The Basics of Teaching Farming.

JoeI watched “Lean on Me” with Joe and Dot this afternoon.  For those of you who may not have seen this movie, it is based on a true story, and it stars Morgan Freeman as a high school principal who is sent into the worst, most dangerous school in the New Jersey district.  His job is to whip the students and the teachers into shape, and to get the test scores up to par.  It’s one of my all-time favorite movies and I cry every single time I see it.  Joe enjoyed the movie as well, because when it was over he just couldn’t stop talking about school and teaching, etc.

For example, when I took Joe to the bathroom and got him seated comfortably on the pot, he said, “Well I’d better get this over with so I won’t be late for school.”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What grade are you in?”

Joe chuckled:  “No, no, no…you’ve got it all wrong.  I’m not a student; I’m a teacher.”

Me:  “Oh yeah, how could I forget?  Remind me again, which class do you teach?”

(Joe was never a teacher)

Joe:  “Oh this and that.  Farming mostly.”

Me:  “Yeah, I bet you’re a great teacher!”

Joe grinned:  “I do alright I guess.  Don’t get too many complaints.  Not much to teach anyhow.  I just tell them to dig a hole in the dirt and put a seed in there and cover it back up.”

Me:  “That about covers it, huh?”

Joe chuckled:  “Yup.”

Once I got him cleaned up and back on his feet, Joe looked in the toilet bowl and said, “That reminds me!  I’d better teach them about manure as well.”

A little later in the day…

Joe:  “School was sure a lot smaller when I went there…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  How many people were in your school?”

Joe:  “Oh…around 12 or so.”

Me:  “There were 12 people in your class?”

Joe burst into laughter:  “No, there were 12 people in my whole school!”

Me:  “WOW, that’s a small school all right!  Did you have lots of friends?”

Joe:  “Can’t say I had lots of friends, but I had as many as were there.  When there’s only a dozen people in your school you can’t be too picky!”

Funky Chicken.

JoeWhile I was getting Joe ready for bed last night, I discovered several morsels of chicken (leftover from dinner) wedged in his butt crack.

Me:  “Joe, may I ask you a question?”

Joe:  “Sure!”

Me:  “How did you manage to get chicken in your butt crack?”

Joe:  “What’s that you say??”

Me:  “There is chicken. In your butt crack. How did it get there?”

Joe:  “What the hell kind of question is that?!”

Me:  “It’s not so much of a question as it is an observation.”

Joe:  “Who invited you to observe my ass?”

Me:  “My boss. It’s part of my job description.”

Joe:  “Your job is to look at old men’s asses?”

Me:  “I wouldn’t phrase it quite that way but…Yes, I guess it is.”

Joe’s eyes got real big:  “Well that’s one Helluva deal!”

Me:  “Tell me about it.”

Joe:  “Now what was it we were talking about before?”

Me:  “I asked you how you got chicken in your butt crack.”

Joe chuckled:  “I guess I must’ve ran out of pockets!”

Ice Cream Lady.

JoeJoe’s brother, Bart, and his wife, Maggi, stopped by the house tonight for a visit. While the old-timers were all chatting, I prepared them each a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce (Joe’s favorite) and delivered it to the living room.  I hadn’t noticed a major family resemblance between Joe and Bart until tonight, when both of their faces lit up exactly the same way when they eye-balled their ice cream.

Bart:  “Oh WOW!  Chocolate sauce and everything!  Thank you so much, Young Lady! You’re so lucky to get this kind of service, Joe…”

Joe grinned at me and then looked very serious when he explained to Bart, “I’m not sure who she is or why she’s here, but as long as she brings me ice cream once in a while she’s welcome to stay; I don’t ask questions…”

The Piggy-Back Ride.

JoeMe:  “Okay, I’m going to help you get up now so you can walk to your bedroom.”

Joe: “You want me to walk?”

Me:  “Yep.  I’d carry you, but I’m not quite strong enough.”

Joe:  “Are you sure, cuz I can hold on pretty tight!”

Me:  “I don’t think we’d get very far.”

Joe:  “But we’d be quite a sight, wouldn’t we?!”

Who’s Next?

joe_dotI was tucking Joe into bed last night and I asked him if he was warm enough.

Joe:  “Not quite…”

Me:  “Would you like another blanket?”

Joe:  “I don’t think we’ll need another blanket.  Once you crawl in beside me here, we’ll be plenty warm.”

I laughed:  “Well I won’t be crawling in bed beside you, so I’d better get you another blanket.”

Dot came in then to give Joe his goodnight kiss, as she does every night.  She puckered up her lips, closed her eyes, and moved in for the kiss.  Joe’s eyes got really big and he tried to cover his head under his blanket.

Dot:  “Don’t you wanna kiss me goodnight, Joe?”

Joe:  “Oh…is that you, Dot?”

Dot:  “Yes, it’s me!  Who else would be giving you a goodnight kiss?”

Joe:  “You were going to kiss me??”

Dot:  “Of course I was!  What’d you think I was trying to do?”

Joe:  “I was worried that you were going to bite me.”

Dot:  “I’m not going to bite you!  Now, do you want a goodnight kiss or not?”

Joe puckered up real quick, and Dot planted a big kiss on his lips.  Joe grinned from ear to ear, and then he looked at me and puckered up again.

Joe:  “Okay, who’s next…?”

The Cherry Tree.

joe_dotWe were sitting at the table eating breakfast, when I felt Joe’s eyes on me.  I looked over at him and he was just grinning ear to ear.

Me:  “You look like you’re in a pretty good mood today, Joe!”

Joe:  “Yep, I guess so.”

Me:  “I bet it’s because you’re wearing your red shirt.  You look really handsome in red.”

Dot:  “Red has always been a good color on him.”

Joe:  “What’s so good about it?”

Me:  “It brightens up your cheeks.”

Joe:  “What good does that do me?”

Dot:  “We’re the ones who have to look at you, and you look good in RED!  Now, eat your breakfast.”

Joe:  “Does it make me look taller?”

Dot:  “Huh?”

Joe:  “Does my red shirt make me look taller?”

Dot:  “Oh for heaven’s sake…”

Me:  “I think it makes you look taller, Joe.”

Joe’s eyes lit up:  “Well if it makes me look taller, then maybe I’ll have a better chance of picking a cherry from the cherry tree!”

Dot:  “We don’t have a cherry tree.”

Joe:  “But if we DID have a cherry tree; when I wear this red shirt then I’ll be taller, and I can pick cherries.”

Me:  “You’re right, Joe.  You’d be tall enough to pick the cherries AND you’d look very handsome while doing so.”

Joe beamed:  “See Dot, I told you so.”

Dot:  “I think maybe you’d better not wear red anymore.  It gives you a big head…”

Joe:  “No Dot, see my head only looks bigger because my red shirt makes me look so much taller.”

The Runaway.

Lois the FinLois tried to “run away” in the middle of the night, using her bedside commode as a walker.  She didn’t get very far, since she could not figure out how to unlock the door.

Me:  “Where are you going, Lois?”

Lois:   “I’m gettin’ the hell out of here is where I’m goin!”

Me:   “You’re not going to get very far carrying your commode.   It’s really heavy.”

Lois:  “The WHAT?!”

Me:  “You’re trying to use your toilet as a walker, and it’s too heavy for you to push around.”

Lois:  “I just figured that I might need to use the toilet while I’m walking to Sylvia’s house.”(Sylvia is Lois’s long deceased sister.)

Me:  “How about we visit Sylvia tomorrow when there’s daylight, and you can be sure to use the bathroom before we go?”

Lois:  “Well, I’ll think about it.”

Then right there by the front door, Lois decided to use her commode.  As she was sitting on the pot, she smiled at me and said, “Boy, these portable toilets sure are handy!”

Me: “Yep, they sure are.”

Connect the Dots…

Lois the FinThis has been one of the most difficult days with Lois that I’ve ever had.  Some days are just like that with folks who are suffering with dementia, and it’s sad.

At one point this afternoon, I escaped to the caregiver’s bedroom to take a breather from having to answer the SAME questions OVER and OVER and OVER again.  Of course she followed me into the bedroom, and just stood next to my bed glaring at me and scratching her butt with her hand down the back of her pants.

My patience was nearing an end when I said, “Lois.  Will you please not scratch your butt right next to my head at least?!”

Lois looked at me bewildered and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me:  “Lois, look at where your hand is right now.”

Lois pulled her hand out of her pants:   “It’s right here!”

Me:  “Okay, now look at where my head is.”

Lois looked confused for a moment, and then put her hand right back down her pants:  “I don’t see the connection.”

Welcome to my world.

Salty Thingamajigs.

Lois the FinNothing like spending an hour putting together healthy Greek chicken pizza for our dinner (using the supplies that I paid for myself) just so that Lois can complain that it’s “okay, but I don’t know why you had to dump so much salt on it…”

I explained to her that the kalamata olives are what makes it salty, but that I used them sparingly, and the pizza is actually very healthy.

Lois:  “You can explain that to the doctor after I’ve had my heart attack from all of this salt.”

Me:  “I can make you something else…”

Lois:  “No, no, I’ve lived long enough anyhow.  Have you fed Baby?”

Me: “Yes, I put food out on the patio for her.”

Lois:  “You didn’t put any of those thingamajigs in her food, did ya?”

Me:   “No, of course not.”

Lois:  “Are you sure? Because she’s too young for a heart attack.”

Me:  “Yes, I’m sure.  I just gave her soft food.”

Lois:  “You didn’t pour a bunch of salt all over it, did you?”

Me:  “Lois…why would I add salt to Baby’s cat food?”

Lois:  “I was just making sure.”

Me:   “There are no salty thingamajigs on Baby’s food.”

Lois:   “Maybe I should trade her then.”

Ugh.

The Leaky Pipe.

JoeI took Joe to the bathroom so that he could do a “stand up job”. I have to hold him up so that he doesn’t fall during the process, and when I didn’t hear anymore tinkle sounds I asked him if he was all finished.

Joe:  “It seems like it’s done draining, as far as I can tell…”

About the time he finished his sentence, I heard some more tinkle sounds.

Joe:  “Whoops!  Looks like we’ve got a leaky pipe!”