Tag Archives: Lois the Fin

The Runaway.

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Lois the FinLois tried to “run away” in the middle of the night, using her bedside commode as a walker.  She didn’t get very far, since she could not figure out how to unlock the door.

Me:  “Where are you going, Lois?”

Lois:   “I’m gettin’ the hell out of here is where I’m goin!”

Me:   “You’re not going to get very far carrying your commode.   It’s really heavy.”

Lois:  “The WHAT?!”

Me:  “You’re trying to use your toilet as a walker, and it’s too heavy for you to push around.”

Lois:  “I just figured that I might need to use the toilet while I’m walking to Sylvia’s house.”(Sylvia is Lois’s long deceased sister.)

Me:  “How about we visit Sylvia tomorrow when there’s daylight, and you can be sure to use the bathroom before we go?”

Lois:  “Well, I’ll think about it.”

Then right there by the front door, Lois decided to use her commode.  As she was sitting on the pot, she smiled at me and said, “Boy, these portable toilets sure are handy!”

Me: “Yep, they sure are.”

Connect the Dots…

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Lois the FinThis has been one of the most difficult days with Lois that I’ve ever had.  Some days are just like that with folks who are suffering with dementia, and it’s sad.

At one point this afternoon, I escaped to the caregiver’s bedroom to take a breather from having to answer the SAME questions OVER and OVER and OVER again.  Of course she followed me into the bedroom, and just stood next to my bed glaring at me and scratching her butt with her hand down the back of her pants.

My patience was nearing an end when I said, “Lois.  Will you please not scratch your butt right next to my head at least?!”

Lois looked at me bewildered and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me:  “Lois, look at where your hand is right now.”

Lois pulled her hand out of her pants:   “It’s right here!”

Me:  “Okay, now look at where my head is.”

Lois looked confused for a moment, and then put her hand right back down her pants:  “I don’t see the connection.”

Welcome to my world.

Salty Thingamajigs.

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Lois the FinNothing like spending an hour putting together healthy Greek chicken pizza for our dinner (using the supplies that I paid for myself) just so that Lois can complain that it’s “okay, but I don’t know why you had to dump so much salt on it…”

I explained to her that the kalamata olives are what makes it salty, but that I used them sparingly, and the pizza is actually very healthy.

Lois:  “You can explain that to the doctor after I’ve had my heart attack from all of this salt.”

Me:  “I can make you something else…”

Lois:  “No, no, I’ve lived long enough anyhow.  Have you fed Baby?”

Me: “Yes, I put food out on the patio for her.”

Lois:  “You didn’t put any of those thingamajigs in her food, did ya?”

Me:   “No, of course not.”

Lois:  “Are you sure? Because she’s too young for a heart attack.”

Me:  “Yes, I’m sure.  I just gave her soft food.”

Lois:  “You didn’t pour a bunch of salt all over it, did you?”

Me:  “Lois…why would I add salt to Baby’s cat food?”

Lois:  “I was just making sure.”

Me:   “There are no salty thingamajigs on Baby’s food.”

Lois:   “Maybe I should trade her then.”

Ugh.

Tombstone.

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Lois the FinWhile I was tucking Lois into bed tonight she said, “You know, the other day I thought for sure I was a goner…”

Me:  “Why? What happened?”

Lois:  “I was just in so much pain and agony that I could hardly stand it!”

Me:  “That’s terrible, Lois! Did someone take you to the doctor?”

Lois:   “Well no, cuz it turned out that it was one of those sideways farts that was just jammed up in my belly, and once I was able to shake it out I felt a whole lot better.”

Me:  “Well I sure am glad that you were able to get it out! It’d be pretty terrible to live 94 years just to end up dying from a sideways fart.”

Lois cracked up:  “Imagine reading THAT tombstone!”

Whitney’s Here…

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Lois the FinI love it when I show up for work and the other caregiver says, “I’m going home now, Lois. Whitney’s here!”

Lois: “Who’s here?”

Me: “I’m here, Lois. It’s me, Whitney…”

Lois: “Oh Whitney! You’re the one that I like! You can tell that other lady to hit the road now.”

Other Caregiver: “Well I guess that’s my cue to leave…”

Night Lights.

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Lois the FinLois has little night lights plugged in all over her house so that she can see to get to the bathroom during the night.  Tonight she asked me to change the bulb in one of them because it had burned out.

At the same time that I was kneeling down to change the bulb, Lois turned to shuffle her way to the bathroom, and without any warning whatsoever, she began to expel what would end up being a minute and a half rocket-launcher of a fart.  She actually appeared to be hydro-planing down the hall in her fuzzy pink bathrobe.

Note to self:  Always make sure that Lois is at least 20 feet away from your person before you even think about crouching down to change a night light bulb…

Those God%#@* Coyotes!

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Lois the FinLois has continued to ask me about visiting her sister, Sylvia, who has been dead and buried for nearly ten years.  As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have used every tactic that I can think of to try to redirect her thoughts, but to no avail.  Finally, I had no choice but to break the news to her:

Me:  “Lois, I hate to be the one to tell you this…”

Lois snapped:  “Tell me what?!”

Me:  “Sylvia passed away about ten years ago…”

Lois was shocked:  “Did she get hit by a car?!”

I have no idea how Sylvia died, but I didn’t imagine that she was hit by a car so I said, “No.”

Lois:  “Did the wolves get her?”

Me:  “The wolves?  Ummm…that’s highly unlikely.”

Lois:  “It must’ve been the coyotes.  Those GODDAMNED coyotes!”

Me:  “I’m pretty sure that she died of old age, Lois.”

Lois laughed:  “She wasn’t old enough to die of old age!”

Me:  “She was in her 80’s.”

Lois:  “Who the HELL are you talking about?!”

Me:  “Your sister, Sylvia.”

Lois:  “What the HELL is the matter with you!  I wasn’t talking about my SISTER!  I was talking about my CAT!!”

Me:  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I must’ve misunderstood.  I didn’t know that you had a cat named Sylvia.”

Lois:  “I don’t!  My cat’s name is Baby!”

Me:  “Um…okay…so you want to go and visit Baby?  I’m sure that she’s outside if you want to call for her.”

Lois:  “She’s too far away.”

Me:  “She usually just hangs around the backyard.”

Lois:  “Baby is at Sylvia’s house.  I need to go to Sylvia’s house to pick Baby up and bring her home!”

Here we go again…

The Mack Truck.

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Lois the FinThis afternoon, Lois woke herself up from her nap with the most gigantic fart I’ve ever heard.This is what happened next:Lois: “Who is making all of the racket in there!”

Me: “Everything’s okay Lois, you can go back to sleep.”

Lois: “How the HELL do you expect me to go back to sleep when you’re making so much racket that it sounds like someone’s driving a Mack Truck through my living room?!”

Me: “Lois, do you want to know the truth about what woke you up?”

Lois: “Of course I want to know the truth and I demand an apology as well!”

Me: “Okay then, but you’re not going to like it…”

Lois: “Just tell me for heaven’s sake!”

Me: “You passed gas while you were sleeping and woke yourself up.”

Lois: “You mean…I’m the one who was making all the racket?!”

Me: “Yes it was you.”

Lois thought about it for a second and laughed: “Boy, that was a doozy!”

Me: “It was pretty impressive all right.”

Lois: “I guess I’m the one who owes you an apology!”

Me: “Oh it’s okay Lois, I’ve heard worse. I have brothers.”

Wolves.

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Lois the FinLois wandered around the house for two hours tonight searching for her crazy cat that completely ignores her. Of course she was wearing nothing but her little pink t-shirt, a pair of saggy Depends and her favorite fuzzy boot slippers.I tried to suggest that she at least wear her bathrobe and her response was: “Do you want me to die of heat stroke or something?!” It was in the 80’s outside today so I could see her point.

I tried to reason with her about flashing the neighbors and her response was: “I ain’t showin’ em nothin they haven’t seen before!”

That is also true.

Two hours later…

Lois: “I can’t find Baby!”

Me: “I know Lois, I’m sorry. I’m sure she’ll turn up soon.”

Lois: “Well the wolves probably got her.”

Me: “I’m sure she’s fine.”

Lois: “Oh no, those wolves gobbled her up! Either that or the coyotes…”

Me: “I’m sure she’s out there somewhere. I saw her at lunchtime.”

Lois: “Did she eat?”

Me: “Yes, she ate some of her soft food.”

Lois: “Oh good! I’m glad Baby got one last, tasty meal before the wild animals ate her for a snack.”

Baby came in an hour later for dinner. She waited until Lois stopped calling for her and then she creeped in and ate her food.

I guess the wolves will have to prey on some other old lady’s cat tonight…

Tall Trees and Shrubbery.

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Lois the FinLois just shuffled past my bedroom and she was wearing her little T-shirt and her cozy, pink slippers, but nothing else.

Me: “Do you need help with anything, Lois?”

Lois: “I was just going to look for a little snack.”

Me: “How about I fix you a snack.”

Lois: “Oh, that would be wonderful. Now I’d better go look for Baby.”

She opened the back door and started to call out for the cat.

Me: “Lois, don’t you think you ought to put on some pants?”

Lois looked down: “Well for Pete’s sake! Where’d my pants go?”

Me: “My guess would be in your bedroom…”

Lois giggled: “I gave the neighbors quite a show huh?”

Me: “You sure did!”

Lois: “Now where was I? Oh yeah, I’d better look for Baby…”

Still naked from the waste down, she opens the back door: “BABY? BABY!!”

This must be why God created tall trees and shrubbery.