JoeI’m watching “The Voice” with Joe and Dot and I commented on Shakira‘s sparkly jacket.

Me: “That’s really a pretty jacket she’s wearing!”

Dot: “I was just thinking that too! What do you think of it Joe?”

Joe: “What do I think of what?”

Dot: “That lady’s jacket. The one on TV…”

Joe laughed: “I don’t know about any jacket but I see some pretty good knockers there…”

Dot: “What’d you say?”

Joe looked at the floor sheepishly: “Nothin.”

Dot looked at me: “What’d he say?”

Me: “He said that it was sparkly.”

Joe laughed: “It’s sparkly all right!”

The News.


Joe: “What are we watching?”

Dot: “The news.”

Joe: “Huh?”

Dot: “The NEWS!!”

Joe looked at the TV and then looked at me with a concerned expression.

Me: “What’s the matter Joe?”

Joe shrugged: “Well see here… Dot says we’re watching ‘the nudes’ but all those people have their clothes on.”

I tried not to laugh: “I see that…hmm must be the wrong channel, I guess?”

Joe’s eyes lit up: “Yeah…maybe we should turn it back!”

The Right Stuff.

imagesJoe is pretty much confined to either his bed or his wheelchair these days, and he’s not happy about it!  Last night, he told me that he had to “take a leak” so I got his portable urinal ready for him.

Joe:  “What the hell is that thing?”

Me:  “It’s a urinal.”

Joe:  “Well, what am I supposed to do with it?”

Me:  “Well…you urinate in it.”

Joe:  “Urinate?”

Me:  “Yeah, you know, take a leak…”

Joe:  “Oh!  Oh yeah, that makes sense.  I don’t really need something fancy like this though.  Next time you could just bring me a coffee cup or something.”

Me:  “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind for next time…”

I helped him to get all situated, and then Dot came in the room.

Joe grinned:  “Well I guess I’ve got an audience now!”

Dot:  “We won’t look at you.  When I was in the nursing home, they tried to have me use a bed pan and then everyone just stood there and stared at me.  How are you supposed to go when people are staring at you?”

Joe:  “You didn’t use one of THESE things, Dot.”

Dot:  “Well, it was sort of like that…”

Joe laughed:  “Well no wonder you couldn’t go!  You don’t have the right stuff.”

Dot:  “The right stuff?”

Joe:  “Yeah, you know, the right equipment…to get the job done.”

Dot laughed:  “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right about that.”

Joe giggled:  “And I oughta know…”

Dot:  “Huh?  What’d you say, Joe?”

Joe winked at me and smiled:  “Nothin.”

The Car Wash.

My new favorite thing is going through the car wash with Joe.

Joe:  “What the hell is this fandangled contraption all about?!”

Me:  “It’s a car washing machine.”

Dorothy sits in the backseat when we go through the noisy car wash, and since she can only hear out of one ear, she is completely oblivious to Joe’s running commentary.

Joe:  “Why the hell did someone make a machine to wash cars?!  Is there something wrong with a bucket of soapy water, a hose, and a wash rag?”

Me:  “Well this is just faster.  And easier.”

Joe:  “Oh hell, it doesn’t seem any faster and easier if you ask me!”

I rolled the window down to hand over 5 bucks to the guy running the car wash.

Joe:  “What’d you give that guy money for?”

Me:  “To pay him for the car wash.”

Joe:  “What the hell?!  You gotta pay to go through this goddamned thing?”

I didn’t respond, and instead just focused on rolling up the window, lining up the tires onto the tracks, and putting the car in neutral so that we could get started.

When Joe noticed that I had taken my hand off of the steering wheel but the car was still moving, he reached his arms all over the place trying to find something to hold onto for safety.  He finally settled on having both hands clutching his seat belt strap.

Me:  “It’s okay Joe, just relax.  We’re letting the machine do the work.”

By that time, we had gone through the first part of the wash, where it sprays the car down with water and then covers it in soap.  As soon as Joe saw the ropey looking things that start scrubbing down the car; that’s when the running commentary began.

Joe’s eyes were huge:  “Oh. My. God. We are getting closer to that…THING!  IT’S PULLING US IN!”

Me:  “It’s okay, it’s just material that is going to get the car all clean.”

Joe:  “The hell it is!!  That’s going to rub the paint right off of my car!”

Me:  “No, it’s really gentle.  It won’t rub off the paint.”

Joe looked at me:  “You show me two cars.  Put them side by side; one that goes through this fandangled mess, and one that just gets washed by hand, and I will show you how much worse off that car is than the other.”

Me:  “Okay, I’ll do that.”

Joe:  “Oh my lord, just look at that.  We’re sitting in here and just letting this thing ruin my car.  Whoever built this thing should be shot.”

Me:  “That’s kind of harsh, don’t you think?”

Joe:  “It’s not harsh enough, in my opinion.”

Me:  “Okay, look Joe, we’re almost finished.  We’re going through the dryer now.”

Joe:  “What do you mean ‘dryer’?  My car can’t stand too much heat.  It could melt!”

Me:  “It’s not that hot.”

Joe:  “Do you want to go out there and stand in it?”

Me:  “Well, no…”

Joe folded his arms:  “Well okay then.”

When we finally got through the machine and all of the wheels were on dry land, I looked to see Joe completely craning his neck to look back at the car wash.

Me:  “We’re all finished now, Joe.”

Joe:  “Do we have to get out and walk back through it now?”

I laughed:  “Walk through the car wash?”

Joe:  “Yeah, let’s get out so we can walk through it now.”

Me:  “No, Joe.  We’re not going to get out and walk through it.”

Joe:  “But, how else am I going to take a shower?”

Dot:  “What is he talking about up there?”

Me:  “Joe’s asking if he can get out and walk through the carwash to take a shower.”

Dot laughed:  “Sure, go ahead!”

Joe reached for the door handle.  I stopped him by saying, “You already had your shower today, Joe.”

Joe:  “I did?”

Me:  “Yep.  You did.”

Joe:  “Okay then, if you say so.  We’d better get the hell out of here now, before that thing chases us down and swallows us!”

Dot:  “What’s he saying?”

Me:  “He’s worried that the carwash is going to swallow us.”

Dot shook her head and smiled:  “What an adventure, huh Joe?”

Joe:  “Something like that.  We’re all alive anyhow.”

Me:  “Yep, we’re all alive.”

Joe:  “Remind me never to go through one of those goddamned things ever again.”

Me:  “Okay, I will.”




I took Dot to her hearing aid appointment today because they are still trying to adjust it to the right volume for her.  First it was too loud, now it’s too quiet.  Of course Joe came along as well, and he was just full of piss and vinegar today.

Joe:  “Where are we going, Dot?”

Dot:  “To the doctor.”

Joe:  “Why?  What’s wrong with you?”

Dot:  “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I just need the lady to fix my hearing aid.”

Joe:  “You’ve got a hearing aid?  When did that happen?”

Dot:  “A few weeks ago.  You’ve been to the last two appointments with me.”

Joe:  “I have?  But there’s nothing wrong with my hearing, Dot.”

Dot:  “You came with ME to MY appointment.”

Joe mumbled:  “Well you don’t have to shout at me Dot.  I’m not deaf like you.”

Dot:  “Huh?”

Joe laughed and winked at me:  “Exactly.”

Once we got to the doctor’s office, the hearing aid doctor had Joe sit in the room near Dot, and I chose to stand near the doorway so that no one could escape.  The doctor got everything set up on the computer and hooked Dot’s hearing aid up to it so that she could see the volume levels on the screen.

Joe started to say something and Dot said, “You SHUSH now!  She’s working!”

Joe closed his mouth real quick and chuckled at me.

When the doctor asked Dot what the problems were with her hearing aid, Dot said that she has a really hard time hearing Joe because he talks so quietly.  The doctor said, “Well good, since we have your husband in the room with us, we have ourselves a live guinea pig…”

Joe:  “Guinea pig?  Well I don’t know about that…”

The doctor smiled:  “It’s just an expression.”

Joe grinned:  “Oh.  Well that’s alright then.”

The doctor fiddled with some stuff on the computer and then softly said, “Sally sells seashells by the seashore.”

Doctor:  “Did you hear that, Dot?”

Joe:  “Yeah, I heard it…”

Dot:  “Shush now, she’s not talking to you!  Yeah I kinda heard it, but it wasn’t very clear…”

The doctor fiddled with the computer a bit more and then asked me to say something to Dot.

Me:  “Nice weather we’re having today, huh Dot?”

Dot:  “Yep.  I heard that.”

Joe said loudly, while he relaxed in his chair and crossed his legs:  “Well the sun’s shinin’ so I can’t complain!”

Dot rolled her eyes and the doctor and I smiled at each other.

Doctor:  Okay, Joe.  Now I want you to say something to Dot.”

Joe:  “Ok (giggles) well…what should I say?”

Dot:  “I kinda heard that…”

Joe looked kind of nervous to be put on the spot so the doctor asked him a couple of questions:

Doctor:  “What did you have for breakfast today, Joe?”

Joe giggled:  “I can’t remember…”

Doctor:  “Okay, um…Do you have any pets?”

Joe:  “Well let’s see.  I’m not entirely sure, but I think I might have a dog…”

Doctor:  “Dot, could you hear any of that?”

Dot:  “Well, I could read his lips pretty well, but I didn’t hear much.”

Doctor:  “Can I get you to talk again, Joe?”

Joe giggled nervously.  I looked at the doctor and said, “Can I help a bit?”  She looked relieved and nodded her head.

Me:  “Hey Joe, what was that thing that you learned in school?  That phrase that you had to type over and over again in typewriting class…?

Joe beamed with pride when he recited:  “Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country!”

Dot:  “I heard that!”

Doctor:  “Good!  Great job, Joe!”

Joe chuckled:  “Well at least I was good for somethin’!  Aren’t you glad you brought me along now, Dot?”

Dot rolled her eyes and reminded him:  “Shush now!”

Joe was defiant:  “Well I was only doing what the doctor asked me to!”

Dot:  “Yeah, but now your part is done.”

Joe:  “Well she wasn’t clear about that part…”

The doctor quickly changed the subject.

Doctor:  “Okay, Dot, now I’m going to adjust the levels for what you hear, when you hear yourself speak.  So I need you to talk for me…”

Dot giggled nervously.

Doctor:  “Who is the President of the United States?”

Dot beamed:  “The President of the United States is Barack Obama.”  Dot looked at the doctor and told her, “That kind of sounds kind of like I’m in a wind tunnel…”

The doctor fiddled around again:  “Okay, now tell me what year we’re living in…?”

Dot:  “We are living in the year 2012.”  Dot smiled that time and added, “There, that’s better I think…”

Joe:  “Hey that’s just not fair!”

Doctor:  “What’s not fair, Joe?”

Joe:  “You asked Dot all of the easy questions, and you asked me the hard ones.  That’s just plain not fair at all…”

Doctor:  “Okay, Joe.  Who is the President of the United States?”

Joe almost jumped out of seat with excitement when he answered:  “CEREAL!!”

Miracle Bra.

Joe and Dot just watched an entire half hour infomercial about the “Miracle Bra”.

I kept trying to explain to Dot that it was a whole show, but she was like, “No, it’s just a commercial…”

The explanation of an infomercial would have been lost at that moment, so I didn’t even try.

One thing’s for sure:  Joe wasn’t complaining!

Of course the whole point of the infomercial was to make every other bra look like the worst bra ever, so when they would bring out a new girl acting all uncomfortable in her bra with lop-sided boobs, Joe’s eyes would get big and he’d say things like:

“Uh-oh, there must be something wrong with that bra too!”

“Oh and there’s another one…”

“Boy, there sure are a lot of awful bras out there!”

Dorothy:  “Gosh, this is the longest commercial I’ve ever seen!”


Joe is convinced that somebody stole his house last night so he can’t figure out how all of his stuff is here.

When I handed him his toothbrush this morning he was amazed and said:  “It’s like we still get all of the comforts of home even when the house is gone…can you imagine that?!”

Dot keeps reminding him that this IS his home and he just cracks up and points at her.

Joe:  “Well they’ve got her tricked don’t they…?”

Spikey Things.

Dot told me this morning that she likes my “hair-do”.

She said, “I like the spiky parts they look real good on you – don’t you think so Joe?”

Joe (not looking up from his bowl of Cheerios):  “Oh yeah it’s pretty good.”

Dot:  “Do you even know what we’re talking about?”

Joe: “Yeah.”

Dot:  “What are we talking about then…?

Joe:  “Spikey-things…”

Pork Chop.

Joe’s wife, Dot, has moved back home and she bosses him around like nobody’s business (bosses me around too).

I had to listen to them argue for 10 minutes over whether or not Joe was taking his evening pills at dinner.

She’d say, “Joe, take your pills!”

And he’d spear a bite of his pork chop with his fork and say, “I am taking them!”

Dot:  “Those aren’t your pills – that’s a pork chop!”

Joe:  “A what?!”

Dot:  “A PORK CHOP!”

Joe:  “Oh.”

Dot:  “So take your pills!”

Joe:  “I AM!!”

Dot:  “Those aren’t your PILLS! That’s a PORK CHOP!”

Joe:  “Oh.”

Dot:  “So take your pills!”

Joe:  “I AM!”

Finally she shoved his pills in front of him and said, “Take THESE!”

Joe looked at them and said, “Oh ok, why didn’t you just say so…?”

The Gypsy.

Dot asked me where I’m going on my days off this week and I told her I’d be staying with friends this week in Portland and next week I’d be driving to Seattle to stay with family

“I’m basically a gypsy right now” I told her.

Joe got a big kick out of that and giggled:  “So you just go wherever it’s most exciting! Man i sure wish I could do that…”

Dot said, “Oh Joe…just drink your coffee!”

Joe winked at me.