Lois is sweet enough to let me go to church on Sundays (I stay with her for 48 hours straight on Saturdays and Sundays) as long as I pick her up a cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake on my way home. I ask her every week if she’d like to go to church with me, and her response usually goes something like this:
Lois: “Do you know how exhausting it is for an old lady to get ready for church? I’m too old, and God understands that.”
Usually she takes her morning nap while I’m gone and when I get back I wake her up for lunch. When I got back from church this morning, however, Lois was waiting for me at the door…
Lois: “There’s something wrong with Baby!” (Baby is the most spoiled feral cat on the planet. She lives in Lois’ basement and only comes up to eat, which is about 5,000 times a day, and Lois obsesses over her CONSTANTLY.)
Me: “Why do you think there’s something wrong with Baby?”
Lois: “She must be sick because she refuses to eat anything!”
Me: “Well I fed her half of a can of wet food before I left for church this morning, so she can’t be too hungry.”
Lois: “BABY IS STARVING! SHE’S BEEN UP HERE MEOWING AND MEOWING AND MEOWING!”
Me: “Okay, settle down, I will put some food out for her…”
Lois: “I ALREADY PUT FOOD OUT FOR HER AND SHE REFUSES TO EAT ANY OF IT!”
By then I had managed to step into the house and I was able to see that there was a plate on the floor with mashed sweet potatoes on it. I made my way into the kitchen, and all together I counted 6 plates of sweet potatoes that were set out for Baby.
Oh boy, here we go again…
I picked up the plates and set them on the counter.
Lois: “Baby can’t get to her food if you put it up this high!”
Me: “I think Baby just needs some fresh food, so I will open up a new can for her…”
Lois: “I JUST OPENED UP A CAN! DON’T BE WASTEFUL!!”
Me: “Okay Lois, let me explain something…this is not cat food on these plates.”
Lois: “OF COURSE IT’S CAT FOOD!”
Me: “It is actually our leftovers from dinner last night.”
Lois: “We had CAT FOOD for dinner last night?!”
Me: (deep breath) “No, we did not have cat food. We had baked chicken and mashed sweet potatoes, and what you put on these plates for Baby is the leftover sweet potatoes.”
Lois: “Baby doesn’t like sweet potatoes.”
Me: “I know she doesn’t. Most cats don’t. So how about you let me open up a fresh can of cat food for her, okay?”
Lois cracked up: “Well NO WONDER she wouldn’t eat!”
Me: “Yep. No wonder.”
Lois: “Who the HELL thought it was a good idea to make cat food out of sweet potatoes?!”
Me: “You got me, Lois.”
Lois: “Well by golly, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of! Since when does a CAT enjoy eating POTATOES?”
Me: “I really don’t have an answer to that…”
Lois: “What brand is that cat food anyway?”
Me: “It’s ‘Fancy Feast’.”
Lois: “Fancy Feast MY ASS! What’s fancy about a sweet potato?”
Me: “There is absolutely nothing fancy about a sweet potato.”
Lois: “DARN RIGHT! Potatoes are the poor man’s food. Well, I guess I’d better call Baby upstairs for lunch…BABY? BABY? BAYYYYY-BEEEEEEEEE!”
Nobody Feeds Baby a Sweet Potato.
I got Lois all set up at the table for dinner this evening before I finished unloading the groceries from my car. When I returned to the kitchen to join Lois for a meal a few minutes later, I made a startling discovery. Lois was sitting at the kitchen table, happily drinking her strawberry milkshake…in the nude.
Joe and Dot 