Crop-Dusting.

joe_dotDot suddenly shot up from the couch in the middle of her favorite celebrity gossip show “Extra“, and she hobbled her way toward the bathroom.  As Dot marched past Joe and I, an incredibly loud and continuous burst of gas bellowed out behind her.  Even so, she did not seem amused when Joe called out, “Hurry Dot…Hurry!”

Once Dot was in the bathroom, Joe turned to me and said, “That there is what happens when you grow up on a farm…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What do you mean?”

Joe:  “Well see…Dot grew up on a farm, and that’s why she knows the importance of crop-dusting.

I laughed:  “You noticed that huh?”

Joe laughed:  “Hard not to notice when she goes breezing past ya like that without so much as a how-do-ya-do.”

Me:  “It’s probably best not to mention it to Dot though, okay?  I’m pretty sure that she thinks that we didn’t notice.”

Joe:  “Oh I’m not gonna say anything to her about it!  She may have crop-dusted the place, but she’s STILL a lady!”

The Neighborhood Marsupial.

Lois the FinI’m taking care of Lois tonight, and as usual she spent a solid hour calling for her cat, Baby, before bed.  This time Baby actually came into the house and circled around Lois’s legs, meowing and purring, and Lois talked to her and fed her and everything.

As I was tucking Lois into bed, I told her that I was so happy that she got to love on Baby for a while.  Lois looked at me like I was crazy and said, “I never saw Baby tonight!”

Me:  “You actually pet Baby and fed her and talked to her for about 15 minutes tonight, Lois.”

Lois:  “Oh no, you’re mistaken.  Baby got eaten up by wolves this morning.”

Me: “Well that’s too bad.  Who were you loving on in the kitchen earlier then…?”

Lois:  “Oh that was the neighborhood marsupial.”

Me:   “Marsupial?”

Lois:  “Yeah, you know, the skunk!”

Me:  “I didn’t realize that there was an official neighborhood skunk…”

Lois laughed:  “You probably just mistook him for a cat.  Don’t feel bad; it happens to everybody.”

Nuns.

imagesI watched “Sister Act” with Joe and Dot this afternoon, or I guess I should say that I watched it while both Joe and Dot enjoyed their daily head-bobbing naps in their chairs.

During one of the infamous choir scenes, Joe woke up, his eyes got big and he said, “My god, that’s A HELLUVA LOT of Nuns!”

Me: “Yep, it’s a-whole-lotta-nuns all right.”

Later in the movie, Joe woke up during a scene where Whoopi Goldberg was out of her nun costume and wearing an enormous, 80’s, afro-wig.

Joe said, “Do you think that lady knows that a giant yak up and died on her head?”

Me: “If not, I’m sure she’ll figure it out soon enough.”

Joe: “Once it gets too heavy for her neck to hold it up she’ll put it back out to pasture.”

Me: “I’m sure you’re right about that, Joe.”

Horse Pedicures.

JoeJoe:  “What the hell happened to your toenails?”

Me:  “They’re painted.”

Joe:  “You mean to tell me that you did that to yourself, on purpose?!”

Me:  “Actually, I paid someone to paint them for me.”

Joe: “Oh Hogwash!  Next time you want to get your toes that color just go out to any old farm and let the horses stomp on your feet!  That’d get the job done a whole lot cheaper.”

Me: “Thanks Joe, I’ll keep that in mind.”

Awkward.

JoeThe worst time for a client to have a lucid moment is when you are giving them a bed bath, and while you are washing their private parts (with gloves and a wash cloth of course) they look at you suspiciously and say, “Ummm…excuse me?  What are you doing…?”  This happened this morning with Joe, and when I explained to him that I was getting him cleaned up and ready for the day he did not appear convinced.

Guardian Angel.

JoePoor Joe just looks terrible today.  He had a bad fall last night that put him in the ER for stitches on the bridge of his nose, and the right side of his face is very swollen and bruised (see previous post).

When I woke him up for his bed bath this morning, I was curious to see if he had any memory of his fall so I said, “Whoa Joe, what happened to your face?”

Joe looked really serious:  “Some idiot ran a stop sign!”

Me:  “That’s terrible!  So…you were in a car accident?”

Joe:  “Yes I was, but I wasn’t driving.  The dumbass who was driving MY car just about got us killed!  I sure as hell won’t be riding with THAT GUY ever again!”

Me:  “I don’t blame you!  That sounds pretty rough.”

Joe got teared up:  “But thank God the kids are okay…”

Me:  “Oh yeah, the kids are just fine.  You did a good job making sure that they had their seat belts on.  You’re a good Dad, Joe.”

Joe’s bottom lip trembled:  “I’m so happy about that.  We were very lucky.”

I patted him on the shoulder:  “Yes you were very lucky.  Everyone is going to be okay, Joe.  Your face is bruised up pretty good, but soon enough you’ll be good as new.  You must have had an angel looking after you huh?”

Joe grinned:  “Yes I did.  I really did!”

The Other Guy.

JoeAs a caregiver, there is nothing worse than when a client falls and hurts themselves on your watch.  Yesterday evening, while I was taking dinner out of the oven and Dot was making a phone call, Joe got up from his recliner on his own and somehow ended up falling face first on the bricks around the fireplace.  Of all of the places that Joe could fall in the entire house; this was by far the worst!

The poor guy got a cut on his nose from the bridge of his glasses, as well as a nasty shiner under his right eye.  I called 911 immediately, and they determined that they needed to take him to the ER because he needed some X-rays and a few stitches on his nose.  Interestingly enough, when the paramedics were asking Joe questions to determine whether or not he may have had a concussion, Joe was answering each question with complete clarity.  It was as if having his brain jarred on the brick floor momentarily knocked out the dementia.  He told them his full name, where he lives, his address, the day of the week, everything!

When the paramedics asked him how he ended up on the floor, Joe said, “It was the darndest thing!  One minute I was standing and the next minute I was belly-up on the concrete.”

Paramedic:  “Where do you hurt?”

Joe:  “Well, let’s see…  My nose is bleeding like a stuck pig for one thing, and being that I can’t open my eye, I’m guessing that I have a pretty nasty shiner…”

Paramedic:  “Yeah, you’re pretty banged up all right.”

Joe chuckled:  “You should see the other guy!”

My Sandwich.

JoeI love it when I’m at work and by the time I sit down to eat my lunch, Joe and Dot have already finished eating theirs, only Joe doesn’t remember eating his lunch, so when I step away to pour myself a glass of water, Joe helps himself to my sandwich…

Tombstone.

Lois the FinWhile I was tucking Lois into bed tonight she said, “You know, the other day I thought for sure I was a goner…”

Me:  “Why? What happened?”

Lois:  “I was just in so much pain and agony that I could hardly stand it!”

Me:  “That’s terrible, Lois! Did someone take you to the doctor?”

Lois:   “Well no, cuz it turned out that it was one of those sideways farts that was just jammed up in my belly, and once I was able to shake it out I felt a whole lot better.”

Me:  “Well I sure am glad that you were able to get it out! It’d be pretty terrible to live 94 years just to end up dying from a sideways fart.”

Lois cracked up:  “Imagine reading THAT tombstone!”

Whitney’s Here…

Lois the FinI love it when I show up for work and the other caregiver says, “I’m going home now, Lois. Whitney’s here!”

Lois: “Who’s here?”

Me: “I’m here, Lois. It’s me, Whitney…”

Lois: “Oh Whitney! You’re the one that I like! You can tell that other lady to hit the road now.”

Other Caregiver: “Well I guess that’s my cue to leave…”