Can’t Blame a Guy for Tryin’

You’d think that after more than a decade of helping elderly folks take a shower, I would know how to complete the process without occasionally getting soaking wet.  Joe offered a solution this morning:

Joe:  “Well, you may as well just come on in here with me.”

Me:  “I don’t think so, Joe.”

Joe:  “Why the hell not?  You’re getting all soaking wet anyway.”

Me:  “Well, for one thing, there’s not enough room.”

Joe grinned:  “I’m sure I could scoot over a bit for ya.”

Me:  “As much as I appreciate the offer, I just can’t take you up on it this time, Joe.”

Joe winked:  “Well, alright then.  Can’t blame a guy for trying’.”

I laughed:  “Nope, not at all.”

The Toilet.

Joe looked over at me last night and asked Dot: “Who’s that over there?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She’s the girl who’s taking care of you.”

Joe: “Well I don’t need anyone taking care of me.”

Dot: “You do too! Yesterday, you thought the shower was a toilet and you tried to go to the bathroom in it!”

Joe was shocked: “Is that right?! Well, by God I guess I could use some help then!!”

The Caveman.

I helped Joe with his shower this morning, got him dressed and seated at the table for breakfast. When I left the room to get the laundry started, I heard Joe ask Dot: “Who is that girl?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She helps take care of you.”

Joe: “Do I know her?”

Dot: “Yes, you do. She’s been working here for quite a while.”

Joe: “Well I don’t need any help.”

Dot: “Yes you do. How do you think you’d take a shower and get dressed if she didn’t help you…?”

Joe chuckled: “Oh I think I’d manage all right. How do you think the cavemen did it?”

Dot: “You’re not a caveman.”

Joe: “How do you know?”

Dot: “Because I know. For starters, you cut your hair and shave your face.”

Joe: “Well that just makes me a good lookin’ caveman.”

Dot: “Plus she helps you when you have an accident in your pants.”

Joe giggled: “How the hell do I have an accident in my pants? Are there a couple of cars in there that I don’t know about?”

Dot: “Not that kind of accident.”

Joe: “I don’t know why I ask you about stuff. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dot: “I know more than you.”

Joe: “No you don’t.”

Dot: “Yes I do.”

That was my cue to intervene. I walked into the kitchen and said, “Am I going to have to separate you two?”

Joe cracked up and pointed at Dot: “She started it…”

Who is that girl?

Joe essentially has no short term memory at all, so he never remembers my name, and if I leave the room for a few minutes and come back, he is totally surprised to see me.

Lately he has been talking about me a lot behind my back, but of course I can always hear him.  The conversation goes like this:

Joe:  “Who is that girl?”

Dot:  “She takes care of you.  Her name is Whitney.”

Joe:  “What do you mean, ‘she takes care of me’?”

Dot:  “Well, she helps you with stuff…”

Joe:  “What stuff?”

Dot:  “Like getting dressed and taking a shower.  She cooks for us too!”

Joe:  (defiantly)  “Well I don’t need any help.  She should be helping YOU!  You’re the one walking around all crippled up with a cane…”

Dot:  “Yeah, well…she helps both of us.”

Joe:  “Well I still don’t like it…not one bit!”

Dot:  “You should be thankful, Joe!  If it wasn’t for Whitney, you wouldn’t get to have any ice cream…or cookies!”

Joe:  (shocked)  “Is that right?”

Dot:  “Yes.  She spoils you.”

Joe:  “Well, I guess we’d better keep her on the payroll then…”

The Doorbell.

I was helping Joe get into the shower the other day, and he was so confused as to why he had to take his clothes off.

Joe:  “But…if I take my underwear off, I’ll be naked.

Me:  “Yep, that’s true.”

Joe:  “Well…what if we get visitors?”

Me:  “I will holler out the door to them that we’ll be out in a minute.”

Joe:  “What if the doorbell rings and I have to answer it?”

Me:  “I will answer the door since I’m the one with clothes on.”

Joe:  “Oh…well, ok.  I guess it’ll all work out then.”

Me:  “Yep, it will all work out just fine.”

Joe:  (grinning) “Well then…Here I go…gettin’ naked…”

I turned the shower on and adjusted the temperature while Joe was taking off his Depends.

The next thing I knew, Joe had opened the bathroom door and was headed out to the kitchen.  Dot was sitting at the table eating her Raisin Bran…

Joe:  (big grin)  “Hi Dot…”

Dot looked over at him and said, “Hi Joe.”

Joe: (with his hands on his hips and swaying from side to side) “Notice anything different about me?”

Dot:  “Yeah, you’ve gained some weight.  You’re eating too much ice cream.”  Then she went right back to eating her Raisin Bran.

Me:  “Come on, Joe, it’s time to get in the shower.”

Joe looked so disappointed when he said, “Dot didn’t even notice I was naked.”

Me:  “Oh I’m sure she noticed.”

Joe:  “She didn’t seem very surprised.”

Me:  “Well that’s probably because you weren’t showing her anything that she hadn’t seen before.”

Joe:  (laughing)  “Yep, you’re right about that.”

He looked around to make sure that no one was listening and quietly said, “We’ve got 4 kids you know…”

(Actually, they only have 3 kids…)

I laughed and said, “Yep, I did know that.  How about you get in the shower now?”

Joe:  “Oh yeah!  Now I remember why I was naked!”  And he happily stepped into the shower.

Then the doorbell rang…