The Bathroom Expert.

JoeI love it when I am trying to help Joe in the bathroom, and I say, “Alright Joe, I’m going to help you pull your pants down now…”

Joe:   “What the hell are you gonna pull my pants down for?”

Me:  “Because you’ve kinda gotta pull your pants down before you sit on the toilet…”

Joe:  “What are you…some kind of expert or something?!”

Me:   “I guess so, yes.”

Joe:   “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that you’re going to help me take my penis out and point it in the right direction.”

Me:  “Actually, you’re on your own with that one.”

Joe:  “You’re not such an expert anymore are ya?”

Me:   “Nope, that is most definitely NOT my area of expertise.”

The Eagle.

JoeJoe’s brother, Bart, was here visiting earlier today.  When he was on his way out the door, he looked at me, cracked up and said, “are you an eagle or something?”  I just giggled and shrugged my shoulders.  I was totally baffled by his comment, but I wasn’t offended because I’ve certainly been called worse.

It took me a good hour before I realized that I was wearing an American Eagle t-shirt that said “EAGLE” in bold letters right across the front.

Bart – 1
Me – 0

Tiger? What Tiger?

imagesToday I watched “Life of Pi” with Joe (who slept through the entire thing) and Dot (who only slept through part of it).  Before I start any movie I always give Joe and Dot a brief summary of what it is going to be about.  I described “Life of Pi” as being about a shipwrecked teenager who has to figure out how to survive on a lifeboat with a tiger.  Joe and Dot thought that it sounded pretty interesting, so we went with it.

When the movie was over, I asked Dot what she thought:

Dot:  “Well, it was okay…but I was waiting to see the tiger.”

Me:  “You didn’t notice the tiger?”

Dot:  “No, I didn’t notice it.  Which scene was it in?”

Me:  “The tiger is pretty much in every scene.”

Dot:  “Oh well.  I guess you put the wrong movie in huh?”

Me:  “Bummer.  I guess I did.”

(I didn’t.)

A little while later she asked, “What did the tiger look like?”

Me:  “It’s a large orange cat with black stripes…”

Dot:  “OH!  THAT was the tiger?!  I thought that was an elephant.”

Me:  “Nope.  It was a tiger.”

Dot:  “It looked an awful lot like an elephant though didn’t it…?”

Me:  “Um…not really.  It pretty much looked exactly like a tiger.”

Dot laughed:  “I guess you should wear your glasses next time huh?”

Me:  “Yeah, I guess I should.”

(I don’t wear glasses.)

Dog Food for Supper.

joe_dotIt was extremely hot yesterday, so Dot suggested that I make something “cool” for supper.  When I looked in the refrigerator, I noticed that there were three large pieces of steak that were leftover from the BBQ that Dot attended with her daughters the night before, so I decided to make steak salad for supper.

Once I got both Joe and Dot seated at the dinner table, I poured each of them a glass of wine, and then I set their plates in front of them.  I had made fresh ranch dressing, so I poured a bit of it onto Joe’s salad, and he started digging in.  I notice that Dot was just sort of staring at her plate with a bewildered expression for a moment, but soon enough she was chowing down as well.

After we had all cleaned our plates, and I had served Joe and Dot their brownies and ice cream for dessert, Dot asked me where I got the steak.

Me:  “The steak was wrapped up in tin foil in the fridge.  It was your leftovers from the BBQ last night.”

Dot:  “Oh, I was wondering where it came from!  Now I remember…Julie (Joe and Dot’s oldest daughter) didn’t eat all of her steak, so she sent it home with me so that I could feed it to the dog!”

Me:  “Well I did feed the dog the scraps that were leftover.”

Dot:  “Oh well, it doesn’t matter.  Just don’t tell Julie…”

Me:  “Don’t tell Julie that I fed you guys dog food for supper?”

Dot:  “Yes, don’t tell her that.”

Joe:  “We had WHAT for supper?!?!”

 

Suit Yourself.

Lois the FinI got Lois all set up at the table for dinner this evening before I finished unloading the groceries from my car.  When I returned to the kitchen to join Lois for a meal a few minutes later, I made a startling discovery.  Lois was sitting at the kitchen table, happily drinking her strawberry milkshake…in the nude.

Me:  “Um…Lois?”

Lois:  “Huh?”

Me:  “Where are your clothes?”

Lois:  “I took ’em off.”

Me:  “I see that.  Where did you put your clothes?”

Lois:  “I got too hot so I took them all off and threw them out the window.”

I looked out the window, and sure enough, there were Lois’ clothes scattered all over the place.  The best part was her bra was hanging off of the hedge that separates her house from her neighbor’s house.

Lois:  “Are you going to join me for dinner?”

Me:  “I’m actually not very hungry at the moment.  I think I’ll wait a while.”

Lois:  “You’re probably just too hot.  You can take your clothes off too if you want.”

Me:  “That’s okay, I’d prefer to keep my clothes on.”

Lois said, “Suit yourself” before she dove back into her cheeseburger.

The Neighborhood Marsupial.

Lois the FinI’m taking care of Lois tonight, and as usual she spent a solid hour calling for her cat, Baby, before bed.  This time Baby actually came into the house and circled around Lois’s legs, meowing and purring, and Lois talked to her and fed her and everything.

As I was tucking Lois into bed, I told her that I was so happy that she got to love on Baby for a while.  Lois looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I never saw Baby tonight!”

Me:  “You actually pet Baby and fed her and talked to her for about 15 minutes tonight, Lois.”

Lois:  “Oh no, you’re mistaken.  Baby got eaten up by wolves this morning.”

Me: “Well that’s too bad.  Who were you loving on in the kitchen earlier then…?”

Lois:  “Oh that was the neighborhood marsupial.”

Me:   “Marsupial?”

Lois:  “Yeah, you know, the skunk!”

Me:  “I didn’t realize that there was an official neighborhood skunk…”

Lois laughed:  “You probably just mistook him for a cat.  Don’t feel bad; it happens to everybody.”

Guardian Angel.

JoePoor Joe just looks terrible today.  He had a bad fall last night that put him in the ER for stitches on the bridge of his nose, and the right side of his face is very swollen and bruised (see previous post).

When I woke him up for his bed bath this morning, I was curious to see if he had any memory of his fall so I said, “Whoa Joe, what happened to your face?”

Joe looked really serious:  “Some idiot ran a stop sign!”

Me:  “That’s terrible!  So…you were in a car accident?”

Joe:  “Yes I was, but I wasn’t driving.  The dumbass who was driving MY car just about got us killed!  I sure as hell won’t be riding with THAT GUY ever again!”

Me:  “I don’t blame you!  That sounds pretty rough.”

Joe got teared up:  “But thank God the kids are okay…”

Me:  “Oh yeah, the kids are just fine.  You did a good job making sure that they had their seat belts on.  You’re a good Dad, Joe.”

Joe’s bottom lip trembled:  “I’m so happy about that.  We were very lucky.”

I patted him on the shoulder:  “Yes you were very lucky.  Everyone is going to be okay, Joe.  Your face is bruised up pretty good, but soon enough you’ll be good as new.  You must have had an angel looking after you huh?”

Joe grinned:  “Yes I did.  I really did!”

The Other Guy.

JoeAs a caregiver, there is nothing worse than when a client falls and hurts themselves on your watch.  Yesterday evening, while I was taking dinner out of the oven and Dot was making a phone call, Joe got up from his recliner on his own and somehow ended up falling face first on the bricks around the fireplace.  Of all of the places that Joe could fall in the entire house; this was by far the worst!

The poor guy got a cut on his nose from the bridge of his glasses, as well as a nasty shiner under his right eye.  I called 911 immediately, and they determined that they needed to take him to the ER because he needed some X-rays and a few stitches on his nose.  Interestingly enough, when the paramedics were asking Joe questions to determine whether or not he may have had a concussion, Joe was answering each question with complete clarity.  It was as if having his brain jarred on the brick floor momentarily knocked out the dementia.  He told them his full name, where he lives, his address, the day of the week, everything!

When the paramedics asked him how he ended up on the floor, Joe said, “It was the darndest thing!  One minute I was standing and the next minute I was belly-up on the concrete.”

Paramedic:  “Where do you hurt?”

Joe:  “Well, let’s see…  My nose is bleeding like a stuck pig for one thing, and being that I can’t open my eye, I’m guessing that I have a pretty nasty shiner…”

Paramedic:  “Yeah, you’re pretty banged up all right.”

Joe chuckled:  “You should see the other guy!”

Joe’s Hallucinations.

JoeJoe has been hallucinating all night and all day today.  When he is hallucinating, he usually lays flat on his back and talks to the ceiling, and it’s nearly impossible to get him back to reality; we just have to keep him safe in bed and let the hallucinations run their course.

Last night he was having an imaginary conversation with his brother, Bart.  First they were planning to go on a hunting trip, then they were loading a flat bed truck with feed bags.  At around 3am he was hollering to Bart that he needed to “go out to the garage and unload that hog from Grandma’s rig!”

I sleep in the same room with Joe, so I talked to him from my bed and said, “Joe, what are you hollering about?”

Joe:  “Huh…?  Oh, well see, Bart left the hog in the garage and it’s bleeding all over the place!”

Me:  “Bart already unloaded the hog so there’s nothing to worry about.”

Joe:  “How do you know?”

Me:  “Because he told me.”

Joe:  “Oh he did?  Well sorry for hollering at you Bart!”

Me:  “Bart says he forgives you.”

This afternoon, Joe was still hallucinating in his bedroom and I was listening to him through the baby monitor that we have out in the living room so that I could hear him if he tried to get up out of bed on his own.

He was mostly just talking jibberish, but all of a sudden he shouted out, “Hey!  Hey you!  You got any Viagra?”

I went back to his bedroom and asked him if everything was okay.

Joe grinned:  “I’m just making arrangements to get my hands on some Viagra.”

Me:  “You think you need some Viagra huh?”

Joe:  “Well I don’t think I need it, but I think that Dot might enjoy it, if you know what I mean…”

I laughed:  “Yes, I know what you mean.”

Joe:  “Okay, well go ahead and send Dot in.  Tell her I’ll be awaitin’ for her…”

Me:  “I’ll be sure to do that.”

Joe:  “Oh shit, what are you doing here Bart?  Well it’s really not a good time for us to go hunting Bart.  Why?  Well I’ll tell you why…I just took a Viagra!”

I figured that was my cue to exit.

 

Those God%#@* Coyotes!

Lois the FinLois has continued to ask me about visiting her sister, Sylvia, who has been dead and buried for nearly ten years.  As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have used every tactic that I can think of to try to redirect her thoughts, but to no avail.  Finally, I had no choice but to break the news to her:

Me:  “Lois, I hate to be the one to tell you this…”

Lois snapped:  “Tell me what?!”

Me:  “Sylvia passed away about ten years ago…”

Lois was shocked:  “Did she get hit by a car?!”

I have no idea how Sylvia died, but I didn’t imagine that she was hit by a car so I said, “No.”

Lois:  “Did the wolves get her?”

Me:  “The wolves?  Ummm…that’s highly unlikely.”

Lois:  “It must’ve been the coyotes.  Those GODDAMNED coyotes!”

Me:  “I’m pretty sure that she died of old age, Lois.”

Lois laughed:  “She wasn’t old enough to die of old age!”

Me:  “She was in her 80’s.”

Lois:  “Who the HELL are you talking about?!”

Me:  “Your sister, Sylvia.”

Lois:  “What the HELL is the matter with you!  I wasn’t talking about my SISTER!  I was talking about my CAT!!”

Me:  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I must’ve misunderstood.  I didn’t know that you had a cat named Sylvia.”

Lois:  “I don’t!  My cat’s name is Baby!”

Me:  “Um…okay…so you want to go and visit Baby?  I’m sure that she’s outside if you want to call for her.”

Lois:  “She’s too far away.”

Me:  “She usually just hangs around the backyard.”

Lois:  “Baby is at Sylvia’s house.  I need to go to Sylvia’s house to pick Baby up and bring her home!”

Here we go again…