The Runaway.

Lois the FinLois tried to “run away” in the middle of the night, using her bedside commode as a walker.  She didn’t get very far, since she could not figure out how to unlock the door.

Me:  “Where are you going, Lois?”

Lois:   “I’m gettin’ the hell out of here is where I’m goin!”

Me:   “You’re not going to get very far carrying your commode.   It’s really heavy.”

Lois:  “The WHAT?!”

Me:  “You’re trying to use your toilet as a walker, and it’s too heavy for you to push around.”

Lois:  “I just figured that I might need to use the toilet while I’m walking to Sylvia’s house.”(Sylvia is Lois’s long deceased sister.)

Me:  “How about we visit Sylvia tomorrow when there’s daylight, and you can be sure to use the bathroom before we go?”

Lois:  “Well, I’ll think about it.”

Then right there by the front door, Lois decided to use her commode.  As she was sitting on the pot, she smiled at me and said, “Boy, these portable toilets sure are handy!”

Me: “Yep, they sure are.”

The Bathroom Expert.

JoeI love it when I am trying to help Joe in the bathroom, and I say, “Alright Joe, I’m going to help you pull your pants down now…”

Joe:   “What the hell are you gonna pull my pants down for?”

Me:  “Because you’ve kinda gotta pull your pants down before you sit on the toilet…”

Joe:  “What are you…some kind of expert or something?!”

Me:   “I guess so, yes.”

Joe:   “Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that you’re going to help me take my penis out and point it in the right direction.”

Me:  “Actually, you’re on your own with that one.”

Joe:  “You’re not such an expert anymore are ya?”

Me:   “Nope, that is most definitely NOT my area of expertise.”

A Round of Applause.

JoeThis afternoon Joe was very polite and subtle when he announced to Dot and I that he needed to “take a shit”.  As quickly as I could, I got him up off of his recliner, maneuvered him down the hallway with his walker to the bathroom, and got him safely seated on the toilet.  There is always a last-minute fear of what I might find when I help any of my clients to pull down their Depends, but today I was relieved to discover that we’d made it to the toilet on time for a change, and I had to fight the urge to sing the Hallelujah Chorus.

I was playing Scrabble on my iPhone as Joe did his business, when all of a sudden he looked down and saw my shoes (I was wearing my oldest pair of black Converse).

Joe:  “Those are some fancy shoes you got there!”

Me:  “Oh yeah, they’re pretty fancy alright.”

Joe:  “Yep.”  He looked up at me:  “Hey, what are you doing hanging out in the bathroom anyways?”

Me:  “Oh I’m just here in case you need any help.”

Joe chuckled:  “I don’t need any help.  I’ve been shitting by myself for many a year.”

Me:  “Well I don’t really have anything else going on so I thought that I may as well hang out with you in here if you don’t mind.”

Joe shrugged:  “That sounds alright to me.  I’m sure there are better smelling places to hang out around here, but if you can stand the smell then you’re more than welcome to stay.”  He looked down at my feet again and said, “I guess that’s why you’re wearing your fancy shoes huh?”

Me:  “Yep, that’s exactly why.”

When Joe was finished doing his business, I helped him to wash his hands and then we wandered slowly back to the living room.

Dot:  “Well how’d you do?”

Joe:  “How’d I do what?”

Dot:  “How’d it go in the bathroom?”

Joe:  “Well I took a shit if that’s what you’re gettin’ at.”

I added, “And Someone even made it to the toilet on time!”

Dot clapped her hands and said, “Wow!  Good job Joe!”

Joe cracked up:  “If I knew that I’d get this much applause every time I took a shit, I’d have started telling folks about it a long time ago!”

Spelling Bee.

joe_dotI could hear Dot in the bedroom asking Joe, “What’s that girl’s name?”

Joe:  “What girl?”

Dot:  “The girl who was just in here taking care of you.  What was her name?”

Joe:  “There wasn’t any girl in here taking care of me.”

Dot:  “I think I remember, her name starts with a W…”

I could tell that this conversation was going nowhere since it was the short-term memory equivalent of the “blind leading the blind” so I started to walk to the bedroom.  I was already entering the room when Dot shouted my name at the top of her lungs.

Dot:  “WHITNEY!!!”

She scared me half to death and Joe cracked up when he saw me jump (Dot had her back to me).

Me:  “I’m right here, Dot.”

Dot turned around:  “Oh yeah…um…now I forgot why I was calling you in here.”

We all sat in silence for a couple of minutes while Dot tried to collect her thoughts.

Dot:  “Oh yeah, now I remember.  Joe needs to S-H-I-T.”

Joe:  “What are you spelling, Dot?  Are you trying to keep secrets from me?”

Dot:  “I’m not keeping any secrets.  I was only telling Whitney what you told me that you have to do.”

Joe:  “You told her that I have to take a shit?  Why do you have to go and tell people about it?”

I tried not to laugh:  “Hi Joe, I’m just going to help you get on your commode okay?”

Joe:  “My what?”


Joe looked totally confused, so I clarified:  “Your toilet.”

Joe:  “Oh yeah, okay then.  What do I need to get on the toilet for?”

Dot:  “So that you can S-H-I-T.”

Joe:  “Why the hell do you keep spelling everything?!”

Dot:  “Because I don’t like to swear.”

Joe looked at me and grinned:  “She’s a good Catholic girl.”

Me:  “Yes, she is.”

Dot looked very proud.

Joe:  “Well, I guess I’d better go to the bathroom and take a shit…”

Me:  “Thank you for being so specific, Joe.”

Joe grinned:  “You’re welcome.”


The Toilet.

Joe looked over at me last night and asked Dot: “Who’s that over there?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She’s the girl who’s taking care of you.”

Joe: “Well I don’t need anyone taking care of me.”

Dot: “You do too! Yesterday, you thought the shower was a toilet and you tried to go to the bathroom in it!”

Joe was shocked: “Is that right?! Well, by God I guess I could use some help then!!”