!  Wait…what were we talking about again?”

Me:  “Toilet paper.”

Lois:  “Oh yeah.  Boy, we really need to come up with some better topics for conversation, don’t we?”

Me:  “Yeah, I’ll work on that.”

Lois:  “Okay good.  Now, which way did we say that the toilet paper should go again…?

No Such Luck.

Dot went out clothes shopping with her daughters a couple of weeks ago, and when she came home she was just dying to show me what she bought.

Joe was napping in his chair, so we sneaked past him with her Nordstrom bags in tow.

Dot whispered, “Don’t tell Joe that I got new clothes.  He always hated it when I went shopping…”  I assured her that I wouldn’t say a word.

When we got back to her bedroom, Dot started to pull out each item and hold it up to herself, explaining which shirt she could match with which pants. It was very cute to see how excited she was about it all.  She specifically had to show me which outfit that she would be wearing to her grandson’s wedding.  Of course I ooh-ed and aah-ed over everything.

When she got to her last bag she said, “All that’s in here are my undergarments, and you’re probably not interested in seeing those…”

I replied, “Not unless you’re dying to show them to me.”

She giggled like a school-girl and said, “Well, there is one thing…”

The next thing I knew, Dot was holding up a pair of silky leopard print underwear.  That’s right, I said LEOPARD PRINT underwear.

My eyes got big and I said, “Wow!  Now those are something!”

“A girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do to keep her husband’s attention…”

I just about died from shock when she said that, and Dot laughed at the expression on my face.  That was when I heard Joe walk up behind me and say, “What’s going on in here…?”

Dot stuffed her underwear back in the bag and said, “Oh nothing…”

Joe craned his neck in the bedroom and said, “Looks to me like somebody did some shopping…”

Dot pointed at me and said, “SHE did it!”

Joe looked at me and I just smiled and said, “Yeah, it was time for me to go out and get my summer wardrobe.”

Joe smiled from ear to ear.  “Oh, ok…  Can one of you girls point me to the Loo?”

“It’s right behind you there, Joe.”  I said.

Joe:  “Funny, that’s exactly where the bathroom was in my other house…”

Dot and I both smiled at him and nodded.  We both knew that this was the same house he’d lived in for over forty years.

After he went into the bathroom, Dot said, “That was a close one!”

“It sure was.”  I said, as I tried to erase the image of the leopard print underwear from my brain.

No such luck.