Monthly Archives: June 2012

Happy Anniversary

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The other day Joe and Dot were sitting together on the couch, and Dot told Joe that it was their
anniversary.

Joe: “Is that right? How long have we been married now?”

Dot: “66 years!”

Joe: “Holy Moly! That long?!”

Dot: “Yes, that long…”

Joe: “And today is our anniversary you say?”

Dot smiled: “Yes it is.”

Joe thought about it for a minute and said, “So tonight I’m gonna get some…”

I was sitting in the same room as them reading a magazine and I felt Dot
looking at me. I just buried my face in my magazine.”

Dot whispered: “No Joe!”

Joe: “Well why the hell not?”

Dot: “You’re too old.”

Joe giggled: “I am not too old!”

Dot: “You’re 92 and you’ll have a heart attack.”

Joe: “So what? That’d be a helluva way to go!”

Dot: “It’s not gonna happen George.”

Joe: “What’s the point of having an anniversary if a man doesn’t get any…?”

Dot: “I just thought you’d like to know. I will give you a kiss.”

Joe: “Well alright…I’ll take what I can get, but I’m still not happy about it…”

Dot gave him a kiss and said, “Happy Anniversary.”

Joe grinned from ear to ear:  “What do you say you and I get out of here for a little while…”

Dot rolled her eyes: “Oh Joe!”

The Caveman.

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I helped Joe with his shower this morning, got him dressed and seated at the table for breakfast. When I left the room to get the laundry started, I heard Joe ask Dot: “Who is that girl?”

Dot: “That’s Whitney. She helps take care of you.”

Joe: “Do I know her?”

Dot: “Yes, you do. She’s been working here for quite a while.”

Joe: “Well I don’t need any help.”

Dot: “Yes you do. How do you think you’d take a shower and get dressed if she didn’t help you…?”

Joe chuckled: “Oh I think I’d manage all right. How do you think the cavemen did it?”

Dot: “You’re not a caveman.”

Joe: “How do you know?”

Dot: “Because I know. For starters, you cut your hair and shave your face.”

Joe: “Well that just makes me a good lookin’ caveman.”

Dot: “Plus she helps you when you have an accident in your pants.”

Joe giggled: “How the hell do I have an accident in my pants? Are there a couple of cars in there that I don’t know about?”

Dot: “Not that kind of accident.”

Joe: “I don’t know why I ask you about stuff. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dot: “I know more than you.”

Joe: “No you don’t.”

Dot: “Yes I do.”

That was my cue to intervene. I walked into the kitchen and said, “Am I going to have to separate you two?”

Joe cracked up and pointed at Dot: “She started it…”

Tater Tot Casserole.

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I made tater tot casserole for dinner tonight and it was a big hit.  Dot acted like I was the best cook in the entire land, and I told her that it was a really simple recipe.  Dot asked Joe if he liked the casserole.

Joe:  “What casserole?”

Dot:  “The casserole that’s on your plate.  Do you like it?  It’s good isn’t it?”

Joe:  “Well I ate all of it, didn’t I?”

Dot:  “I’m just asking you if you like it.  It wouldn’t kill you to give a compliment once in a while…”

Joe:  “It’s a compliment that I sat here and cleaned my plate.”

Dot thought about it for a second:  “I guess that’s true.  Do you want a cookie?”

Joe:  “Sure, I’ll take a cookie.”

I gave each of them a cookie.  Dot ate her cookie and left the table to go watch the news in the living room.  Joe just sat there looking at me.

Me:  “What’s new Joe?”

Joe:  “I don’t know…nothin’.”

Me:  “Did you get enough to eat?”

Joe:  “Not really…”

Me:  “Would you like more casserole?”

Joe:  “What casserole?  That stuff with the taters on it?”

Me:  “Yep, that.”

Joe:  “No, I’m full of that…”

I got him another cookie:  “Will this help?”

Joe grinned:  “Yep.  That’s more like it.”

Joe and Dot’s daughter, Shelly, drove here to take Dot to church tonight, and when she walked into the kitchen she said, “Ooohhh.  You guys had tater tot casserole for dinner!  Wow, that brings back a lot of memories…”

Me:  “You’ve had tater tot casserole before?  Your mom said she’s never had it…”

Shelly grinned:  “Mom made that casserole at least once a week when I was growing up.”

Me:  “Well no wonder they both loved it so much.”

Shelly:  “Oh yeah.  It’s one of their favorites.”

Joe:  “What are you ladies talking about?”

Shelly:  “That casserole that Mom used to make when I was growing up.  You had it for dinner tonight…”

Joe:  “Oh yeah.  Well anyway, the cookies are better.”

Heaven.

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Dot:  “Joe, Father is coming over this afternoon to give us communion so you need to be on your best behavior.”

Joe:  “Whose father?  Mine’s been dead a long time so it can’t be him…”

Dot:  “No, I mean the priest.”

Joe chuckled:  “Oh ok, why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”

Dot rolled her eyes:  “Are you going to be on your best behavior?”

Joe:  “What are you talking about?  I’m always on my best behavior.”

Dot:  “No you’re not.  You cuss and swear a lot sometimes.”

Joe:  “Well, what the hell’s wrong with that?”

Dot:  “Just don’t do that when the priest is here.”

Joe said matter of factly:  “I would never cuss in front of the priest Dot.  Who do you think I am?”

Dot just gave him a look.

Joe:  “I’d never get into heaven if I did that.  I’ll just hold it in until he leaves…”

The Tree.

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Joe got up from his chair and Dot asked him where he was going.

Joe snapped:  “None of your business!”

Dot rolled her eyes and looked at me:  “He’s in another one of his moods again…”

Joe:  “I’ll be in any mood I damned well want!”

Me:  “Are you headed to the bathroom, Joe?  Follow me, I’ll show you where to go…”

Joe:  “I don’t need YOU to show me where the god-damned bathroom is!  I built this house with my own two hands [actually he hired someone to build the house, but he did help design it] so I oughta know where to take a leak!”

Me:  “Ok Joe, just go ahead.  Let me know if you change your mind…”

Joe wandered off through the kitchen, and I followed quietly behind him.  He opened the coat closet door, then he opened the front door to the house.

Joe said to himself:  “Oh hell somebody moved the bathroom again!  I guess I’ll just go behind a tree…”

Me:  “Hey wait Joe, it looks like they moved the bathroom over here…”

Joe looked at me and then looked in the direction that I was pointing:  “Those bastards.”

Me:  “I know.  I don’t know why they keep moving it around.  It doesn’t make any sense.  Here, let me help you into the bathroom…”

Joe hesitated:  “Well okay…It’s better than going behind a damned tree.  But will you do me a favor and tell those idiots to stop moving the bathroom all over place for god’s sake??”

Me:  “I will.  I’ll have a talk with them today.”

Joe:  “Either that or tell them to move a tree into the house…”

What Wedding? (Part 2)

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Joe and Dot’s daughter came over the other day and dropped off a few photos from her son’s wedding.

Dot was so excited to show me the pictures when I got here this morning, so I sat at the kitchen table with her and Joe while we looked at them.

When it was Joe’s turn to look, he got a little bit confused…

Joe: “Hey Dot, you’re in this picture!”

Dot: “Yeah I know. So are you.”

Joe: “I am? Where?”

Dot: “That’s you sitting right next to me.”

Joe: “Is that right? I’ll be darned…it IS me! Where were we at Dot?”

Dot: “We were at the wedding.”

Joe laughed: “Are you pulling my leg Dot? Don’t you think I would remember being at my own wedding?!”

Dot: “It wasn’t our wedding. It was Aaron’s wedding…”

Joe looked like he was about to cry: “Hey wait a minute… I thought you were married to me!”

Dot: “I am married to you! Aaron is our grandson…”

Joe laughed again: “Oh yeah! Aaron…that’s right.”

Dot: “He got married a couple of weeks ago, and these are the pictures from his wedding.”

Joe looked confused: “Was I there…?”

Dot pointed at the picture: “Yes, you were there. See? You’re in this picture standing with the bride and groom.”

Joe looked closely at it: “I don’t think that’s me, Dot.”

Dot: “Of course it’s you! Who else would it be?”

Joe: “This is a picture of an old man. I’m not that old.”

Dot: “Yes you are that old. You’re 92!”

Joe gave me a look that said, “Will you get a load of this crap?” Then he explained, “Dot, when we were married I was a young man.”

Dot: “Yeah, you were young then. But now you’re old, and so am I…”

Joe: “Well I’ll be damned…How the hell did that happen?”

I piped in and said, “It happens to all of us one day, Joe.”

Joe grinned: “Yep. I suppose you’re right about that…”

Dot: “Do you want to see the rest of the pictures from the wedding now?”

Joe: “What wedding…?”

Magic.

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When we went into town today, Joe insisted that it was his turn to drive.

I said, “I’m pretty sure it’s my turn to drive today.”

Joe:  “Is that right?  Well, okay then, but just don’t be such a hot rod…”

Me:  “I promise, I’ll try not to.”

Joe was skeptical:  “I really think that I should drive…”

Dot:  “No Joe.  The last time you drove, you backed out of the driveway and went right into the ditch and we had to call James (their son) to come rescue us.”

Joe:  “Is that right?!  Well by god, I guess we’d better let this lady drive then!”

When we arrived at our destination, Joe kept trying to open his door at the same time that I was hitting the unlock button.  He was getting super frustrated about it.  I said, “Joe, just wait a second!”

He let go, but not enough for the button to unlock all the way.  He yanked on the door handle and hollered, “Goddammit!”

Dot:  “Joe!  Watch your language!  The Catholic church is just up the road!”

Joe:  “I don’t give a damn where the church is!  I just want to open my door!”

Me:  “Okay Joe, I want you to totally let go of the handle.”

He let go.

Me:  “Now I’m going to count to three.  When I say ‘three’ then you can open the door okay?”

Joe giggled:  “I guess it’s worth a try…”

Me:  “One, two….THREE!”

I unlocked the door, Joe pulled on the handle and amazingly enough, the door opened!

Joe was impressed:  “How the hell did you do that?”

Me:  “Magic.”

Public Service Announcement.

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There is a mother/daughter housekeeping team that come here a couple of times a month to do the deep cleaning.  They are the sweetest ladies, and we always have fun chatting with them when they’re here.

Dot made us all get up at 6am today because she was so worried about making it to her 9am hair appointment on time.  Ugh.

The housekeepers got here after Joe and I had already dropped Dot off at Toot’s place.  Just a reminder:  Toots is the only hair stylist in town and she’s kind of a big deal around here.

Of course the first thing that the housekeepers asked me is “where’s Dot?”  Me:  “She’s visiting Toots.”

Joe cracked up and said, “Yeah, she needed to see Toots.  You should’ve seen how FUZZY her hair was!  I didn’t want to say anything to her, but her hair looked pretty wild.”

Me:  “You did tell her that, Joe…”

Joe:  “Is that right?  (laughing) Well, SOMEONE had to tell her!”

We all cracked up.

The housekeepers were telling me about their weekend trip to Seattle, and how they got stuck in terrible traffic.

Me:  “Seattle traffic is the WORST!”

Housekeepers:  “Well it was even worse than usual because they had a section of the city closed off for the Naked Bike Ride…”

Joe was napping in his chair while we were talking, but he perked up when he heard “Naked Bike Ride”.

Joe:  “What’s that you said?”

I explained to him how in Portland and Seattle a group of folks get together and ride their bikes through the city naked.

Joe raised his eyebrows and giggled:  “Naked?!”

Housekeepers:  “Yep.  Some people are into that kind of stuff…”

Joe:  “It doesn’t seem like that would be very comfortable.”

We all agreed with him and were unanimous in saying, “I know!  I’d never do it in a million years.”

Joe looked very concerned:  “Yeah, but I mean…It’d be worse for guys.  I mean…their parts could get caught up in the spokes!”

We all cracked up.  The housekeepers said, “I hadn’t thought of it exactly like that…”

Joe:  “Well you’d better really think about it before you just get naked and jump on a bike!  I hope they warn people about that!”

I attempted to look serious when I said, “I’ll be sure to call them up and tell them to add your warning to the flyers that they hand out to everybody.”

Joe:  “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

THUD THUMP THUD – George went back to reclining in his chair and napping.

The Hearing Aid.

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Joe and Dot’s daughter, Shelly, just picked up Dot to take her to her doctor’s appointment.  Joe was really disappointed that he didn’t get to go with them, but I told him that they needed to have some “girl talk”.

Joe said, “Well I don’t want to get caught up in all their girl business.”

Me:  “Yeah, I didn’t figure you’d want to be part of all that.”

Joe:  “What’s Dot going to the doctor for?”

Me:  “She’s going to her ear doctor to get fitted for a hearing aid.”

Joe:  “Dot’s getting a hearing aid?”

Me:  “Yep I think she’s going to try it out to see if it helps her to hear better.”

Joe:  “Well be sure to let me know when that happens.  I’ll have to watch what I say around her…”

Me:  “You don’t have to watch what you say Joe, just be yourself!”

Joe:  “No, I’d better not.”

Me:  “Why is that?”

Joe:  “She might not like me anymore.”

Me:  “Of course she’ll still like you!  She just might roll her eyes more often…”

Joe laughed:  “I thought you said she was going to her ear doctor?”

Me:  “Yep, that’s what I said.”

Joe looked concerned:  “Well maybe she’d better see her eye doctor while she’s at it if her eyes are rolling around in her head…”

I laughed and explained to him what I meant about “eye-rolling”.

Joe totally cracked up laughing, “Is that what it’s called?  I just thought that’s how her face looked.”

Me:  “Well that’s something that you might not want to say around Dot.”

Joe:  “See?  I told you that I’ll have to watch what I say…”

Me:  “Joe, you guys have been married almost 66 years.  I’m pretty sure that you can get away with anything at this point.”

Joe:  “66 years you say?  How the hell did I convince her to stay with me that long?”

Me:  “It must be your good looks.  And your charm.”

Joe thought about it and looked serious when he said, “Yeah, that’s true.  That must be it.”

911

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When I first started to take care of Joe, Dot was recovering from a broken pelvis in an assisted living facility, so it would just be Joe and I at the house.

He was not happy about Dot being gone and it really confused him.  He would ask about her every five minutes, and I would explain again and again that she would be coming home once she got stronger.  The nights were pretty rough especially because he’d wake up and realize that Dot wasn’t there and he’d try to go looking for her.

One night, at about 2am, I heard Joe open the front door of the house.  I jumped out of bed and took off running to find Joe outside, in the rain, in only his Depends, t-shirt and slippers (this was in the middle of winter).

Joe was trying to take off through the field to head to town.  I hollered out at him, “Joe!  Get back here!”

He stopped and turned around.

Me:  “Where are you going??”

Joe:  “I’m going to find Dot.”

Me:  “It’s the middle of the night and pouring down rain!  We’ll go visit Dot in the morning.”

Joe:  “Well you can do what you want, but I’m heading there now…”

I realized that I needed to try a new tactic.

Me:  “Joe, if you don’t come back here in 5 seconds, I’m calling the police!”

Joe stopped in his tracks and turned around slowly to look at me.  “You wouldn’t do that…”

I went and grabbed the phone so that I could show him.  “I’m calling the cops right now, Joe, if you don’t come back inside.”

Joe laughed, “I’m not doing anything illegal!”

Me:  “Yes you are.  It’s against the law for a man to run around in public in his underwear!”

Joe looked down at himself:  “Is that right?!  What the hell…?  Where’d my pants go??”

Me:  “3 more seconds til I call the police…”

Finally Joe relented and started to walk back.  As he came through the door, he looked me square in the eye and said, “You really think they’d throw an old man in jail for running around on his own property?”

Me:  “If he’s running around in his underwear and all soaking wet they would.”

Joe came to his senses and said, “Yeah, you’re probably right about that.  Well we might as well go back to bed then.  It’s cold in here!  Turn the heat up, would ya?”

I think I must’ve scared him about calling the police, because he never pulled a stunt like that again.  Thank God!