White Chocolate Practicality.

“Family Feud” is a game show that has pretty much been around since the beginning of time.  Of course I have heard of the show, but I have never actually watched an entire episode until I began my job as a Care Manager for Ethel.  Since then I have been lucky enough to see at least two episodes back-to-back each weeknight that I make my visits, because Ethel absolutely loves it!

She especially loves the new host; the brilliant and always sharp-dressed comedian, Steve Harvey.  I’m pretty sure that she watches the show just to see Steve Harvey, in all of his shiny-bald-headed handsomeness, so that she can say in her quiet, raspy voice, “Isn’t that the most sharp dressed man you’ve ever seen?”  In fact, in one recent, riveting episode of Family Feud, they surveyed 100 women and asked them, “What would you like to do to the top of Steve Harvey’s bald head?”

I had just assisted the caregiver in getting Ethel safely onto the commode, and Ethel asked me to repeat the question to her because she didn’t hear it.  So I repeated, “They surveyed 100 women and asked them what they would like to do to the top of Steve Harvey’s head…”

Ethel got all giggly, and even covered her face with her hands before she said, “I would kiss it.”

I cracked up and said, “Kiss it?!  Really?”

She looked at me, her eyes wide with shock, and she said, “Of course!  Wouldn’t you?!”

Before I could answer, one of the family members gave, “Kiss it” as an answer, and wouldn’t you know that “Kiss it” was the #1 answer on the board?  Ethel looked at the TV, and then looked back at me, and said, “SEE?!”  I just held my hands up in self defense.

That is the day that I learned that there is no joking around when it comes to kissing Steve Harvey’s bald head.

But that is not the best Ethel/Family Feud story.

The best story began with the following survey question, and it was a question that made even Steve Harvey blush.  It went something like this:

“We surveyed 100 men and asked them, if they could choose, what would their favorite flavor be of edible underwear…?”

Thankfully Ethel had dozed off in her recliner during the survey question.

One of the Male Family Members hit the buzzer:  “Um…Cherry?”

Cherry was the #1 answer.

It quickly became apparent, that while the male members of the family had excellent flavor suggestions for edible underwear, the women were clueless.

Crazy Uncle Ted of the Melvin Family had started up the round with the #1 answer of Cherry and Daddy Melvin came up with the #2 answer, which was Strawberry.  Once it was time for Momma Melvin to offer an edible underwear flavor suggestion, she was clearly flabbergasted by the whole topic.

Momma Melvin:  “Beer.”

Steve Harvey:  “Beer?  As in…beer-flavored underwear?”

M.M:  “Men love their beer right?”

Steve Harvey:  “Mmmm Honey…what do you say you slip into a pair of Budweiser panties tonight?  Sweetie, nothing turns me on more than when you wear your Heineken-flavored drawers!”  Of course the audience laughed hysterically.

Steve Harvey:  “Show me ‘BEER’…”

X – Beer was NOT on the list of one of the popular answers on the survey.

Ethel woke up from her catnap when she heard the caregiver and I trying to control the volume of our laughter.

Ethel:  “What’s so funny?”

Me:  “We’re laughing at the show.  They asked a really strange question, and some of the answers are hilarious!”

Ethel started laughing without even knowing any of the details:  “Oh would you look at that sharp-dressed man!”

Me:  “He really does wear some beautiful clothes, doesn’t he?!”

Ethel grinned from ear to ear:  “Oh yes.”

………….Steve Harvey:  “We interviewed 100 men and asked them their favorite flavor of edible underwear…”

Ethel:  “Did he just say ‘edible underwear’…?”

Me:  “Yes, he sure did.”

Ethel:  “Oh my!”

Another female family member was being asked the question, and her answer was, “Chocolate.”

Ethel:  “Did she just say ‘chocolate’?  Eating a pair of underwear is bad enough, but you certainly wouldn’t want it to be BROWN, would you??”

The caregiver and I just about fell on the floor laughing.

Me:  “You make an excellent point Ethel.”

Ethel:  “Honey, when you get to my age, it’s all about being practical.”

……….Steve Harvey:  “Show me ‘CHOCOLATE’…”

Sure enough; Chocolate was #5, but it was labeled Chocolate/White.

Me:  “Chocolate is a popular flavor for underwear I guess, but at least it’s white chocolate.”

Ethel nodded in agreement:  “Yes, well white chocolate makes much more sense.  Plus it’s delicious!  I have a question though; do people eat underwear often…?”

I quickly pointed at the caregiver, and the caregiver pointed at me.  Since I’m the Care Manager, the responsibility fell on me.

Me:  “Ummm…well…ummmm…it’s more of a naughty kind of a thing…”

Ethel’s eyebrows went up:  “Oh?  Ohhhh.  Yes.  Of course it is.  That’s why the men know so much about it.”

Me:  “Exactly.”

The Basics of Teaching Farming.

JoeI watched “Lean on Me” with Joe and Dot this afternoon.  For those of you who may not have seen this movie, it is based on a true story, and it stars Morgan Freeman as a high school principal who is sent into the worst, most dangerous school in the New Jersey district.  His job is to whip the students and the teachers into shape, and to get the test scores up to par.  It’s one of my all-time favorite movies and I cry every single time I see it.  Joe enjoyed the movie as well, because when it was over he just couldn’t stop talking about school and teaching, etc.

For example, when I took Joe to the bathroom and got him seated comfortably on the pot, he said, “Well I’d better get this over with so I won’t be late for school.”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What grade are you in?”

Joe chuckled:  “No, no, no…you’ve got it all wrong.  I’m not a student; I’m a teacher.”

Me:  “Oh yeah, how could I forget?  Remind me again, which class do you teach?”

(Joe was never a teacher)

Joe:  “Oh this and that.  Farming mostly.”

Me:  “Yeah, I bet you’re a great teacher!”

Joe grinned:  “I do alright I guess.  Don’t get too many complaints.  Not much to teach anyhow.  I just tell them to dig a hole in the dirt and put a seed in there and cover it back up.”

Me:  “That about covers it, huh?”

Joe chuckled:  “Yup.”

Once I got him cleaned up and back on his feet, Joe looked in the toilet bowl and said, “That reminds me!  I’d better teach them about manure as well.”

A little later in the day…

Joe:  “School was sure a lot smaller when I went there…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  How many people were in your school?”

Joe:  “Oh…around 12 or so.”

Me:  “There were 12 people in your class?”

Joe burst into laughter:  “No, there were 12 people in my whole school!”

Me:  “WOW, that’s a small school all right!  Did you have lots of friends?”

Joe:  “Can’t say I had lots of friends, but I had as many as were there.  When there’s only a dozen people in your school you can’t be too picky!”

Funky Chicken.

JoeWhile I was getting Joe ready for bed last night, I discovered several morsels of chicken (leftover from dinner) wedged in his butt crack.

Me:  “Joe, may I ask you a question?”

Joe:  “Sure!”

Me:  “How did you manage to get chicken in your butt crack?”

Joe:  “What’s that you say??”

Me:  “There is chicken. In your butt crack. How did it get there?”

Joe:  “What the hell kind of question is that?!”

Me:  “It’s not so much of a question as it is an observation.”

Joe:  “Who invited you to observe my ass?”

Me:  “My boss. It’s part of my job description.”

Joe:  “Your job is to look at old men’s asses?”

Me:  “I wouldn’t phrase it quite that way but…Yes, I guess it is.”

Joe’s eyes got real big:  “Well that’s one Helluva deal!”

Me:  “Tell me about it.”

Joe:  “Now what was it we were talking about before?”

Me:  “I asked you how you got chicken in your butt crack.”

Joe chuckled:  “I guess I must’ve ran out of pockets!”

That’s Not Reese Witherspoon!

I was asked to do a fill-in shift today to care for an elderly couple, both in their 90’s, with dementia.  I will call them Wilma and Barney, and they are an adorable Jewish couple, originally from Boston.  Barney is the quiet and polite one, and Wilma has all the attitude in the world, but they are both just as sweet as can be.

All they really wanted was to watch movies all day and eat their meals and snacks in their recliners.  They love movies so much that their daughter made sure to get them like 1,000 channels on their giant flat-screen TV so that they would have plenty of variety.  We watched every kind of movie today; Romantic Comedies, Dramas, True Stories, Classics, you name it.  After dinner Wilma wanted to lay on her bed and watch TV in her room for a while, so I set her up with a Reese Witherspoon chick-flick and left to clean the kitchen.

About 15 minutes later, I went into Wilma’s bedroom to check on her and her eyes were as big as saucers.  That was when I looked at the TV just in time to see an extremely graphic sex scene, complete with nudity, a swimming pool, and the works.

I said, “Whoa!  That’s not Reese Witherspoon!” and dove for the remote control.

At some point within my 15 minutes of absence, the chick-flick had ended and Cinemax: After Dark was scheduled next.  It wasn’t even dark yet!

For those of you who may be wondering; Wilma did not even have access to the remote because I had left it on top of the TV and she’s not able to walk without assistance, so the fault was all mine for not checking the movie listings for that network.

After I quickly changed the channel to the most Rated G movie that I could find, Wilma shook her head, and said with her adorable East Coast accent:

“Thank Gwad ya came in here when ya did!   I’m not sure what happened, but all of a sudden folks were takin’ off all their clothes and…well…it just got real swassy (saucy), if you know what I mean.  Much too swassy for my taste.”

Oh, it was swassy all right!

Ice Cream Lady.

JoeJoe’s brother, Bart, and his wife, Maggi, stopped by the house tonight for a visit. While the old-timers were all chatting, I prepared them each a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce (Joe’s favorite) and delivered it to the living room.  I hadn’t noticed a major family resemblance between Joe and Bart until tonight, when both of their faces lit up exactly the same way when they eye-balled their ice cream.

Bart:  “Oh WOW!  Chocolate sauce and everything!  Thank you so much, Young Lady! You’re so lucky to get this kind of service, Joe…”

Joe grinned at me and then looked very serious when he explained to Bart, “I’m not sure who she is or why she’s here, but as long as she brings me ice cream once in a while she’s welcome to stay; I don’t ask questions…”

The Piggy-Back Ride.

JoeMe:  “Okay, I’m going to help you get up now so you can walk to your bedroom.”

Joe: “You want me to walk?”

Me:  “Yep.  I’d carry you, but I’m not quite strong enough.”

Joe:  “Are you sure, cuz I can hold on pretty tight!”

Me:  “I don’t think we’d get very far.”

Joe:  “But we’d be quite a sight, wouldn’t we?!”

Professional Back-Scratcher.

JoeI just finished my commute from Seattle to Portland via train to arrive at Joe and Dot’s house, where I was greeted with two great big smiles.

After we all chatted for a bit, I asked Joe if he needed anything.

Joe:  “Like what?”

Me:  “Like a glass of water or a snack?”

Joe:  “Nah, I think I’m alright.  There is one thing though…”

Me:  “Yeah? What’s that?”

Joe:  “Well see, I’ve got an itch on my back here…”

Me:  “Uh-oh…sounds like you need a back scratchin’.”

Joe:  “Yeah, I was thinking that you looked like someone who could do a pretty good job at that.”

Me:  “I do huh?”

Joe grinned:   “Yep.”

Me:  “Okay, turn around and I’ll scratch your back for ya.”

Joe:  “Now that’s what I call good service!”

Who’s Next?

joe_dotI was tucking Joe into bed last night and I asked him if he was warm enough.

Joe:  “Not quite…”

Me:  “Would you like another blanket?”

Joe:  “I don’t think we’ll need another blanket.  Once you crawl in beside me here, we’ll be plenty warm.”

I laughed:  “Well I won’t be crawling in bed beside you, so I’d better get you another blanket.”

Dot came in then to give Joe his goodnight kiss, as she does every night.  She puckered up her lips, closed her eyes, and moved in for the kiss.  Joe’s eyes got really big and he tried to cover his head under his blanket.

Dot:  “Don’t you wanna kiss me goodnight, Joe?”

Joe:  “Oh…is that you, Dot?”

Dot:  “Yes, it’s me!  Who else would be giving you a goodnight kiss?”

Joe:  “You were going to kiss me??”

Dot:  “Of course I was!  What’d you think I was trying to do?”

Joe:  “I was worried that you were going to bite me.”

Dot:  “I’m not going to bite you!  Now, do you want a goodnight kiss or not?”

Joe puckered up real quick, and Dot planted a big kiss on his lips.  Joe grinned from ear to ear, and then he looked at me and puckered up again.

Joe:  “Okay, who’s next…?”