Hollow Leg.

JoeAfter dinner tonight, I asked Joe if he’d had enough to eat.

Joe:  “Well…I don’t know…”

Dot:  “Oh you’ve had enough!  You ate all of your chicken and stuffing and salad and a big brownie.  You couldn’t possibly still be hungry!”

Joe:  “Well I don’t remember doing any of that.”

Dot:  “Well you did do that.”

Joe:  “Did you have enough to eat Dot?”

Dot:  “Yes!  I’m stuffed!”

Joe:  “Well I’m not sure what went wrong.  I could still eat something.”

Me:  “Wow Joe, you really must have a hollow leg tonight!”

Joe looked concerned:  “Oh god I hope not!  That sounds dangerous!”

The Rewards of Good Behavior.

JoeJoe and I were watching TV tonight when Dot went into her bedroom to start getting ready for bed.

Joe:  “Where’s Dot?”

Me:  “She’s getting ready for bed.”

Joe:  “Maybe I should go join her…”

Me:  “You think so huh?”

Joe:  “I don’t think she’d be opposed to me breaking into the bedroom.”

Me:  “Well, I don’t know about that.”

Joe laughed:  “Well I know about that, and I don’t think that she’ll have any reason to send me away.”

Me:  “You feel like you paid your dues today huh?”

Joe:  “Yep.  I was mostly good, and I was only ornery a couple of times, so that all evens out in my favor.”

Me:  “You’ve got a good point there.”

Joe:  “Although there’s a risk that she might see me breaking into her room as me being ornery…”

Me:  “That’s true, and that would tip the scales back a bit.”

Joe:  “Let me tell you something:  There’s a fine-line between me and that bed, and I have to tread it very carefully.”

Me:  “I’m sure you’re right about that, Joe.”

The Apple Tree.

joe_dotDot was telling me about her first crush, when she was in high school.  She said that he’d walk by her house everyday at the same time, so she’d go out to the apple tree closest to the road and pick apples just so that she could get a glimpse of him.  After a few months of flirtation via apple tree, the boy finally built up enough courage to walk up to her front door so that he could ask her parents for permission to ask Dot out on a date.

When Dot saw him walking up the steps toward the front door, of course she took off running toward the house so that she could eavesdrop on their conversation from the kitchen.

Dot’s dad answered the door.

Suitor:  “Good Afternoon Sir, I was wondering if it might be okay for me to take your daughter, Dot, out on a date sometime…?”

Dot’s Dad:  “No.”

Suitor:  “If you don’t mind Sir, would you mind telling me why not?”

Dot’s Dad cleared his throat:  “I’ll let her Mother explain it to you.”  He called for Dot’s mom to come to the front door.

Suitor:  “Good afternoon Ma’am, I was wondering if I might be able to ask your daughter, Dot, out on a date, and your husband told me ‘no’, and now he wants you to tell me why…?”

Dot’s parents gave each other a look like, “what should I say?”

Dot’s Mom:  “Well Son, you seem like a very sweet boy, but see…we are a Catholic family.”

Suitor:  “That’s ok, I like Catholics!”

Dot’s Mom:  “That’s very sweet of you to say.  But the problem is not whether or not you like Catholicism; the problem is that Catholic girls aren’t allowed to go out with Lutheran boys.”

Dot’s heart was crushed, and her Suitor looked like he wanted to cry.

Suitor:  “That just doesn’t seem right to me, but I will respect your wishes.”

Her suitor looked defeated as he walked back down the front steps, and poor little Dot went into her room and cried and cried.  She said that she never did discuss it with her parents; she just trusted that they knew what was best for her.

Me:  “Awww, that’s so sad!”

Dot:  “It just wasn’t meant to be.  I read in the paper a couple of weeks ago that he and his wife were celebrating their 60-something year anniversary, and they were celebrating it at the Lutheran Church, so apparently he went on to marry a nice Lutheran girl, and I went on to marry a nice Catholic boy, and that’s the way that it’s supposed to be.”  She patted Joe on the leg and said, “Isn’t that right, Joe?”

Joe laughed:  “All I know is that that guy must’ve thought that you really liked apples!”

Rise Up!

JoeWe’ve been having Joe take a nap after lunch lately because he just gets so worn out during the day.  Today he’s been acting super restless so I asked him if he wanted to get back up.

Joe:  “Sure, I’ll get up.”

Me:  “Okay, sit up on the edge of your bed and then Dot and I will help you to stand up.”

Joe:  “Okay.”

He didn’t budge.

Dot:  “Joe, do you want to get up or not?”

Joe:  “Sure, I’ll get up.”

Dot:  “Okay, get up then!”

He continued to lay there.

Dot:  “You keep saying that you wanna do something, but you can’t do anything until you get up from this bed!”

Joe:  “Alright, I’ll get up now.”

Nothing.

Dot looked at me and said:  “Here, you pull on his left arm and I’ll pull on the right.”

Joe grabbed hold of both of our hands, but instead of letting us help him he was pulling away from us.

Dot:  “How are we supposed to help you up if you pull away?”

Joe:  “I’m not pulling away.”

Dot:  “What are you doing then?”

Joe:  “I’m refusing to rise.”

Dot:  “How is that different from pulling away?”

Joe:  “It’s not.”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, you’re just impossible sometimes!”

Dot stormed out of the bedroom.  Joe looked at me, grinned from ear to ear, and then shrugged apologetically.

Joe:  “She wanted me to rise up, but I didn’t rise up.”

Me:  “I saw that.”

Joe:  “It’s just the way it goes sometimes, I guess.”

Germs.

JoeJoe and Dot ate the last of the crab that their son brought home from the Oregon Coast for lunch today.  When lunch was over, Dot told Joe to go wash his hands.

Joe:  “I don’t need to wash ’em.  They’re already clean!”

Dot:  “How could they be clean?  They have crab juice all over them!”

Joe:  “I washed them already.”

Dot:  “No you didn’t!  I was sitting right here.  I would know if you went to the sink and washed your hands.”

Joe:  “I didn’t go to the sink.”

Dot:  “I know you didn’t!  You need to go wash your hands at the sink now.  Go!”

Joe:  “I don’t need to go to the sink.  I washed my hands already.”

Dot:  “Oh yeah?  What’d you wash them with?”

Joe:  “I licked my fingers.”

Dot:  “You can’t just lick your fingers.  That’s not the same as washing them in the sink.”

Joe held up his hands:  “Look at my hands.  Do they look dirty to you?”

Dot:  “They don’t have to LOOK dirty to BE dirty.”

Joe cracked up:  “Shows how much you know.”

Dot:  “I know plenty about it.”

Joe:  “Okay then, it’s all settled.”

Dot:  “Yep, it will be all settled once you go to the sink and wash your hands!”

Joe:  “I don’t need to wash my hands.  I already licked ’em!”

2 out of 3.

joe_dotI just tucked Joe into bed for the night.  Dot likes to sit with him until he falls asleep, so I came back to the living room to give them some privacy.  Dot had turned the TV off, so unfortunately I did not have any noise to distract me from hearing their conversation.

Joe:  “You’re going to stay in here with me?”

Dot:  “Yes, is that okay with you?”

Joe:  “Well sure it’s okay!  Why don’t you close the door and come lay here beside me…”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, we’re too old for all that!”

Joe:  “Too old for what?”

Dot:  “We’re too old for THAT.”

Joe:  “Who’s too old?”

Dot:  “WE ARE!”

Joe:  “Speak for yourself!  I’m not too old!”

Dot:  “Oh you are too!”

Joe:  “I’m only 90.”

Dot:  “You’re 93.”

Joe:  “So what?”

Dot:  “So you’re too old.”

Joe:  “Why don’t you give me a chance to prove it to ya…”

Dot:  “That’s what you said the last time, so I gave you a chance and you didn’t do anything.”

Joe:  “When was that?”

Dot:  “Oh I don’t remember.  It’s was a while back.”

Joe:  “Well don’t you think it’s about time that we tried again?”

Dot:  “No.”

Joe:  “Can’t we try for 2 out of 3?”

Dot:  “No.”

Joe:  “Well you can’t say that I’m too old if you don’t even give me a chance to prove it to ya!”

Dot:  “Okay you’re not too old.”

Joe:  “That’s what I said!”

Dot:  “Goodnight Joe.”

Joe grinned:  “Goodnight Dot.”

Alcohol Content.

JoeWhile we were sitting at the table eating lunch today, I was telling Joe and Dot about meeting my friend Faith at Portland’s Bridgeport Brewery on Saturday for dinner.  Their son had brought them home some fresh crab from the Oregon Coast so Joe and Dot were both busy using a wrench to break open their crab legs while I was telling my story.

Me:  “They had the BEST beer there too!  It was called ‘Stumptown Tart’ and it’s a beer brewed with raspberries, blackberries and blueberries.”

Joe:  “What the hell is this?!”

Dot:  “It’s crab.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “Okay.”

Dot:  “Did the beer taste like fruit?”

Me:  “Well kind of.  I mean, I could taste the fruit but it wasn’t a sweet beer.”

Joe:  “Is this a rock?  Why are there rocks on my plate?!”

Dot:  “It’s not a rock.  It’s a crab.  It’s good.  Eat it.”

Joe:  “Oh crab, okay then.”

Dot:  “I’ve never had a fruity beer.”

Me:  “Oh it’s good, I’m sure you’d love it.”

Dot:  “We usually drink beer with our crab.”

Me:  “I think you’ve got some beer downstairs, would you like me to get one for you two to share?”

Dot:  “No, not now.  Maybe with dinner.”

Joe:  “Are we having rocks for dinner too?!”

Dot:  “No, we’re having beer.  And that’s not a ROCK!  It’s a crab.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, crab…”

Me:  “So yeah, it was pretty much the best beer I’ve ever had.”

Joe looked at me:  “What’s the alcohol content in it?”

Me:  “Alcohol content?  Oh, I think it was 7 percent or so.”

Joe:  “So like a beer then.”

Me:  “Yep, exactly like a beer.”

Joe:  “It’s easier to get drunk off of beer if you like the taste of it.”

Me:  “That’s very true, Joe.”

Joe:  “I mean, you can get drunk off of regular beer too, but it’s more fun to get drunk off of beer that tastes good.”

Dot:  “Joe!  Eat your crab.  It’s good.  Eat it!”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, crab…”

The News.

images

Joe: “What are we watching?”

Dot: “The news.”

Joe: “Huh?”

Dot: “The NEWS!!”

Joe looked at the TV and then looked at me with a concerned expression.

Me: “What’s the matter Joe?”

Joe shrugged: “Well see here… Dot says we’re watching ‘the nudes’ but all those people have their clothes on.”

I tried not to laugh: “I see that…hmm must be the wrong channel, I guess?”

Joe’s eyes lit up: “Yeah…maybe we should turn it back!”

The Right Stuff.

imagesJoe is pretty much confined to either his bed or his wheelchair these days, and he’s not happy about it!  Last night, he told me that he had to “take a leak” so I got his portable urinal ready for him.

Joe:  “What the hell is that thing?”

Me:  “It’s a urinal.”

Joe:  “Well, what am I supposed to do with it?”

Me:  “Well…you urinate in it.”

Joe:  “Urinate?”

Me:  “Yeah, you know, take a leak…”

Joe:  “Oh!  Oh yeah, that makes sense.  I don’t really need something fancy like this though.  Next time you could just bring me a coffee cup or something.”

Me:  “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind for next time…”

I helped him to get all situated, and then Dot came in the room.

Joe grinned:  “Well I guess I’ve got an audience now!”

Dot:  “We won’t look at you.  When I was in the nursing home, they tried to have me use a bed pan and then everyone just stood there and stared at me.  How are you supposed to go when people are staring at you?”

Joe:  “You didn’t use one of THESE things, Dot.”

Dot:  “Well, it was sort of like that…”

Joe laughed:  “Well no wonder you couldn’t go!  You don’t have the right stuff.”

Dot:  “The right stuff?”

Joe:  “Yeah, you know, the right equipment…to get the job done.”

Dot laughed:  “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

Joe giggled:  “And I oughta know…”

Dot:  “Huh?  What’d you say, Joe?”

Joe winked at me and smiled:  “Nothin.”

The Goodnight Kiss.

imagesDot was helping me get Joe all tucked into bed and when she leaned down to give him a kiss goodnight, she stumbled and just about landed on top of him.

Dot: “Whoa, I just about threw myself on you, Joe!”

Joe grinned from ear to ear, opened up his covers, and patted the tiny area of mattress next to him: “Come on in, the water’s fine…”