Monthly Archives: September 2013

Funky Chicken.

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JoeWhile I was getting Joe ready for bed last night, I discovered several morsels of chicken (leftover from dinner) wedged in his butt crack.

Me:  “Joe, may I ask you a question?”

Joe:  “Sure!”

Me:  “How did you manage to get chicken in your butt crack?”

Joe:  “What’s that you say??”

Me:  “There is chicken. In your butt crack. How did it get there?”

Joe:  “What the hell kind of question is that?!”

Me:  “It’s not so much of a question as it is an observation.”

Joe:  “Who invited you to observe my ass?”

Me:  “My boss. It’s part of my job description.”

Joe:  “Your job is to look at old men’s asses?”

Me:  “I wouldn’t phrase it quite that way but…Yes, I guess it is.”

Joe’s eyes got real big:  “Well that’s one Helluva deal!”

Me:  “Tell me about it.”

Joe:  “Now what was it we were talking about before?”

Me:  “I asked you how you got chicken in your butt crack.”

Joe chuckled:  “I guess I must’ve ran out of pockets!”

That’s Not Reese Witherspoon!

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I was asked to do a fill-in shift today to care for an elderly couple, both in their 90’s, with dementia.  I will call them Wilma and Barney, and they are an adorable Jewish couple, originally from Boston.  Barney is the quiet and polite one, and Wilma has all the attitude in the world, but they are both just as sweet as can be.

All they really wanted was to watch movies all day and eat their meals and snacks in their recliners.  They love movies so much that their daughter made sure to get them like 1,000 channels on their giant flat-screen TV so that they would have plenty of variety.  We watched every kind of movie today; Romantic Comedies, Dramas, True Stories, Classics, you name it.  After dinner Wilma wanted to lay on her bed and watch TV in her room for a while, so I set her up with a Reese Witherspoon chick-flick and left to clean the kitchen.

About 15 minutes later, I went into Wilma’s bedroom to check on her and her eyes were as big as saucers.  That was when I looked at the TV just in time to see an extremely graphic sex scene, complete with nudity, a swimming pool, and the works.

I said, “Whoa!  That’s not Reese Witherspoon!” and dove for the remote control.

At some point within my 15 minutes of absence, the chick-flick had ended and Cinemax: After Dark was scheduled next.  It wasn’t even dark yet!

For those of you who may be wondering; Wilma did not even have access to the remote because I had left it on top of the TV and she’s not able to walk without assistance, so the fault was all mine for not checking the movie listings for that network.

After I quickly changed the channel to the most Rated G movie that I could find, Wilma shook her head, and said with her adorable East Coast accent:

“Thank Gwad ya came in here when ya did!   I’m not sure what happened, but all of a sudden folks were takin’ off all their clothes and…well…it just got real swassy (saucy), if you know what I mean.  Much too swassy for my taste.”

Oh, it was swassy all right!

Ice Cream Lady.

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JoeJoe’s brother, Bart, and his wife, Maggi, stopped by the house tonight for a visit. While the old-timers were all chatting, I prepared them each a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce (Joe’s favorite) and delivered it to the living room.  I hadn’t noticed a major family resemblance between Joe and Bart until tonight, when both of their faces lit up exactly the same way when they eye-balled their ice cream.

Bart:  “Oh WOW!  Chocolate sauce and everything!  Thank you so much, Young Lady! You’re so lucky to get this kind of service, Joe…”

Joe grinned at me and then looked very serious when he explained to Bart, “I’m not sure who she is or why she’s here, but as long as she brings me ice cream once in a while she’s welcome to stay; I don’t ask questions…”

Lightning and Heart Attacks.

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I’m watching the local news in Portland with Joe and Dot, and they are reporting on a lightning strike in the Rock Creek area.

Apparently a bolt of lightning struck a giant tree last night which cracked the tree in half. The tree then fell on some poor, chubby, Old Fella’s house, and the electricity transmitted through the tree started a fire in one of the bedrooms of the house.

The old man, who was hooked up to an oxygen tank, ran to his garage to get a fire extinguisher.   He made it back to the bedroom, but he had a heart attack as he was trying to put the fire out.  Luckily his implanted defibrullator shocked his heart back to life, and he was able to tell the story on the news from the front yard of his fire damaged house.

When being interviewed by the reporter about his near death experience, the jolly old fella chuckled and said, “Well, it was the first time I’ve been hit by lightning, but it wasn’t the first time that I died from cardiac arrest.  To tell you the truth, I’d rather not experience either of those things again.”

Reporter:   “How are you feeling today, Sir?  You’re lucky to be alive!”

Old Man:  “Well let’s see…My wife’s alright and my cat’s alright, so I guess we’re all alright s’far as I can tell.  Ya know, it gets you thinkin’ about life and whatnot, that’s for sure!”