Tag Archives: Marriage

That’s Not Reese Witherspoon!

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I was asked to do a fill-in shift today to care for an elderly couple, both in their 90’s, with dementia.  I will call them Wilma and Barney, and they are an adorable Jewish couple, originally from Boston.  Barney is the quiet and polite one, and Wilma has all the attitude in the world, but they are both just as sweet as can be.

All they really wanted was to watch movies all day and eat their meals and snacks in their recliners.  They love movies so much that their daughter made sure to get them like 1,000 channels on their giant flat-screen TV so that they would have plenty of variety.  We watched every kind of movie today; Romantic Comedies, Dramas, True Stories, Classics, you name it.  After dinner Wilma wanted to lay on her bed and watch TV in her room for a while, so I set her up with a Reese Witherspoon chick-flick and left to clean the kitchen.

About 15 minutes later, I went into Wilma’s bedroom to check on her and her eyes were as big as saucers.  That was when I looked at the TV just in time to see an extremely graphic sex scene, complete with nudity, a swimming pool, and the works.

I said, “Whoa!  That’s not Reese Witherspoon!” and dove for the remote control.

At some point within my 15 minutes of absence, the chick-flick had ended and Cinemax: After Dark was scheduled next.  It wasn’t even dark yet!

For those of you who may be wondering; Wilma did not even have access to the remote because I had left it on top of the TV and she’s not able to walk without assistance, so the fault was all mine for not checking the movie listings for that network.

After I quickly changed the channel to the most Rated G movie that I could find, Wilma shook her head, and said with her adorable East Coast accent:

“Thank Gwad ya came in here when ya did!   I’m not sure what happened, but all of a sudden folks were takin’ off all their clothes and…well…it just got real swassy (saucy), if you know what I mean.  Much too swassy for my taste.”

Oh, it was swassy all right!

Who’s Next?

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joe_dotI was tucking Joe into bed last night and I asked him if he was warm enough.

Joe:  “Not quite…”

Me:  “Would you like another blanket?”

Joe:  “I don’t think we’ll need another blanket.  Once you crawl in beside me here, we’ll be plenty warm.”

I laughed:  “Well I won’t be crawling in bed beside you, so I’d better get you another blanket.”

Dot came in then to give Joe his goodnight kiss, as she does every night.  She puckered up her lips, closed her eyes, and moved in for the kiss.  Joe’s eyes got really big and he tried to cover his head under his blanket.

Dot:  “Don’t you wanna kiss me goodnight, Joe?”

Joe:  “Oh…is that you, Dot?”

Dot:  “Yes, it’s me!  Who else would be giving you a goodnight kiss?”

Joe:  “You were going to kiss me??”

Dot:  “Of course I was!  What’d you think I was trying to do?”

Joe:  “I was worried that you were going to bite me.”

Dot:  “I’m not going to bite you!  Now, do you want a goodnight kiss or not?”

Joe puckered up real quick, and Dot planted a big kiss on his lips.  Joe grinned from ear to ear, and then he looked at me and puckered up again.

Joe:  “Okay, who’s next…?”

The Cherry Tree.

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joe_dotWe were sitting at the table eating breakfast, when I felt Joe’s eyes on me.  I looked over at him and he was just grinning ear to ear.

Me:  “You look like you’re in a pretty good mood today, Joe!”

Joe:  “Yep, I guess so.”

Me:  “I bet it’s because you’re wearing your red shirt.  You look really handsome in red.”

Dot:  “Red has always been a good color on him.”

Joe:  “What’s so good about it?”

Me:  “It brightens up your cheeks.”

Joe:  “What good does that do me?”

Dot:  “We’re the ones who have to look at you, and you look good in RED!  Now, eat your breakfast.”

Joe:  “Does it make me look taller?”

Dot:  “Huh?”

Joe:  “Does my red shirt make me look taller?”

Dot:  “Oh for heaven’s sake…”

Me:  “I think it makes you look taller, Joe.”

Joe’s eyes lit up:  “Well if it makes me look taller, then maybe I’ll have a better chance of picking a cherry from the cherry tree!”

Dot:  “We don’t have a cherry tree.”

Joe:  “But if we DID have a cherry tree; when I wear this red shirt then I’ll be taller, and I can pick cherries.”

Me:  “You’re right, Joe.  You’d be tall enough to pick the cherries AND you’d look very handsome while doing so.”

Joe beamed:  “See Dot, I told you so.”

Dot:  “I think maybe you’d better not wear red anymore.  It gives you a big head…”

Joe:  “No Dot, see my head only looks bigger because my red shirt makes me look so much taller.”

Crop-Dusting.

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joe_dotDot suddenly shot up from the couch in the middle of her favorite celebrity gossip show “Extra“, and she hobbled her way toward the bathroom.  As Dot marched past Joe and I, an incredibly loud and continuous burst of gas bellowed out behind her.  Even so, she did not seem amused when Joe called out, “Hurry Dot…Hurry!”

Once Dot was in the bathroom, Joe turned to me and said, “That there is what happens when you grow up on a farm…”

Me:  “Oh yeah?  What do you mean?”

Joe:  “Well see…Dot grew up on a farm, and that’s why she knows the importance of crop-dusting.”

I laughed:  “You noticed that huh?”

Joe laughed:  “Hard not to notice when she goes breezing past ya like that without so much as a how-do-ya-do.”

Me:  “It’s probably best not to mention it to Dot though, okay?  I’m pretty sure that she thinks that we didn’t notice.”

Joe:  “Oh I’m not gonna say anything to her about it!  She may have crop-dusted the place, but she’s STILL a lady!”

Pregnant? Who’s Pregnant…?

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joe_dotDot was trying to help me to get Joe transferred from his bed to his wheelchair this morning, which really just means that she was in my way.

Joe was okay with me helping him, but when he noticed that Dot was holding onto him too he said, “Dot, stop! You can’t help me! Not in your condition…”

Dot: “And what condition is that?”

Joe: “You’re pregnant!”

Dot’s eyes got really big, so I said, “I guess that’s news to you, huh Dot?” Dot cracked up.

Joe: “Well I oughta know! I made you that way.”

Dot: “Not for a long time, Joe.”

Joe: “You think I don’t know how babies are made?”

Dot: “I’m too old to be pregnant, Joe.”

Joe laughed, and with a sparkle in his eye he said, “Well I guess we don’t have to be so careful anymore huh?”

Dot rolled her eyes and said, “Oh boy, here we go again…”

A Round of Applause.

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JoeThis afternoon Joe was very polite and subtle when he announced to Dot and I that he needed to “take a shit”.  As quickly as I could, I got him up off of his recliner, maneuvered him down the hallway with his walker to the bathroom, and got him safely seated on the toilet.  There is always a last-minute fear of what I might find when I help any of my clients to pull down their Depends, but today I was relieved to discover that we’d made it to the toilet on time for a change, and I had to fight the urge to sing the Hallelujah Chorus.

I was playing Scrabble on my iPhone as Joe did his business, when all of a sudden he looked down and saw my shoes (I was wearing my oldest pair of black Converse).

Joe:  “Those are some fancy shoes you got there!”

Me:  “Oh yeah, they’re pretty fancy alright.”

Joe:  “Yep.”  He looked up at me:  “Hey, what are you doing hanging out in the bathroom anyways?”

Me:  “Oh I’m just here in case you need any help.”

Joe chuckled:  “I don’t need any help.  I’ve been shitting by myself for many a year.”

Me:  “Well I don’t really have anything else going on so I thought that I may as well hang out with you in here if you don’t mind.”

Joe shrugged:  “That sounds alright to me.  I’m sure there are better smelling places to hang out around here, but if you can stand the smell then you’re more than welcome to stay.”  He looked down at my feet again and said, “I guess that’s why you’re wearing your fancy shoes huh?”

Me:  “Yep, that’s exactly why.”

When Joe was finished doing his business, I helped him to wash his hands and then we wandered slowly back to the living room.

Dot:  “Well how’d you do?”

Joe:  “How’d I do what?”

Dot:  “How’d it go in the bathroom?”

Joe:  “Well I took a shit if that’s what you’re gettin’ at.”

I added, “And Someone even made it to the toilet on time!”

Dot clapped her hands and said, “Wow!  Good job Joe!”

Joe cracked up:  “If I knew that I’d get this much applause every time I took a shit, I’d have started telling folks about it a long time ago!”

The Baseball Bat Compliment.

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joe_dotAnyone who has seen Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore‘s “50 First Dates” will remember the scene where Henry (Adam Sandler) gets his best Hawaiian friend, Ula (played by Rob Schneider) to pretend to be mugging him on the side of the road in order to get Lucy’s (Drew Barrymore) attention.

Lucy not only pulls her car over to rescue Henry, but she actually takes a baseball bat out of the backseat of her car and proceeds to beat the living shit out of poor Ula.  It’s hilarious!

Joe was napping in his recliner, but he woke up during that scene and he and Dot howled with laughter.

Joe:  “That must be a pretty weak bat.”

Me:  “Why do you say that, Joe?”

Joe:  “Well that pretty lady just beat that guy to hell and back with that baseball bat and he was still able to run away.”

Dot:  “It’s just a movie Joe.  It’s pretend.  The bat was probably made out of plastic or something.”

Joe looked serious:  “Pretend or not, getting beat up with a baseball bat like that would turn a man into a pile of raw hamburger real quick.”

Me:  “That’s true Joe.”

Joe:  “There wouldn’t be no getting up from that!”

Me:  “Nope, there sure wouldn’t be.”

Dot rolled her eyes.

Joe:  “Only a pretty blonde could get away with beating a man to his death like that.”

Me:  “Why is that Joe?”

Joe had a sparkle in his eye:  “Because at least he’d have something pretty to look at.  That wouldn’t be such a bad way to go.”

Joe thought about it for a minute before he grinned real big, looked at Dot and said, “Now don’t go gettin’ any ideas about whacking me with that can of yours…”

Dot smiled:  “Is that your way of telling me that I’m pretty?”

Joe chuckled and shrugged his shoulders.

Dot grinned:  “Well that’s about the best compliment that you’ve given me in a long time, Joe.”

Joe turned to look at me and whispered, “Seems I may have said something right.  Maybe she’ll let me in her bedroom later…”

I whispered back:  “Maybe so, Joe.”

Dot craned her neck:  “What’d he say?”

Me:  “He said that lady on TV doesn’t hold a candle to you, Dot.”

Dot smiled from ear to ear and reached over to hold his hand:  “Well you’re just full of charm today, aren’t you Joe?”

Joe beamed with pride and chuckled shyly.

As soon as Dot wasn’t looking, I gave Joe a “thumb’s up” sign and he winked back at me.

All in a day’s work.

Sparkly.

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JoeI’m watching “The Voice” with Joe and Dot and I commented on Shakira‘s sparkly jacket.

Me: “That’s really a pretty jacket she’s wearing!”

Dot: “I was just thinking that too! What do you think of it Joe?”

Joe: “What do I think of what?”

Dot: “That lady’s jacket. The one on TV…”

Joe laughed: “I don’t know about any jacket but I see some pretty good knockers there…”

Dot: “What’d you say?”

Joe looked at the floor sheepishly: “Nothin.”

Dot looked at me: “What’d he say?”

Me: “He said that it was sparkly.”

Joe laughed: “It’s sparkly all right!”

Watch Me.

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joe_dotWe had a late lunch today, so I planned to make dinner for Joe and Dot an hour later than usual.  While I was in the kitchen cooking, I heard the following conversation:

Joe:  “Well, I guess we’d better head out…”

Dot:  “Where do you wanna go?”

Joe:  “To the bank.”

Dot:  “What do you need to go to the bank for?”

Joe:  “We’ll need to get money if we’re gonna go out to eat.”

Dot:  “The Girl is in there cooking right now.”

Joe:  “What Girl?”

Dot:  “The Girl who takes care of us.  She’s cooking dinner and she said it would be ready in 15 minutes.”

Joe:  “Oh god, I don’t think I’ll make it ’til then!”

Dot:  “What do you mean, you don’t think you’ll make it?”

Joe:  “I might starve!”

Dot:  “Oh Joe, you’re not going to starve.”

Joe:  “I am too!  Watch me.”